How did you reach your breaking point?

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

I'm really conflicted. Married 33 years with a slow, steady deterioration of our relationship since I retired 9 years ago. I've tried so hard: therapy (for years), reading (The High Conflict Couple, Stop Walking on Eggshells, Stop Caretaking the Borderline or Narcissist, I Hate You - Don't Leave Me, Loving someone with Borderline Personality Disorder, and a Gottman book), journaling, mindful meditation, etc. And I've tried hard to validate, not to JADE, follow SET, and so much more. But the frequent emotional meltdowns with me as the sole cause of all of her misery, a re-interpretation of our entire marriage, the harsh criticism, mockery, the contempt - it is really wearing me down. She refuses to speak with my therapist, whom she chose for me because he is an expert in covert narcissism (and after 30+ sessions, he says I'm not a narcissist), and she has procrastinated endlessly about seeing a therapist of her own, and refuses couples therapy.

Most days are pretty good. We have lots of common interests, and enjoy travel, hiking, gardening, certain TV programs, working out and others. But I'm always in dread of her next meltdown which can be caused by a thought she had or a reel she saw on Facebook, or some other trivial thing. She then insists on reading to me really harsh articles on Cassandra syndrome, living with a covert narcissist, stopping for her emphasis on my flaws and her suffering and inviting my comments so that she can deepen the criticism and contempt. I'm getting worn down emotionally, although I'm trying all the things recommended here and elsewhere to stay centered and strong.

This is all background to my question to you: how did you reach your breaking point with your BPD loved one? What led you to conclude that it's hopeless? I still hold out hope, which is why I am posting this in the "conflicted" section. She has not crossed any bright red lines, which for me would include sexual infidelity, physical violence, or serious addiction issues. Our two children are adults now, but at my age (68) I'm really hesitant to live alone. But I feel like I am dying by 10,000 cuts.

Any personal experiences would be greatly appreciated! Thanks for listening.

[GrayJay]

I'm really conflicted. Married 33 years with a slow, steady deterioration of our relationship since I retired 9 years ago. I've tried so hard: therapy (for years), reading (The High Conflict Couple, Stop Walking on Eggshells, Stop Caretaking the Borderline or Narcissist, I Hate You - Don't Leave Me, Loving someone with Borderline Personality Disorder, and a Gottman book), journaling, mindful meditation, etc. And I've tried hard to validate, not to JADE, follow SET, and so much more. But the frequent emotional meltdowns with me as the sole cause of all of her misery, a re-interpretation of our entire marriage, the harsh criticism, mockery, the contempt - it is really wearing me down. She refuses to speak with my therapist, whom she chose for me because he is an expert in covert narcissism (and after 30+ sessions, he says I'm not a narcissist), and she has procrastinated endlessly about seeing a therapist of her own, and refuses couples therapy.

Most days are pretty good. We have lots of common interests, and enjoy travel, hiking, gardening, certain TV programs, working out and others. But I'm always in dread of her next meltdown which can be caused by a thought she had or a reel she saw on Facebook, or some other trivial thing. She then insists on reading to me really harsh articles on Cassandra syndrome, living with a covert narcissist, stopping for her emphasis on my flaws and her suffering and inviting my comments so that she can deepen the criticism and contempt. I'm getting worn down emotionally, although I'm trying all the things recommended here and elsewhere to stay centered and strong.

This is all background to my question to you: how did you reach your breaking point with your BPD loved one? What led you to conclude that it's hopeless? I still hold out hope, which is why I am posting this in the "conflicted" section. She has not crossed any bright red lines, which for me would include sexual infidelity, physical violence, or serious addiction issues. Our two children are adults now, but at my age (68) I'm really hesitant to live alone. But I feel like I am dying by 10,000 cuts.

Any personal experiences would be greatly appreciated! Thanks for listening.

[Pook075]

how did you reach your breaking point with your BPD loved one?

For me, I never reached my breaking point and I still deeply care about my BPD ex.  At the same time though, she decided to leave after 23 years of marriage and I eventually accepted it as the best possible outcome.  Because around that time, I also started leaning on my faith and it allowed me to see the toxic patterns that were ingrained into every aspect of our relationship.

In short, God calls us to live in peace and our relationship was highly abusive.  Not physically, mind you, but the long-term wounds hurt just the same.  I'm sure you can relate.

