I’m new here

[Cosamom]

After years of struggling with my son’s mental health and suicide ideation, we have arrived at BPD. I am his soul support system both financially and emotionally. This morning after I went out with friends, he bereaved me for leaving him alone because he’s so isolated and went on a tangent about what a terrible mother I am. I tried to set some boundaries but just ended up hurt, exhausted and crying. I feel trapped in my home and my life. Whenever I do something for me, I pay for it with him. I just need someone who gets it because my friends just think he’s being a spoiled jerk and it it’s so much more than that. I can’t really talk to them about it so I’m lonely and isolated too.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[PearlsBefore]

I assume you're the only parent in his life, which is obviously going to make things way more difficult for you - not being able to tag-team out when you need a break and let someone else handle it. As I'm sure you know, part of the frustration is that even if you can convince a second person to take an interest in helping him - he's likely to respond in the long-term by trying to triangulate and drive a wedge between you and create MORE, not LESS, drama in some ways.

I don't have the magic answer for you unfortunately, though hopefully you didn't come in expecting a pithy acronym that just fixes everything overnight; one thing that did help me a bit was the advice to learn to be able to visualise them basically in a hospital gown as though they're home on bedrest - when they're not. It helps to be a little more patient if you can remind yourself they kinda of are...a patient.

On the other hand, one massive boost that is tremendously helpful is to not let their barbs get to you personally; I mean yes you should respond in an appropriate way, change what should be changed and not change what shouldn't be changed, but don't take insults to heart, don't dwell on them. You almost certainly wouldn't ask his financial advice, or ask him how to maintain a steady long-term romantic relationship, or ask him to take apart your engine and put it back together...so if you don't trust his judgment to be accurate, what difference should it make that yesterday he said you were the BIGGEST ********* on the PLANET, or that he said all his problems trace back to the time you forgot him in the grocery store, or that he said all he really needs is more time on Reddit and some pot...age is almost irrelevant when dealing with BPD loved ones (good news is that most DO improve though it can take ~20 years), you have to still love them the way you loved the stupid self-centered toddler who broke your favourite vase. Or at least that's what I've found.

[kells76]

Hello Cosamom and

You're in good company with others who are also navigating very challenging, very emotionally intense family relationships. We do get it here.

After years of struggling with my son’s mental health and suicide ideation, we have arrived at BPD.

Did he receive a diagnosis? If so, is he accepting of it?

How old is he now, and when did you first start seeing signs that something was off?

I tried to set some boundaries but just ended up hurt, exhausted and crying.

Tell me some more about that. What boundaries did you try to set? How did you approach that? There may be ways for you to improve your boundary skills, which are really just rules we have for ourselves (not others) that are under our control.

I feel trapped in my home and my life. Whenever I do something for me, I pay for it with him.

Is he violent?

I just need someone who gets it because my friends just think he’s being a spoiled jerk and it it’s so much more than that. I can’t really talk to them about it so I’m lonely and isolated too.

These are difficult and often unintuitive relationships, especially because if he really does have BPD, then he has a real, serious, and impairing mental illness -- not just a "phase". Like PearlsBefore mentioned:

one thing that did help me a bit was the advice to learn to be able to visualise them basically in a hospital gown as though they're home on bedrest - when they're not. It helps to be a little more patient if you can remind yourself they kinda of are...a patient.

If BPD is in play, then your son does have serious mental wellness challenges (not insurmountable, but currently very challenging), even if there are times when he seems "normal".

As you settle in here, take a look at our articles on When a teen or adult child has Borderline Personality Disorder, and let us know what really speaks to you and your situation.

Looking forward to learning more about your story;

kells76