Daughter abusive

[Angel Fairy]

My daughter of 19 is both physically and verbally abusive to me. She has caused me bleeding, stitches and injuries many times, verbally it is a roller coaster. Starting from waking up her till sleeping is a continuous struggle. She does not study, haven't gone to college, all day busy thinking about boys and stalking them. My day starts with her slangs when I try to wake her up till 11am, and end with her screaming. She doesn't help me on anything but expects queen treatment, best food. My husband left and she hammers on every such weakness and doesn't hesitate to call me names.
My physical health is going down day by day because of this excessive stress. I try to help her to my level best but she is just dysfunctional, does not take any advise.
I feel terrible and want to just runaway from the situation. But then all my motherly affection holds me back. I feel like caught in a whirlpool knowing it will end me but finding no way to come out. She is not open to continue psychiatry, even though a regular therapy session happens for her, but rather than improving it is making her more dysfunctional I believe as they just keep validating her behavior. No one understands my pain, I am like a monster for her, blames me for everything and sucks out whatever benefit she wants anyways.
At least I have found a forum to pour out my bleeding heart.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Sunshine Island]

Hi Angel Fairy,

....If this was a romantic relationship you wouldn't put up with it surely? You don't have to put up with it just because she's your daughter either. It's abuse, it's coercive control, it's bullying. You have every right as a human being to REFUSE to be treated like that. State your case firmly...'If you continue to behave in a violent way you will be told to leave with a week's notice'. If she refuses to leave, call the police. Dysregulated or not, she has to know that actions have consequences, and she must be prepared to accept them. She is no longer a child, adult behaviours, adult consequences. Her head will go 'if Mum tolerated this before, she will tolerate it again'. You have to be the one who draws a line in the sand because she just won't. Do not wake her up, or give advice, do not pander to demands and remain calm. Walk away from any shouting or arguing having stated your case. It's completely possible to have motherly affection and still be firm, but she will guilt-trip you into dropping 'firm' while she uses your motherly affection against you. It's a form of gaslighting...making you doubt yourself, and that adds to the stress and impotence you currently feel. There's only one person who can change that at the moment, and that's you. Two quick acronyms you need in your armoury against her rage are the 3 Cs....you didn't cause it, you can't control it, or cure it. The other is JADE...don't justify, argue, defend or explain. Your primary concern at the moment must be your own safety.

[CC43]

Hi there,

I'm sorry you're dealing with this, and I understand how bad it can be because I had almost the same exact issue.  I write "almost" the same, because in my case it was my stepdaughter who was rotting in bed, and because I'm not her mother, I don't feel the same level of guilt.  But I did have to put up with abusive behavior, entitlement and total dysfunction for far too long in my opinion.

Look, your daughter is actually very comfortable how she is right now, even if she's miserable and making you miserable right alongside her.  If you enable this dysfunctional and abusive behavior, it will continue, until you decide to put a stop to it.  Looking backward, I really wish I had more of a say in how to deal with the dysfunction, but I didn't because my husband wouldn't let me, and we just didn't see eye-to-eye on how to respond.  I guess it's no surprise, because "normal" parenting doesn't seem to work with BPD.  Unfortunately, my stepdaughter had to suffer years of misery, as well as hit bottom a couple of times, before she decided to get professional help and take it seriously.  But I'm happy to say she completely turned her life around, after she put in the work, and her dad and I supported her throughout the process.  Today, I doubt she'd qualify for a BPD diagnosis, because most of the diagnostic criteria aren't present anymore, except perhaps for the volatile emotions and relationships.  But the self-harm, feelings of hopelessness, and delusions and paranoia are absent or at least much, much reduced.  She's looking forwards now, instead of being stuck re-hashing perceived traumas from childhood all the time.  Best of all, she emerged from her raging pit of despair and is functioning more like an adult, including keeping a routine, showering daily, completing some college classes, working part-time and attending her therapy sessions. 

Having said all that, I'd advise that, for as long as your daughter is treating you like dirt, you shouldn't reward that behavior, with attention or privileges.  I'd say, she's an adult, she can buy her own phone and phone plan.  If she chooses not to have a phone, fine, but then maybe she won't be up all night scrolling.  At the very least she'd have to work a job, any job, to earn the money for her privileges, just like an adult should.  An easy job like dog walking should be within her capabilities, unless she's severely disabled.  If it were up to me, I'd shut off all wifi and TV at nighttime for everyone in the household.  If I had to, I'd disconnect all entertainment completely for the time being.  In addition, you could create (and enforce!) some basic house rules, such as:

*Everyone must take care of the home environment (clean your room, pick up after yourself and keep common areas tidy).
*Everyone must treat family members with kindness.
*No illicit drug use on the premises.
*No overnight guests without your permission.
*No violence or destruction of property allowed; any violence and police will be called.
*All adults are responsible for paying for their own privileges, such as phones, cars and entertainment.

If your daughter doesn't like the rules, she can choose to leave.  If she breaks them, you probably have to kick her out.  So I'd advise, be selective about the rules, and be prepared to act if she breaks them, because if you don't enforce consequences, she'll continue to walk all over you.  Be prepared for an "extinction burst," which is acting out with increased intensity when the reward for a certain behavior is taken away.  You might think, but I don't reward her for bad behavior!  But I'd ask, if she has a meltdown when you ask her to get up or do a chore, what happens?  You probably reward her by letting her stay alone in her room to scroll on her phone all day.  She's rewarded because you let her treat you poorly and you let her do whatever she wants, even if whatever she wants makes her miserable.  When you stop letting her do what she wants, she might go completely ballistic (the extinction burst).  If she gets violent, you call the police.  I know, you don't want to see your daughter be hurt, but if you call the police, she facing the consequences of her behavior.  In addition, she might end up in the hospital and get the professional help that she desperately needs.  It might take many visits to the hospital for her to learn.  (I'll say that it took my stepdaughter around five or six visits to the hospital before she realized that she needed some help, and yeah, her mom called the cops on her when she was a threat to herself and others.)

Keep in mind that you might have to kick your daughter out in order for her to realize she needs help.  Because for as long as she's living with you and/or you pay all her bills, she'll continue to blame YOU for all her problems.  In fact, I bet that she RESENTS feeling so dependent on you.  Ironic, isn't it?  That's BPD.

I know that you love your daughter, so much that she's making you a basket case.  But by enabling dysfunction, your daughter will never be happy, and you certainly can't continue on like this either.  If you do, nothing will get better.  How long do you want to go on like this?  If she's abusing you, you need to put a stop to it.  The earlier, the better.  She's still young, BPD doesn't have to derail her whole life and yours.  BPD IS TREATABLE.  The problem is, she has to want to make some changes for therapy to work.  But right now, she expects YOU to make all the changes, and she's content rotting away in her bedroom, blaming you for everything.