[EyesUp]

Jay,

I'm a little over 3 years post-divorce, separated almost a year before that.  From my current vantage point, there were two things that helped more than anything.

I read the same books and turned to the same sources you mentioned. I spoke with our former marriage counselor and my individual therapist. I opened up - slightly - and spoke with friends and family (still protective of my then wife).

Everyone offered support and sympathy, but there was little practical advice. No one had been in my situation. Most people are discrete and offer "will support whatever you decide..." - which is almost certainly the right position to take. Therapists ask "how do you feel" which is their way of helping patients to focus on themselves instead of the other person... in fact, that's a big clue.

The two things that helped me decide to take action:

1) "Radical acceptance" - I initially understood this to mean that I had to accept my uBPDxw. In fact, for me, it meant that I had to accept things about myself. i.e., things that I could and could not change. One of the things I changed was how I felt about divorce. I came to accept that it was necessary and actually beneficial. It was a profound breakthrough

2) Being told directly: People who act this way rarely get better. We generally don't do this here. The message was from the detective assigned to our case when my then-wife threatened self harm and a 911 call was made. The female detective listened closely to my story and bluntly said: "We see this all the time. You don't have a marriage, and in any case the police can't help unless there's a crime or violence" - huge wake up call. It was the first time anyone in the failing-marriage-industrial-complex gave me straight talk like that.

My situation was probably a bit different than the one you're in now. Similar in that I had become the epicenter of my uBPDxw's apparent unhappiness and resentment (one of the Gottman's horsemen). Different in that my uBPDxw was having an affair (which she blamed on me), accusing me of financial abuse (though she quit her job), and emotional abuse (because a, b, c, d... ).

In the end, I understood - and accepted - that I couldn't "fix" any of it. 

I had to focus on myself, being the best person and father I can be - which remains work in progress. Giving myself permission to let go of the marriage was a gift. I had no idea that a reboot was even possible, but it's turned out to be the best thing.

Getting to this point was not easy. I grew up with a single parent and was determined not to repeat that cycle with our kids. I was committed to my vow, in sickness and health. I had and still have a tendency to reset after a good workout - it's like whatever is bothering me fades away as the endorphins swish around... I had to really focus on how I got into an unhealthy relationship in the first place - and gain some new self awareness.

If my experience is instructive in any way, it should be:  You need to look inward for the answers. You can't "solve" another person - with or without BPD in the mix. You can turn yourself inside out - walking on eggshells, overt acts of service to demonstrate commitment - but as you probably already know, someone with distorted thinking will not or can not perceive any of this in healthy way - at least not consistently, persistently.

There are stories about pwBPD seeking help and shifting away from unproductive behaviors via DBT and other approaches. In every instance this is mentioned, the pwBPD led themself to recovery. It turns out: We're all in the same situation - we can only manage ourselves.

Hope this makes sense in some way?

[PeteWitsend]

... she has procrastinated endlessly about seeing a therapist of her own, and refuses couples therapy.

...

If you can, read some of the posts here on couples therapy with a pwBPD.  You'll see that even when they do agree to go, it is an exercise in futility.  If they're not allowed to control the sessions and turn them into a blame game to absolve themselves of any responsibility for their behavior, they'll refuse to go.  The sessions themselves will become a source of more conflict, not less.

You seem to be hoping for change, but you've been married for 33 years?  How many more years will it take to convince you that's not going to happen?

...
This is all background to my question to you: how did you reach your breaking point with your BPD loved one? What led you to conclude that it's hopeless? I still hold out hope, which is why I am posting this in the "conflicted" section. She has not crossed any bright red lines, which for me would include sexual infidelity, physical violence, or serious addiction issues. Our two children are adults now, but at my age (68) I'm really hesitant to live alone. But I feel like I am dying by 10,000 cuts.

Any personal experiences would be greatly appreciated! Thanks for listening.

My situation was a little similar in that there were no "bright red lines" crossed, although it was bad enough in other ways (screaming, breaking things, throwing things) that there was an implied threat that she (BPDxw) would be willing to escalate further if she didn't get her way.  And as far as I know, she didn't cheat - at least I never had any evidence of it - but nothing would surprise me. 

She would even - rarely - admit her behavior was out of line and say she was open to getting help, but after the second time that came and went in circles, I stopped believing her.  Talk is cheap, and even moreso to a pwBPD.  They'll do and say anything in the moment to get what they want, or what they feel they need. 

