Demonised and detabilised by adult child wBPD

[confusedparent]

I've never joined any kind of forum before. However reading posts on here is the first time I've felt relief in just over 4 years. My son is 26 and started to show symptoms when he was 22, around a year after my partner died.
Prior to this we had an enviable relationship with friends telling me how lucky he was.
He was initially misdiagnosed so none of us had a framework to understand what was happened or to give him the right support.
He is finally being re-assessed but the process is slow. (His biological father also has a personality disorder.) Unfortunately my son has recently cut me off. I see similar patterns and examples in other posts: blocked me on WhatsApp, citing my abusive behaviour but no explanation of what I've actually done, long silences, then suddenly messages telling me how much pain he's in, then out of nowhere "Mummy you suck", then the most bizarre requests for money, often to buy a porsche, then when I refuse again "I thought mother's are supposed to make things better.", then blocked again.
And whilst he argues that I am a negative energy in his life he engages in impulsive and dangerous criminal activity. He recently put both myself and his grandmother at risk of arrest. For very serious offences.
I have lost friends because of his criminal and anti-social behaviour.
He's been physically violent towards me and often frightens me.
But the worst thing is this feeling that I have not only caused this but that I am unstable and cannot be trusted.
And worse still, when I was taking him to Crisis Centres or his GP I was made to feel as I was making it up or exaggerating. After hours, days of him abusing me or being aggressive he would suddenly appear calm with the professionals or walk out. It looked like I was attention seeking or blaming my own madness on him. I began to feel like I was evil.
Thankfully, it appears that someone along the line has identified his symptoms. However, that lingering sense of self doubt remains and every time he does contact me I find myself thinking that I am to blame for everything and that there is something seriously wrong with me.
To be fair to my son, he and his younger brother suffered significant traumas: I had post natal depression, more than one early bereavement, moved several times because of life changing events in their parents' lives including terminal, the sudden disappearance of their biological father. The list actually goes on. And on. And yes, whilst I was a loving and attentive mother I could also be hot tempered when they were little. I think I must have been scarey. And then I would just switch back to being "nice " mummy. My babies went through a lot.

And now we are all paying the price.
To be honest, a part of me is relieved that he's cut me off.

Apologies, this has been a massive outpouring. I don't think I've said it "out loud" like this, all at once. I think because I didn't understand what has happened. Until I read all the contributions I've read here. So thank you to everyone on all the threads.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[CC43]

Welcome to the group. If you spend some time reading here, I think you’ll see some common themes. For your son, that might be severe mood swings, misplaced anger, blaming you for his own choices, demandingness, cutting you off, etc. I’d say, if he was able to graduate and hold a job, even if for just a few days, that’s a good sign that he’s functional at some level.

For you, some of the themes are a sense of guilt, mourning, distress, hopelessness, frustration, fear and grief. I read about parents who are taking the blame for BPD when they didn’t cause it. Many mourn the loss of any relationship with their kid. Some are basically full-time parents of their grandchildren while dealing with the threat of having them taken away. .

And then you’ll read about coping. You’ll see tips on boundary setting, helping vs enabling, and communicating better with someone with BPD. And you’ll learn about abusive relationships and protecting yourself. You’re no good to your son if he is terrorizing you. You have to take care of yourself first.

Finally, you’ll see that BPD is treatable with therapy. The rub is that for therapy to work, your son needs to want to change. If he’s blaming you for everything that’s wrong, he’s saying YOU have to change, not him.

All the best to you.

[PearlsBefore]

Ask yourself, would you take financial advice from them? Relationship advice? Chances are, you wouldn't - because you recognise their judgment is flawed to say the least...so their demonising of you is likewise not something to take to heart.

[Pook075]

But the worst thing is this feeling that I have not only caused this but that I am unstable and cannot be trusted.

Please understand that you did not cause this, and you feel that way because your son tries so hard to manipulate you into feeding his addictions.  In his mind, if something is "your fault" then he doesn't have to take any responsibility for his own mistakes or actions.  That's the crux of the mental illness- it's easier to blame than to hold yourself accountable.

He's sick- that's the problem here.  It's not you and in a way, it's not him either.  The mental illness is the problem and it leads him towards doing all sorts of disordered things.  That's not on you and it never has been.

You're responsible for you- he's responsible for him.  If he's blocking you, then use this time to recover from his abuse and prepare yourself for how to handle this in the future.  You must learn to create healthy boundaries that protect you from his bad behavior, including calling the police when he tries to drag you into his crimes.

It's terrible but you must come first...none of this is your fault.