I'm glad I found this group

[Lonelymom]

So glad I found this group. My 18 year old son has been diagnosed BPD. Of course he denies it, accuses me of making it up for attention, blames me for everything, has false memories of abuse from me, creates arguments for no discernable reason. To make it worse, his father is extremely psychologically abusive and reinforces all of my sons resentment toward me. I believe the BPD came from his father's abuse, but no one I know understands this. My son regularly damages my house, insults me and his brother, picks fights, then comes up with completely false accusations of things that never happened. He refuses to take meds or seek counselling, because his father keeps telling him I'm mentally unwell and have munchausen by proxy. His father tells him not to seel treatment and undermines me at every turn. I dont see this ever improving. All I want is a stable relationship with my son. I am the only person in his life who would do anything for him, and he's ready to walk away. He would go straight to his father's house,  and I am terrified that he won't ever speak to me again after he is exposed to that. I believe separate from me he may improve his mental health in some ways,  but his father alienated me and always has. I am the parent who has raised my son, 100% of the time,  yet he is ready to believe his dad who physically and mentally, maybe sexually, abused him,  over me. How do I say goodbye to my child, when all I have ever done is support him? As soon as he graduates he has to move out, because I won't tolerate the abuse anymore. But I am so scared it will be a permanent separation from him.

Sorry about the rambling. It's late and there is a lot to get out

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Sancho]

Hi Lonelymum
You are in such a painful situation. Everything you describe – the blaming, anger, and all in a context of triangulation – you are bad, dad is good. DS won’t accept help, and can’t seem to even acknowledge he has problems – everything is your fault in his eyes.

This is BPD – in my opinion the most difficult of serious mental health conditions.

I can understand also your anxiety about the future. In so many ways BPD puts us in a corner – you can’t go on like this, you can see the possible consequences of DS moving in with his dad.

We can’t know how things WILL pan out when change happens. It is possible that the seemingly close relationship between father and son doesn’t last very long once they are spending consistent time together. If it doesn’t work, it might be the opportunity to put in a boundary or two should DS ask to return – for example happy to have you back if you agree to try some medication etc.

When I am in a corner like this, my mind goes round and round on all the possibilities. I can get to the point where I feel sick in the stomach just because of all the thoughts going round and round.

When I get like this I ask myself a question ‘Is it an option for me to go on like this?’ If the answer is ‘No’ then I tell myself that I need to go ahead with the change even though I am so anxious about the possibilities that change will bring.

I feel you are at the point where you know you are at the end of your tether. Moving in with his dad is an option available (that’s where all the consequences come to mind). Change is scary but it can also provide opportunities.

When I look back I know that whenever I was in doubt, the decisions I made were because I had no other real choice. When you are at the end of one road, the only choice is to try another.

Sending thoughts . . .