I’m struggling

[FindPeaceNow]

Hello,
This is my first post. It may be more of a vent, but I am at the end of what I can handle. I often come to this site to read stories so that I can validate that I am not crazy and that others, unfortunately, have experienced similar things. I have no one to talk to about the absolute craziness that happens at time. I’m so sick of being blamed for everything wrong in my son’s life. I’m sick of being accused of supposed mental abuse, being a narcissist, selfish and many other flat out lies. I’m not perfect, but I have tried to support him unconditionally and try to validate what I can and try to not respond when it’s a flat out figment of his imagination. I am not always successful and get reactive after a few hours of it. I am shocked with the things he comes up with to blame me for. My self worth has been eroded to nothing. I feel like a complete failure as a parent, as I don’t have a clue how this happened. At other times, he wants to talk like nothing ever happened, and im the go to person to celebrate the successful things that go on. It’s a constant roller coaster of emotions and I never know when the switch will flip. I have been traumatized by his multiple suicide attempts and constant talk about it, which lead me to stay in “conversations”where I have become reactive, that I should walk away from, but am terrified that that will be the last conversation I will have with him, therefore I try desperately to somehow turn the conversation for the better, which is crazy on my part because I’m not dealing with a logical person at that time. I’m probably not very logical at that point either. He has blocked me from being able to call him, but he of course can call me whenever, because I’m afraid to block him. I logically know this is an illness, I logically know it is not my fault, and I can’t control outcomes, but my heart is broken and I feel like my life is going to be like this for the rest of my life. It’s effecting my health living in constant fear and dread. Thanks for listening.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[BPDstinks]

hi!  sadly, I do not have much advise, other than....I always feel that way!  it is odd to be a parent of a child who does not want to be parented!

[Pook075]

It may be more of a vent, but I am at the end of what I can handle.

Hello and welcome to the family!  I'm sorry we're meeting under these circumstances but I am glad that you finally got your first post out of the way.  I was in a similar situation with my BPD daughter and I can understand how you're feeling- it's no fin.

A few questions so everyone here will have a more complete picture- your son doesn't live with you and he has his own phone.  Does that mean he's over 18?  Who does he live with?  And does he work or go to school?  Who's paying his bills?

I realize that the threat of suicide is real for BPDs.  But you also have to understand that they get what they want through manipulation.  Every time your son treats you poorly and you allow it, then it encourages him to treat you as bad or even worse the next time.

When my daughter threatened suicide, I would dial 9-1-1 and send an ambulance.  After the 2nd time, she never tried to manipulate me with that again.  Why?  Because for that one specific thing, she learned that her words had consequences.

Likewise, if my kid needed financial help and she called ranting away, I would say no 100% of the time.  Deep down I knew that I'd eventually help her out if I could, but before money would transfer she was going to treat her dad with love and respect.  Was she still manipulating me?  Of course, but at least she was playing by my rules and treating me fairly.

You absolutely must set these boundaries and if that means blocking his phone, that's a great place to start. If he's ugly, block the # for 24 hours.  Make that a predictable pattern so he understands that his outbursts are not acceptable.

You simply can't continue taking abuse and hoping that he gets better...you taking his abuse is preventing him from even considering that he's the problem.  You must put up firm boundaries for yourself that clearly shows him, when you do <x>, then I'm going to do <y> because of your choice.

A golden thing a therapist told me years ago that always stuck with me is that mental illness has absolutely nothing to do with being nice.  Being nice or mean is a choice that everyone can make, even narcissists and sociopaths have been known to be very kind, pleasant neighbors.  Your son is choosing to be mean...the mental illness has nothing to do with that.

I hope that helps and again, welcome to the family!

[BPDstinks]

Pook!  I appreciate your comment!  EVERY holiday, I get SO sad....I keep thinking "this" is going to be "the" time my daughter (pwBPD) FINALLY reaches out (I text ONE time a month ONLY, because I am seeing a therapist who specializes in parents of pwBPD!  (very helpful!) in any case, I always feel like I am in limbo; I think one of the hardest things is when people ask how she is; I want to say
"heck if I know" I just say fine and where she is working, as that is public knowledge; anyway, I appreciate your mental health definition comment!

[Pook075]

Pook!  I appreciate your comment!  EVERY holiday, I get SO sad....I keep thinking "this" is going to be "the" time my daughter (pwBPD) FINALLY reaches out (I text ONE time a month ONLY, because I am seeing a therapist who specializes in parents of pwBPD!  (very helpful!) in any case, I always feel like I am in limbo; I think one of the hardest things is when people ask how she is; I want to say
"heck if I know" I just say fine and where she is working, as that is public knowledge; anyway, I appreciate your mental health definition comment!

