Daughter has cut me off

[Flissrose]

Hi everyone, my first ever time asking for support. My 32 year old daughter who is diagnosed BPD has now cut me off and wants nothing to do with me or her immediate family. She has a 4 year old daughter who we have a very strong relationship with. She is allowing us to continue seeing her for now.I have worked so hard with my daughter to improve our relationship including therapy with her. I'm in shock and feel devastated. This came about because I tried to set a boundary. I work in a demanding job and my husband does and I need my day off for my emotional health. I explained in detail why I did not want to commit to the school run etc. Basically she just wrote me off and of course said lots of very hurtful things. I felt scrutinised and on trial for my behaviour and she agreed that I was being scrutinised and that this had been my last chance with her. I feel hurt and betrayed. I don't really know what to do, she has told me not to contact her and the underlying threat being if I do she will also stop me seeing my grandaughter. Any advice please?

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Sunshine Island]

Hi Flissrose,

So sorry you're going through this. I imagine it's a feeling you've got used to over the years and you always react in a certain way, which her heightened sensitivities will also know and use to feed her own needs.

My advice is JADE....do not Justify, Argue, Defend, Explain. Statements only, and with a genuine smile. Every move you make towards justification will make her double down if the mood takes her. Stay in neutral and accept, even if it means no contact from the grandchild. Maintain your boundaries, you know that is the right thing to do. BPDs don't actually mean the nasty things they say...it's most often a projection of themselves designed to cause you as much pain as they themselves feel. She feels your boundary as a form of rejection, therefore she will reject you and will be more than willing to use the child as a weapon to get you to capitulate. So, don't contact her aside from birthdays, Christmas etc but let her know your door is always open, as it always has been. You are the constant in her world of chaos, and she WILL come back. xx

[BPDstinks]

HI!  my heart hurts for you, as my daughter, pwBPD cut our entire family off, including her beautiful nieces; not ONE day goes by that I do not think of her and wonder HOW this happened?  add to that, my granddaughters' mother has BPD & am all too familiar with the "you can see them, no you can't game" it is hurtful, cruel and I am in a constant state of anxiety!  That being said, I am desperately trying to find my own way, again, in life....I pray you find SOME sort of peace

[Flissrose]

Thankyou both for your kind replies and advice. I'm staying in neutral and using meditation to help with my anxiety regarding this painful situation.  I never believed it would go this far and our trust in her be so broken

[Pook075]

This came about because I tried to set a boundary. Any advice please?

As you know, boundaries are made to protect us from undesirable behavior. 

For example, no ice cream until you eat your veggies- every parent has said that at some point.  And for parents of BPD kids, very few of us ever saw the kid actually eat their vegetables.  They'd scream, they'd threaten, they'd be devastated for how horrible we were.

In your situation, you just did the same thing- no ice cream before your veggies.  And your kid reacted badly, just like she always does.  That shouldn't be surprising; she's using manipulation just like she always has to get that ice cream without eating her vegetables.

My advice is to stand firm, and even double-down if you have to.  You're allowed to see your grandkid because you're a free babysitter.  But I'm guessing that you're also supporting your daughter in other ways financially (which is more ice cream). 

If she's cutting you off and treating you badly, then respond appropriately.  Don't reward bad behavior just because you're scared of losing your grandkid.  She's bluffing, and when you respond with anything she doesn't like, then she'll double down for a bit as well.  But at the same time, she'll also want her ice cream (free child care + all the other stuff you do for her) and she'll come around to treating you like an adult should.

Everything about this is terrible.  But you have to stand firm.  Just because your kid is mentally ill doesn't mean that you have to be as well.  That's what happens when BPDs abuse us- we become depressed, hopeless, and full of dread.  So stop giving her that, stop worrying about what she's going to do in order to punish you.  Don't give her that power over your life anymore- stick to your boundaries and let her live with the consequences.