Update Step Son's Wife with BPD - Total Isolation

[Uddermudder123]

It has now been 7 months since my husband's son has cut off all contact with us.  Background:  my husband had bought our grandson a gift for his 1st birthday that he was excited to give and was told by his son that his wife (who has BPD) did not want us to bring the gift to our grandson's party and that we had to respect her wishes.  This is after knowing what the present was and my husband's excitement.  My poor husband was so disappointed and hurt.  We had to buy a new gift and still went to the party.  But it was awkward. 

At the party my husband was speaking to my step son's mother and her husband and expressed his disappointment.  This got back to my step son and his wife.  And from that point on the daily phone calls/facetimes that we got with my step son and grandson stopped. 

After a few weeks of this, my husband reached out to my step son and asked him if all was ok and if there was an issue to please let him know.  The response from my step son was quite shocking.  In my 10 years with my husband, I've never seen/heard my step son speak to his father the way he did.  He deflected his ghosting onto my husband and actually attempted to accuse him of doing that.  He accused him of things that were not true and were extremely hurtful to my husband (i.e. saying things that he knows would really hurt re: my husband's own father issues).  My husband actually got angry back with him (first time I've ever seen that as well).  And that was that. 

Since then my step son has cut us both off.  Blocked on on social media even.  And he has even gone so far as to block both of his half sisters as well - who had nothing to do with this. 

We did reach out to him near Christmas time to extend an olive branch so to speak - asked them to come for Christmas dinner, to start anew.  We sent this to his wife over messenger and she shut us down - claimed that she and my step son were not emotionally able to be around us and that it was ultimately up to my step son to make the decision on when/if he wants to reach out. Full stop. We left it at that - not going to push.

My husband reached out to him via text on Christmas Day, New Years, his birthday and twice recently just to say have a great day and that he loved him.  No response. 

Although the silence hurts my husband very much, he will continue to reach out here and there just so that his son knows he's there.

My poor husband is flabbergasted and so very hurt by this.  He and his son were about as close as a dad and son could be before all of this.  We were there to help them out when they needed, went out of our way to be there for them always.  It is beyond comprehensible how crazy this is.  That he would cut everyone off except his mother, her husband and their daughter and of course his wife's family.  So to be so fully cut off not just from him but from our grandson as well is so beyond sad. 

My concern is that the longer this goes on, the less chance there is to come back from this.  And if they do start to speak again, the animosity my husband has towards his son's wife now...oh boy...and me too.  I'm angry at how they have hurt my husband - my person - when all he has ever done is to be there for them.  If my husband is guilty of anything, it's that he's too damn nice to his kids.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Uddermudder123]

I should also add some more context : that my step son's daughter showed signs of BPD when he was dating her.  She would always call him at work saying that she needed him to come home and be with her. And he would.  She left her job at that time stating that a co-worker attempted to sexually assault her.  She went on leave.  That is when she really began to need him with her at all times.  To the point that he began missing work. 

They eventually got married 6 years ago and things seemed to be fine.  Until she decided they needed a dog, and then a cat and then they needed to buy a home (with her mother co-signing since my step son didn't make enough to carry a mortgage on his own).  Within a year of buying the home, she began exhibiting suicidal ideations and my step son began exhibiting signs of anxiety.  She was eventually diagnosed with BPD and began medication and therapy.  She convinced my step son that he needed medication so brought him to a doctor that prescribed him - without proper assessment - xanax and anti-psychotic medications.  My husband and I were shocked at this especially since my husband's younger son had recently passed away from an overdose.  Xanax had been one of his drug of choice.  And anti-psychotics?  Huh?  My step son lived with my husband and I were for two years before he met her, I never once saw any kind of psychotic behaviour.   

My step son eventually quit his job.  He found a job in a factory for short time but again, she would constantly call needed him to be home with her.  So he went on leave.  Eventually leave ran out of course.  He still is not working. And neither is she. We don't know if they are on social assistance or disability. 

She got pregnant and had our grandson.  I thought she was actually doing better.  That motherhood seemed to really agree with her.

Then they needed to sell the house - it was too expensive with both of them not working and with a baby.  Her mother gave them her semi-detached home and moved into an apartment.  They only pay her a low rent each month.  They had ALOT of work to do in the house before they put it up for sale.  She couldn't do any work because of the baby so my husband, myself and my step son's mother and step dad all pitched in and painted, put in new floors, fixed plumbing, etc...over the course of a weekend.  And not even a thank you from them.   That was the summer before everything went to phttt.

