Helpful resource - ChatGPT - who knew?

[SoVeryConfused]

Hi all,
The last few weeks have been pretty brutal with 50+ calls and texts a day, all raging. But then furious that I stop picking up. I struggle with the FOG, especially around suicidal threats, ending calls when child is despondent, feeling bad that I'm not going to child when they beg. (They are 24.)

Last night, for the heck of it, I put a prompt into ChatGPT, explaining that it should play the role of a therapist who treats this and supports parents of adult kids. That it should use best practices and evidence-based tactics to recommend scripts to parents.

Then, I posed scenarios. It was pretty remarkable. It not only offered phrasing that was really helpful, but it also supplemented it with parent tips to remember how holding limits is not abandonment or ignoring but staying in the relationship in a healthy way.

I ended up using a few of the statements yesterday, which meant they came just in time. I had it downloaded to a PDF.

Here are a few: 
When they are sad, hopeless, etc. and want us to take action:

I know you are disappointed that I can't be there physically, but I am here. And the fastest, most helpful support is from professionals who are near by. Will you reach out to them?

I can hear you are hurting right now because of A, B, C. I can understand why what I'm saying sounds like rejection/abandonment/ignoring. But me stepping back and suggesting other supports is me trying to give you the best possible, better support.

I know you are unhappy right now because of A, B, C, and I'm sorry it feels like this. STOP.

I understand you are disappointed when I don't answer the phone or text every time. I know it feels like I'm ignoring/rejecting/?. It's not because I don't care. I care and am trying to give us space.

I understand it feels like I'm not doing anything because: (I'm not coming there, I'm not sending you money, I'm not answering all of your texts). I can see why it feels like I'm failing you.

I can hear how hard this is. I'm not skilled enough to solve this, but I can help talk through your next steps. Would you like that?

I can't come home now, but I can stay in touch and help you talk through the next steps.

I hear that it feels like I'm choosing not to help because A, B, C. I understand why this feels bad.

Spiraling or circular conversations:
"I understand you are angry at me because A, B, and C but I won't continue in a loop like this because it hurts you and me. I'm going to go, but I will call you to check in at SET TIME." (Then it said, hang up and don't answer or text or call back until set time.)

I'm not following all of the details in this conversation anymore. I think I need to take a break, so I'm going to go, but we can try again tomorrow/x hours etc.

I love you, and nothing changes that. Continuing this call right now isn't healthy for either of us, so I'm going to take a break from communication for the night/until lunch etc. but will be available after.

I can see you are upset about this. I have to go in 5 minutes, but I will be available/call you tomorrow.


Past grievances--
I understand why those moments feel so disappointing because A, B, C. When you say this, I can hear that you feel alone and abandoned. STOP.

I hear you may never forgive me because A, B, C. I respect your feelings and hope over time that changes.

I can tell you feel hurt and let down because A,B,C. If that makes it seem like I'm a bad mom, I'm sorry. I'm trying to help in a way that's healthy for both of us.

You are disappointed. I get that.

If raging happens in re-entry call... 

"I can recognize that you are still angry at me for A,B,C and I understand and care. Let's take a pause and step back. We can talk when it's calmer. I will try you/ I will answer again after SET TIME."

Pretty good ideas.
I'm not sure if this is helpful for others, but I need notes in front of me to deal with the onslaught of demands and questions in real time. I'm never sure how to answer without getting pulled in deeper or how to end a conversation with kindness but firm limits. I found these statements valuable for that.

 

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[CC43]

Hi there,

Many of these responses look good to me. But my initial reaction is that most of them are far too long. In my experience, the pwBPD in my life would never allow me to say so much without interrupting, at least not when they are dysregulated. I get maybe five words, ten tops. It’s rare I can complete a sentence, let alone a thought. In fact, many times I get:  stop talking, you listen to ME, you never listen, I don’t care what you think (note the irony), stop interrupting (irony again), I’m not done with you yet, etc. They want to vent uninhibited, and they want me to absorb it. In fact, they don’t want suggestions or advice, and they don’t want to feel better in that moment. I think they need to unleash the negative emotional energy. Gray rocking works better for me, and very short phrases.

“I need a break, I’ll be back later.”

“Do you want me to call 911 for you?”

“I can’t think with all this yelling.”

“Seeing you upset makes me upset.”

“I’m sorry you feel so down right now.”

“You’re upset because you feel disrespected, but I love you.”

“If you continue shouting, I’ll have to hang up.”

“I can’t handle this while driving. I’ll see you when I get home.”

“I’m at work, let’s talk more tonight.”

“Are you thinking about killing yourself?”

“We’re not getting anywhere, let’s talk about something else.”

“We’re tired out, let’s talk in the morning.”

“I need some fresh air. Want to come with me?”

“I’m sorry you feel that way. Want a hug?”

Many times, I’ll just listen and keep mostly quiet. I might drift out of the room, or start a little task like wiping the counter, to diffuse the intensity or try to end a rant without using words at all. If they ask, Don’t you have anything to say, I’ll reply, There’s nothing I can say to make it better. And that’s probably true.

[CC43]

PS,

One thing you might try is this:

"Excuse me, I have to use the bathroom."

Sometimes the little break can act as a reset button.  If you don't actually have to use the bathroom, that's fine--just take some deep breaths, splash water on your face or wash your hands.  The time out for her is disguised as a time out for you.  That might help reduce the temperature a bit.

Other times I use other excuses, but they need to be credible:  Excuse me, I have to move the laundry to the dryer/take out the trash/take some meat out of the freezer/check the mail/take the food out of the oven.

[SoVeryConfused]

Cc- that is a really
Good observation. Shorter- to the point. Thank you. I like all of your suggestions and the bathroom escape!
My therapist actually suggested- fire alarm, microwave timer  going off. Anything to end the conversation.

Thank you!