My beautiful daughter

[Parents! Get help here!]

My daughter is 12 years old and has the most beautiful, kind heart. She is incredible with babies, small children and animals. She was bullied at school and started struggling with her social skills and emotional regulation. Family has always meant everything to her. We moved countries when she was 6, which was very difficult for her to leave family behind.

She has always struggled with separation anxiety and has only recently been able to sleep over at a friend (when younger, she only slept at her grandparents).

She had an extreme fear of dress-up characters growing up.

Last year, she developed anorexia but is now in full recovery. When at her lowest weight, she would threaten to self-harm if we tried to get her to eat. The worst thing she did was bang her head against the wall.

She has recently been diagnosed with ADHD and struggles to contain her anger. She is very impulsive and has no filter. She has also been engaging in risky behaviour - kissing a lot of boys as she wants a boyfriend. As a result, she has lost a lot of friends as their parents won't let them hang out with her anymore.

Her biggest issue is emotional regulation and extreme anger when she does not get what she wants, threatening to self-harm. From your experience, does this sound like she has BPD?

[Magella]

My daughter is 12 years old and has the most beautiful, kind heart. She is incredible with babies, small children and animals. She was bullied at school and started struggling with her social skills and emotional regulation. Family has always meant everything to her. We moved countries when she was 6, which was very difficult for her to leave family behind.

She has always struggled with separation anxiety and has only recently been able to sleep over at a friend (when younger, she only slept at her grandparents).

She had an extreme fear of dress-up characters growing up.

Last year, she developed anorexia but is now in full recovery. When at her lowest weight, she would threaten to self-harm if we tried to get her to eat. The worst thing she did was bang her head against the wall.

She has recently been diagnosed with ADHD and struggles to contain her anger. She is very impulsive and has no filter. She has also been engaging in risky behaviour - kissing a lot of boys as she wants a boyfriend. As a result, she has lost a lot of friends as their parents won't let them hang out with her anymore.

Her biggest issue is emotional regulation and extreme anger when she does not get what she wants, threatening to self-harm. From your experience, does this sound like she has BPD?

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[BPDstinks]

Goodness, I am sorry you are going through this AT all, let alone at such an earlier age!  Well....I wish I had KNOWN the things I NOW reflect upon were my pwBPD (daughter), she, too, would make FAST friends, however, I now realize it was ONE friend at a time and very intense friendships; the friends would just DISAPPEAR (now I realize (if you research) she had FAVORITES (and, it is my understanding, a pwBPD can "smother" a friend, relative, etc.) and yes, my pwBPD is very impulsive (she would buy hundreds of dollars of Christmas gifts, than complain she was broke); she once told me she had several "partner/issues"; so....I think it sounds like BPD (sorry

[Pook075]

From your experience, does this sound like she has BPD?

To receive a diagnosis, several boxes have to be checked by a doctor or psychiatrist.  You are seeing the extreme mood swings/anger, self-harm, instability, fear of abandonment, and unstable self-image.  That means there aren't too many more boxes to check to call this BPD.

Note- I'm not a doctor or therapist, so my opinion means nothing.  I'm simply saying that you're seeing enough to warrant thinking, "This could be BPD."  She's at the right age for early symptoms to start popping up as well.

What's next?  Talk to your family doctor or see if there's a counselor at her school.  Start therapy early if possible and eventually you'll get a referral.  That's the path towards an unofficial diagnosis since they don't like official ones until they're 18.

There's also one more route- if your daughter self harms (or threatens it), a trip to the ER and a mandatory psych consult can lead to a short in-house stay to obtain a diagnosis.  Many of us here had to go that route for insurance reasons...mental healthcare in the US is severely lacking, especially for kids.  Be proactive though and do everything you can early on- don't wait since things can get a whole lot worse down the road.

[CC43]

Hi there,

If you had written the exact same description except for changing the age from 12 to 22, I confess that I'd say, that sounds a lot like BPD to me.  But the thing is, these behaviors seem very immature and over-the-top in a 22-year-old body:  think intense, inappropriate outbursts, impulsiveness, petulance, demandingness/neediness, lack of empathy, recurrent self-sabotage, unstable self-image, and unstable relationships as a result.  However, many of these behaviors seem less extraordinary for a tween or teen in my opinion.  That's when hormones kick in, and when adolescents struggle to find their place as they try to gain independence from parents, figure out who they are, and explore different social relationships.  Emotions tend to be super-sized at this stage, and learning some self-control is part of growing up.  A break-up with a romantic interest could feel like the "end of the world" in adolescence, possibly because it's the first time, and everything seems dramatic the first time.  So for a 12-year-old, some BPD behaviors may seem relatively "normal."  Maybe the rub is the intensity of the emotions.  BPD is all about intensity, and the intensity is such that it's disruptive to her life, as well as to the lives around her.

However, I don't believe that that self-harm is normal at any age, whether through semi-starvation, cutting or making suicidal gestures.  My opinion on this one is that if there's self-harm, then she needs to go to the hospital, and maybe then she'd get some professional help.

[Pook075]

Emotions tend to be super-sized at this stage, and learning some self-control is part of growing up. 

I knew something was off with my BPD kid around 6; just her rage, rebellion, and unwillingness to accept punishment felt very very off.  By 12ish, things escalated 1,000x and we went from a rebellious kid to an absolute nightmare.

I agree with you; 12 is way too early to start thinking lifelong mental illness.  But if I had started seeking help when my kid was 10 or 12, maybe we didn't face nearly as much chaos in the 13-18 ranges.  Maybe it could have made a real difference, I don't know.

But I am positive, without a doubt, that I saw something extreme at six and had absolutely no idea what to do with that.

[Notwendy]

We all have our own experiences- so we can not diagnose. I agree that 12 is too young to know for sure but knowing to be vigilant and to help her with her emotional regulations and for her to have counseling- will help no matter what the diagnosis is. Also support for you and how to manage it. Gaining relationship skills helps with all situations.

Your situation reminds me of a young woman I have known since childhood. She was a beautiful child and still is as a young adult. This is both a positive as it is a source of attention and validation, but also I think attracting people, particularly young men, has been a way to sooth her poor sense of self.

I didn't notice behavior issues with her when she was little. She developed anorexia as a young teen, but it was attributed to her being in dance and was unfortunately common among the young dancers.

Soon, boys began to notice her. I think with BPD, there's a poor sense of self and low self esteem and this was a source of validation and also a way to get her emotional needs met.

There were other behavioral concerns but I didn't know about them. Eventually she was diagnosed with BPD. So perhaps looking retroactively, one could have said there were signs, but I don't think it was possible to completely predict it.

Her parents have gotten her into mental health treatments, and been overall supportive. I don't think a label of "BPD" at 12 would have been appropriate or helpful but by getting her into therapy early- she accepts it her diagnosis and is willing to seek mental health.