For my daughter, I had to learn to validate what she was FEELING without having an emotional reaction to her WORDS.  When our feelings run wild, the words don't always align.  For example, have you ever whacked your finger with a hammer, or slammed your hand in a door?

In that moment, I'll cuss like a sailor...and I'm a Christian that simply doesn't cuss anymore.  The high emotional pain leads to words I'd rather not use though.  And maybe you can understand that, whacking a finger really really hurts.  Yet it's so hard to see it through the same lens with mental health and sudden outbursts.

The more I met my kid's needs emotionally, the less I saw those explosive outbursts.  Because by being the rock that she needed in her life, a constant that always loved her and gave emotional support, I was "painted white" and recognized as an ally in her struggles.  I eventually did the same thing with my BPD ex-wife and we're in a very good place (we hardly ever talk anymore, but when we do it goes well).

It's okay to be in limbo if that's what it takes to protect yourself.  There is hope to restore that relationship though, and it's through leading with love/compassion and letting go of the past.  The boundaries are there for when things go off the rails, but even then you can do that with empathy and care.

It's certainly not easy, and it's unfair that most of the growth has to happen by us.  But that's the cards we've been dealt in life.  We can play the hand or fold.

[FindPeaceNow]

Thank you for all the support and wise advice. A little more background, my son moved out of state (he was previously living with us and it was NOT a good situation) and started college but not working. We are fully supporting him right now. It seems that every time a stress hits, he gets disregulated and then somehow I get sucked into a horrible interaction while trying to be supportive and I have no idea how it turns into what it turns into. It’s so baffling. I am trying my best to not justify and react, but it is so hard at times.

[CC43]

A little more background, my son moved out of state (he was previously living with us and it was NOT a good situation) and started college but not working. We are fully supporting him right now. It seems that every time a stress hits, he gets disregulated and then somehow I get sucked into a horrible interaction while trying to be supportive and I have no idea how it turns into what it turns into. It’s so baffling. I am trying my best to not justify and react, but it is so hard at times.

I could have written the exact same thing, but in my case it’s my stepdaughter, and the person who is sucked in and blamed is my husband. At first, I gave my stepdaughter the benefit of the doubt—she was claiming trauma at every turn, and she blamed her dad for her problems. But over time, I discovered that her meltdowns always coincided with a disappointment or stress in her life. Her accusations were her maladaptive way of coping, blaming someone else for her problems or disappointments.

Look, if your son is calling you a narcissist, lazy or a liar, I’m pretty sure that’s what he thinks about himself. He’s so upset about it, he ruminates about it and actively looks for any signs of narcissism, laziness or lying, and it comes out as projection onto you. My stepdaughter would do this all the time. It’s her perverse way of coping. But beneath it all, I think she felt like a failure at college, a recluse, alienated from others. She felt incompetent, childish, clueless. Adulting was too scary and HARD, she wasn’t ready to do it by herself, and when she’d overreact to every little setback, she’d lash out and lose her friends. Worst of all, she felt she was letting down her dad, and herself. Rather than dealing with her situations and problem-solving, she’d attempt suicide, because she felt she was hopeless, her life was over.

Over time I came to think of BPD as having a significant emotional disability. I estimated that my stepdaughter had the emotional age of about 70% of her chronological age. So when she started college, she was functioning with the emotional maturity of a young teen—think impatience, self-centeredness, lacking perspective, catastrophic thinking, lack of empathy, lack of problem-solving skills, inability to self-soothe, thin skin, public crying/acting out, petulance, difficulty planning and prioritizing, trouble executing daily routines, etc. It’s like she was set up to fail at college, far away from her support system at home. She just wasn’t ready for the rigors of college on her own, let alone the complexity of adult social relationships. She was so frustrated she took it out on her dad. But she couldn’t possibly communicate what was really going on, because it’s too painful to admit total failure. So it comes out as blaming and telling nonsensical stories. Sound familiar?

When she’s having a meltdown, she can’t think logically, so if you try to troubleshoot or problem-solve, she’ll escalate and spin out of control. Typically she’ll cast blame, say horrible things and then storm off, thinking she’s inflicting punishment with her absence. I think, she’s giving herself a time out, and it’s best not to interrupt it. She always comes back eventually. If you « beg » her to reengage when she not ready, you’re just adding fuel to the fire in my opinion. I think it’s best to give her time and space to calm down. In the meantime, don’t take anything personally—she doesn’t really mean the horrible things she says, that’s just BPD talking.

[FindPeaceNow]

Thanks all for listening. It’s comforting to know that someone else understands what you are going through and there are things I can learn and practice to help ease the situation on both sides.