I really resented her (even now, if I walk myself through some of the worst moments of our marriage, I can get angry) and was completely out of love with her, so there was no attraction in that regard.  The only reason I stayed as long as I did (5 1/2 years of marriage) was because we had a young child together, and I was concerned for them and their wellbeing without me there.  I had no problem leaving BPDxw; she had demonstrated a complete lack of concern for me (and my extended family, who I love and am close to) and beyond that, she had shown something bordering on contempt and spite... for what, I could not imagine, other than I had a loving family and middle-class happy childhood and she didn't.  So between us, I knew it was in my interest to get out.  Better to be with no one than with someone actively trying to hurt you, right?

What made the difference was professional and personal advice telling me that my D would be okay without me, and the fighting and high conflict environment were NOT good for her... perhaps even worse than if we divorced.  So that was my calculus in the end: if I left, I could at least give my daughter a conflict-free home the 30+% of the time she was with me.  If I stayed, she'd be exposed to that 100% of the time. 

We make our marriage vows, but we don't really know the person at the time; we're not told they're BPD or on the spectrum, and we don't often even know what BPD is.  They don't give us a snapshot of marriage with them and say "Oh by the way, know that I'm wired like this, and this is how I'm going to treat you." So, to me, that invalidates the "in sickness and in health" part.

Ultimately, it's a decision you have to make and live with though.  Only you can open that door.  And realize you can make that decision.  If you don't want to live with someone because they're making you miserable, that's OK.  Go talk to an attorney, get your affairs in order, and leave. 

[Under The Bridge]

how did you reach your breaking point with your BPD loved one? What led you to conclude that it's hopeless?

In my own case it was when the light finally came on that I was in an ever-repeating cycle and the massive - and I really do mean massive - effort I was putting into the relationship to keep it going was just draining me both physically but mainly mentally.

Her last meltdown was the one where I finally pulled the plug as it was on a whole new level from previous ones - I actually was frightened of her this time, she seemed so out of it and capable of physical attack, with her dead black eyes. I'm convinced she could have done anything to me at that point and one of the people who witnessed the whole thing also remarked upon her 'demonic' eyes and commented 'Good job there wasn't a knife on the table' (we were in a pub at the time).

Normal post-meltdown procedure was for her to simply walk away for a few weeks knowing I'd be still going into the pub looking for her then, when she deemed I'd been 'punished' enough, she'd come back in and it would be up to me to talk to her and get us back on track again. It was an absolute script and I've always been convinced that, despite her BPD, she knew exactly what she was doing.

To cut a long story short, this last outburst was so bad and threstening that I simply didn't chase her anymore. I heard much later that she came back looking for me in her usual way but this time I wasn't there. Hard to do at the time but I definitely did the right thing. I later learned after bumping into her sister in law many years later that she was still acting exactly the same way with current relationships so I definitely dodged a bullet.

Our relationship lasted 4 years - including her many splits - and it drained me so much. I can't imagine what 20 or 30 years of this would have done to me.

[PeteWitsend]

In my own case it was when the light finally came on that I was in an ever-repeating cycle and the massive - and I really do mean massive - effort I was putting into the relationship to keep it going was just draining me both physically but mainly mentally.

....

That reminds me: I forgot to mention that journaling helped me see this too.

If I did play any role in the relationship dysfunction, it wasn't codependency but that I had weaker personal boundaries than I should.  I allowed a lot of this.  .

That's not to say the relationship would have been better if that wasn't the case; it would have simply ended sooner.  There would have been less dysfunction because I would not have accepted her disingenuous excuses and apologies and stayed committed to her. 

At some point, I bought a personal planner and started tracking how often we fought, what the fights were about and how long we'd spend not talking to eachother afterward.  Also how many days were "good" days or at least "major-conflict free and on speaking terms." 

Not too long before I filed for divorce, I looked back and was surprised that even during months I remembered as "Good" we were still fighting and not talking to eachother close to 40% of the time.  I.e. in a good 30 day month, we were either fighting or not speaking anywhere from 10-15 days.  Bad months were > 15 days! 

I realized I also looked forward to the days of silent treatment because I knew at least I could avoid her, have time to myself, and there wouldn't be any new fighting.  We were not on speaking terms.  And if you're not speaking to a pwBPD, you're not fighting at least.  Right?

But this realization drove home how absurd the situation was.  Why even be in a relationship like that if the best you can hope for is not fighting too badly?

