Daughter is pregnant

[BIRD86]

My daughter is pregnant.
She lives with roommates renting a room and has a full time job barely making it. I still pay for her car insurance car taxes cellphone bill. She’s 20 and has been on a roll coaster since the age of 16.
She met this guy a year ago and had been on a toxic relationship with him. She made a suicide attempt last year and barely Made it thru. She goes after over and over and fight to the point he beat her very badly and we called the police she decided to drop the charges and got back together.
The guy is Muslim and has no intention to give her a life or marriage he uses her for sex.
She has lied about being pregnant before to trap him and finally bathing happened no kid no abortion. I had a talk with the guy and he clearly told me he’s not becoming responsible for a pregnancy.
Well turns out that now is true she’s actually 6 weeks pregnant.
I think she did it on purpose to trap him but the guy blocked her. Now she is trying to have this baby.
I told her she doesn’t have my support.
I called the guy Mother and told her everything. She thinks she’s playing games to trap him because she has tell he’s mom she’s pregnant 5 times before. I don’t know what to do. I am very hurt due to my daughter’s behavior. I am sad my heart and whole body is in pain. I am okay with abortion but I feel there is no choice for her to have a baby on her mental conditions.
I need a kind word right now. This is a topic I haven’t touch with anyone and I needed therapy due to insurance problems.

My daughter is only diagnosed with Bypolar and won’t accept treatment of any kind.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Pook075]

That sounds incredibly tough and i wish that I had some advice.  Your daughter has to make the decisions how to move forward though and if she has the child, then you're going to have to make a decision as well. 

Personally, I believe that a baby is a blessing no matter what and it might actually help your daughter calm down some.  It could be a blessing in disguise.

As for the father, you have no control whether or not he's in the picture.  She can always seek child support and if you're in the US, Medicaid will cover all the baby expenses.  But she's going to have to navigate all of that herself since she made the decision to fool around unmarried.

I can only imagine how painful this must be for you, but please realize that this is not your problem.  Let your daughter grow up and figure out the world on her own terms.  That's what will drive her towards therapy and actually trying to get better.  Coddling her only makes matters worse.

[BIRD86]

Unfortunately I am not in a position to help her out with a child and she knows that.
I am on board with abortion. I know a child is blessing but my daughter mental state is not right she can barely take care of her self and is so reckless on top of that using substances and i dint think a child is the solution. she wont accept therapy and blames me for her problems using a child as a form of manipulation. I am out of this one and she is on her own. Is sad but that's the only way for her to learn.

[Sancho]

Hi Bird86
I can relate to how you are feeling right now. Everything you have been through - and now facing a new chapter where you can see all the pitfalls in the road ahead.

You mention your DD has a diagnosis of Bipolar - is that correct? That is a serious illness but can be treated - but DD won't accept any treatment I gather. From what you say, there are elements of BPD eg the blaming you etc, trying to get the attention of boyfriend etc.

I have a dear friend who is a counsellor. You would think that I could discuss my situation here with her - but I find that most people consider that it is just about making rational choices - and when someone with BPD can do that I think they are quite high functioning. Mostly they are dealing with intense emotions, intense abandonment etc.

It is good that you have some clear lines - for example you pay for certain things, DD has been able to work and to pay for other things - but barely. You are clear that you are not in a position to help with the child, which I think is good because it is better to start in a way that you have the capacity to continue.

I am assuming that DD has had contact with some medical people because she has a diagnosis? The other assumption I am making is that DD will attend prenatal clinics etc?

I am wondering if there is a possibility of you speaking with her GP about your concerns - or do they understand how fragile mentally DD is?

When there is a red flag around a pregnancy, I am hoping that services will step up and support/assess etc.

Your post has taken my mind back to the moment I found out DD was pregnant. I can't really explain the feeling - there are so many - and I feel for you at this moment.

Sending hugs and many thoughts . . .

[ForeverDad]

I am out of this one and she is on her own. Is sad but that's the only way for her to learn.

The reality is that she's an adult and there are consequences.  Time will tell how this turns out.

This reminds me of the old story "the grass is greener on the other side of the fence".  Then it turns out it was just greener brambles and thorns.  Even when returning to the grassy side, there can still be scratches and scars that remain as painful reminders of the learning experience.

People often say, "When they hit bottom then they'll listen and start to recover."  No one can predict where or when a person's "bottom out and rebound" might be, if it even happens.  While starting a different path toward recovery is not a sure thing since we can't know when or if, at least we can hope.