She is telling horrendous lies to our kids

[Dry Bones]

I'm going through the extinction burst phase I think. I forget what I last posted here and I'm sorry for not engaging with this helpful community more. We're broken up but still living together for a few more weeks. 2 daughters 11 and 7 together. Her behavior has been more and explosive. I almost called 911  tonight as she attempted to destroy furniture and stereo equipment. My 7 year old pleaded with me not to call the police on her mom and I caved, as my uBPD ex cried that she was sorry. But right before that uBPDx threatened to tell the police "what I do to the girls" implying that there is sexual abuse. I'm livid, although it's not the first time she has threatened with such false accusations. She is also repeatedly saying to our two daughters that I am a child predator. She refers back to an adult video she found on my phone 12 years ago, which was a legal video made by two consenting adults, but which her distorted memory has turned into something else. I don't know how to counter these lies/distortions without being pulled into the chaos, and am fed up and furious that she is putting these ideas into my daughters' heads.

She has also gone on a smear campaign around town, but that pales in comparison to what she's done to my own kids. Anyone have advice on how to react to this type of behavior? I've read Splitting, but don't recall anything about when the blamer says this kind of thing to the kids. Maybe I need to reread it.

I know I only need to hang in there a bit longer, and a lawyer will be hired soon. I know she is disordered, but this behavior is just plain evil. I'm sorry--I don't have any other word for it. It's taking a mental and physical toll on me that is not good.

[ForeverDad]

I almost called 911  tonight as she attempted to destroy furniture and stereo equipment. My 7 year old pleaded with me not to call the police on her mom and I caved, as my uBPD ex cried that she was sorry.

Look at it from the another perspective... Do your children make the family's decisions?  While you do take your children's wishes into consideration, this was an adult situation, it was an exceedingly stressful time, and you had an adult decision to make.  In most circumstances you do let the other adult face consequence for bad or even abusive behavior.

Even children, when walked through the logic and not the emotions of the moment, understand that poor behavior results in consequences.  What if the child had a tantrum and started damaging toys, dishes, electronics or furniture?  Well, mom had a tantrum, shouldn't there be consequences?

That said, your children are being indoctrinated with mother's twisted claims and pressuring.  Your children would benefit from counseling, with the aim to restore normalcy and insight in their perspectives.  While the school counselors might help, their focus might lean more toward school-related aspects.  (However, something is better than nothing.)

Another avenue can be counseling for the kids.  Counselors and therapists have been sued and complaints made to licensing boards, so they are twice shy and typically require both parent to agree to counseling.  The problem is that your spouse may refuse to agree, or she may insist she choose a biased or gullible counselor.

As much as we feel we've failed if the marriage goes on hold (separation) or fails (divorce), there are positives to having family court stepping up and getting involved:

• You benefit from establishing your own home with the kids for a portion of their lives without their disordered parent's influence.  Hopefully they will come to appreciate the normalcy, calm and peace in your home.
• As my lawyer said, "Courts love counseling."  If your stbEx opposes child counseling but you seek it, then family court will very likely step in and authorize it.  Of course, the key is to ensure ex doesn't get to choose a biased or gullible counselor.

[Pook075]

Look at it from the another perspective... Do your children make the family's decisions?  While you do take your children's wishes into consideration, this was an adult situation, it was an exceedingly stressful time, and you had an adult decision to make.  In most circumstances you do let the other adult face consequence for bad or even abusive behavior.

I completely agree and was going to post the same thing.  No child wants to see mommy get arrested, but that doesn't mean you don't do the adult thing and protect your family from physical and mental abuse.

I remember almost 20 years ago, I was washing dishes and my wife pushed me out of the way to put a dish in the sink.  It made me trip over the dishwasher door and i fell to the ground.   Well, I reacted badly by yelling, and she threw a fork at my head.  It missed by inches as I dodged it.  I started screaming, my wife threw a coffee cup at my head and I dodged it again, it smashed on the wall behind me.  Then she threw a bowl at my feet (I was barefoot) and it sent broken pieces everywhere.  I said, "You want to break dishes, let's break dishes," and I smashed three or four plates in one big stack into the ground.  From there, we yelled for maybe 5 minutes and it was ugly, ugly, ugly.  We were both dead wrong.

I bring this up because our daughters were 4 and 6 at the time, and they both vividly remember this argument in their 20's.  It terrified them and to this day, my wife still brings it up how I "attacked her for no reason" (I never threw anything at her, only plates into the ground in front of me).

If it happened all over again today, I would call the police if necessary.  I hopefully wouldn't react the same today, but it's so hard to remain calm when you're being physically assaulted out of the blue, over nothing.  That's not the real issue here though and I've already said that I was dead wrong for my part in that night. 

What actually matters is the kids witnessing anything like that- it should never happen regardless of the circumstances.  So even if you don't call the police next time, you need to grab the kids and take them to McDonalds for ice cream while mom destroys the house alone.