[HurtAndTired]

Hi Jay,

I came to the realization that there was no hope of saving my marriage within the past 5 months. My wife and I have been together for 13 years and have a S3 together. I just turned 50 this past fall. I get how your age can play into your decision, it definitely played into mine.

For me, protecting my son from my wife's dysregulation is the most important concern. Your kids are grown, so that is off your plate at least. The other way in which we differ is that your wife is not violent, mine is, and I have been seriously assaulted multiple times over the years.

However, one thing that I think we have in common is thinking about how we want to spend our "golden years." I know that I went through a phase where I was trying to hold onto the marriage for the sake of our son, until I finally realized that giving him a safe home at least part of the time away from Mom was in his best interest, but even then I imagined cutting the cord the second that he graduated from high school. It all comes down to the fact that I want to enjoy my retirement and be able to live a life that is not full of stress and dread as I get older.

Even now, getting ready to divorce over the next 8 to 12 months, I am not thinking about it as a chance to "start over." If I never have another romantic relationship, I am ok with that. I am focused on being a dad and taking care of myself. I can no longer take care of an adult woman who can and should be taking care of herself. Not only caretaking her, but doing so without ever receiving a word of thanks, let alone any reciprocal care. As I get older and potentially face health issues, I do not want to have to deal with her issues on top of that. I would rather be an older, single gentleman living in peace than married and miserable during what should be some of the best years of my life.

At 68, you still have many good years ahead of you in which you can enjoy your children and grandchildren. Spend time with friends, and possibly your faith community. You can engage in whatever hobbies bring you joy, and take trips as you wish. I know that it can be scary contemplating being alone, but let me ask you, don't you already feel alone? I know that I do. I have never been lonelier than being married to a pwBPD.

Long ago, I realized that I cannot share my deepest thoughts and feelings, and hopes and dreams with my wife. She would just find vulnerabilities to use as weapons against me later. I have spent the majority of my marriage careful to only talk about very shallow things with her for fear of giving her ammunition. It is impossible to deeply connect with a person when there is zero trust in the relationship. I am looking forward to being divorced because I will finally be able to be my true self all of the time. I will no longer have to rein in and carefully curate everything I say, do, and even think in my own home anymore because I will no longer fear setting her off and having to endure yet another meltdown. I am looking forward to spending more quality time with friends and family. I do not see them nearly as much as I would like to because my wife has spent so much time and effort trying to isolate me from them.

Just think about being able to do all of the things that you list as enjoying in your post (working out, traveling, hiking, gardening, etc. without having to live in constant fear of the next meltdown happening. Also, consider that while you are in good health now, you could have serious health concerns over the next decade of your life. In my experience, pwBPD are not good at taking care of sick people, as it takes the spotlight off of them and requires them to have empathy. Being stressed out also does not help the sick person recover. Ask yourself if this is how you want to face both the joys and challenges of your retirement years (stress-free and single or stressed out and married to the source of your stress), and I think you will find you have an answer to your question.

HurtAndTired

[ForeverDad]

In my own case it was when the light finally came on that I was in an ever-repeating cycle and the massive - and I really do mean massive - effort I was putting into the relationship to keep it going was just draining me both physically but mainly mentally.

Similarly, I was clueless for years as to what precisely I was dealing with.  Most people hear of narcissists, it's a common buzz word.  But Borderline?  It may be mentioned in high profile cases like the Amber Heard headlines but it is not in the public eye nearly as much.  My first clue came from a phone call to a university information line a few months before my marriage crashed and burned.

I came to the realization that there was no hope of saving my marriage...

I didn't have a breaking point, rather I finally accepted WHAT IS and that despite my efforts it was only getting worse.  I accepted that if I was to have some peace, calm and a measure of recovery, the relationship would have to end.  I accepted that if I was to have meaningful parenting and provide a somewhat 'normal' childhood for my child, the adult relationship would have to end.

Acceptance is one of the eventual aspects of Grieving a Loss.  What you do about it may depend upon your circumstances and how severe the impact is on your life, but it's your call, there is no all right or all wrong, the decision is up to you.

[SinisterComplex]

how did you reach your breaking point with your BPD loved one?