[Uddermudder123]

I should also add some more context : that my step son's wife showed signs of BPD when he was dating her.  She would always call him at work saying that she needed him to come home and be with her. And he would.  She left her job at that time stating that a co-worker attempted to sexually assault her.  She went on leave.  That is when she really began to need him with her at all times.  To the point that he began missing work. 

They eventually got married 6 years ago and things seemed to be fine.  Until she decided they needed a dog, and then a cat and then they needed to buy a home (with her mother co-signing since my step son didn't make enough to carry a mortgage on his own).  Within a year of buying the home, she began exhibiting suicidal ideations and my step son began exhibiting signs of anxiety.  She was eventually diagnosed with BPD and began medication and therapy.  She convinced my step son that he needed medication so brought him to a doctor that prescribed him - without proper assessment - xanax and anti-psychotic medications.  My husband and I were shocked at this especially since my husband's younger son had recently passed away from an overdose.  Xanax had been one of his drug of choice.  And anti-psychotics?  Huh?  My step son lived with my husband and I were for two years before he met her, I never once saw any kind of psychotic behaviour.   

My step son eventually quit his job.  He found a job in a factory for short time but again, she would constantly call needed him to be home with her.  So he went on leave.  Eventually leave ran out of course.  He still is not working. And neither is she. We don't know if they are on social assistance or disability. 

She got pregnant and had our grandson.  I thought she was actually doing better.  That motherhood seemed to really agree with her.

Then they needed to sell the house - it was too expensive with both of them not working and with a baby.  Her mother gave them her semi-detached home and moved into an apartment.  They only pay her a low rent each month.  They had ALOT of work to do in the house before they put it up for sale.  She couldn't do any work because of the baby so my husband, myself and my step son's mother and step dad all pitched in and painted, put in new floors, fixed plumbing, etc...over the course of a weekend.  And not even a thank you from them.   That was the summer before everything went to phttt.

[CC43]

I am do sorry how BPD has fractured multiple relationships, starting with your stepson and reverberating throughout your family. I imagine that your daughter-in-law is isolating your stepson, as all the signs are there:  he lost his job and now he’s not talking to immediate and extended family. I have no doubt that he’s anxious and depressed, because isolating from friends and loving family isn’t healthy, especially when he needs you most, after the birth of a baby.

I’m not sure you can do much, because your stepson is choosing his wife over you—and she’s the one forcing that choice. I’d say you can continue to be there for him, eg wishing him well on holidays and inviting him to family gatherings, but knowing he can’t accept your love and help until he’s ready. I bet it’s tearing him apart. Untreated BPD can be extremely challenging to live with. All you have to do is read these boards to feel the intensity of it.

[Uddermudder123]

I should also add some more context : that my step son's wife showed signs of BPD when he was dating her.  She would always call him at work saying that she needed him to come home and be with her. And he would.  She left her job at that time stating that a co-worker attempted to sexually assault her.  She went on leave.  That is when she really began to need him with her at all times.  To the point that he began missing work. 

They eventually got married 6 years ago and things seemed to be fine.  Until she decided they needed a dog, and then a cat and then they needed to buy a home (with her mother co-signing since my step son didn't make enough to carry a mortgage on his own).  Within a year of buying the home, she began exhibiting suicidal ideations and my step son began exhibiting signs of anxiety.  She was eventually diagnosed with BPD and began medication and therapy.  She convinced my step son that he needed medication so brought him to a doctor that prescribed him - without proper assessment - xanax and anti-psychotic medications.  My husband and I were shocked at this especially since my husband's younger son had recently passed away from an overdose.  Xanax had been one of his drug of choice.  And anti-psychotics?  Huh?  My step son lived with my husband and I were for two years before he met her, I never once saw any kind of psychotic behaviour.   

My step son eventually quit his job.  He found a job in a factory for short time but again, she would constantly call needed him to be home with her.  So he went on leave.  Eventually leave ran out of course.  He still is not working. And neither is she. We don't know if they are on social assistance or disability. 

She got pregnant and had our grandson.  I thought she was actually doing better.  That motherhood seemed to really agree with her.

Then they needed to sell the house - it was too expensive with both of them not working and with a baby.  Her mother gave them her semi-detached home and moved into an apartment.  They only pay her a low rent each month.  They had ALOT of work to do in the house before they put it up for sale.  She couldn't do any work because of the baby so my husband, myself and my step son's mother and step dad all pitched in and painted, put in new floors, fixed plumbing, etc...over the course of a weekend.  And not even a thank you from them.   That was the summer before everything went to phttt.