I'll answer this one because it is simple enough to answer. I finally reached what I call my BS quota. Once that is reached with anyone I totally check out on people in general. However, you have to repeatedly do some pretty stupid S or hurt me, etc to fill that quota. Once you do though I tend to move on or create space and care from a distance. I don't wish ill will or anything like that, but there comes a point where people serve their purpose. Its the whole reason, season, or lifetime thing. Not everyone is meant to be in your life for a lifetime.

With my ex-wife it was when we separated and then once we started seeing each other again and had sex again she started pulling some high school drama crap and I was like I am so done with this nonsense and even texted her I was calling a 4th and long punt and that I was done. In essence, it was a game yet again and I wasn't going to take the bait...I get sick of drama quite fast. She was trying to call my bluff...anyone ever dumb enough to do that ends up taking a loss every time. Fast forward 5 years after divorce and she showed up on my doorstep randomly one night the day before my birthday trying wish me a happy birthday and saying she was just in the area...again, didn't play that dumb game and told her to kick rocks. 

That is the straight to the point cliff notes version. LOL.

Cheers and Best Wishes!

-SC-

[captain5024]

When it was clear the behavior was starting to affect (be aimed at) the children AND there was no remorse, apology or awareness of the damage being done...it was well past time to call it quits.

[GrayJay]

Many thanks to everyone who replied:  Pook075, EyesUp, PeteWitsend, Under The Bridge, HurtAndTired, ForeverDad, SinisterComplex, and Captain5024. I really appreciate hearing your experiences and insights.

Certainly I wasn't expecting any easy answers, and although those of us in relationships with pwBPD share many common experiences and challenges, each situation is unique. For me, I'm not ready to exit just yet, but I am following paths which should bring things into focus: therapy, journaling, mindful meditation, reading (this site especially), and talking with one or two close friends. The answer must ultimately come from within me.

Although I have been married 33 years, the first 25 or so varied between "fairly good" and "very good." I'm not totally sure why her emotions and behavior have slowly but steadily deteriorated in recent years. I thought that BPD, of which she has 6 of the 9 traits (she is uBPD) would have shown up soon after we married. She did have some odd outbursts, but very infrequently (months to years apart). One of my adult children said "Dad, Mom took out all her emotions on us as we were growing up, not you. Now she only has you in the household to dump on." (As adults, they are both in therapy.) Regardless of how the behavior developed, my wife has slowly but steadily gotten worse. I guess I gradually adjusted (and accepted) her behavior because it came on slowly. And no doubt I did not have proper boundaries or know how to deal with BPD behavior so I enabled her to treat me badly and get her satisfaction.  There's also the Fear, Obligation, and Guilt factor which I am struggling with. Also we have a huge house with a lot of stuff and dividing it all up, selling the house, and starting over would be an enormously time, money, and energy-consuming drain.

I used to journal in detail the origin and behavior of each outburst, but I eventually gave up due to so much repetition and the sheer volume of the writing. As several of you have said, I can only change myself, and if she does not get into therapy from her own motivation and work hard at it, there will be more and more of the endlessly repeated contempt, rage, blame, etc.

Thanks again, everyone.

[eightdays]

I had a similar experience in that there were many good years, but at some point that began to change and it was not reversible.    My best guess about this, which I can't take credit for - it came from a psychologist...Is that my partner began to take for granted after we were sufficiently entangled legally, financially, and emotionally that we would never split up.   And so the longer we were together she had less and less motive to repress her behavior.   

For me the point of no return was when I realized that that it wasn't just about my partner.   I became part of the unhealthy dynamic simply by choosing to allow someone to relate to me in these ways, and when I saw that clearly I knew that wasn't a life I wanted.  I felt I had no choice but to get out at that point.   It was scary, but I have been ok and I don't find myself second guessing what I did anymore.

[ForeverDad]

I had a similar experience in that there were many good years, but at some point that began to change and it was not reversible.    My best guess about this, which I can't take credit for - it came from a psychologist...Is that my partner began to take for granted after we were sufficiently entangled legally, financially, and emotionally that we would never split up.   And so the longer we were together she had less and less motive to repress her behavior.

That is the "obligation" aspect of BPD FOG (Fear, Obligation, Guilt) where, over time, the other has less incentive to rein in poor behavior.

A pattern that is almost universal is that the poor behavior (whether discord, abuse, etc) worsens over time.  For it to get better, meaningful therapy diligently applied would be necessary.  However, BPD traits include extreme levels of denial, projection, blaming and blame shifting which make real recovery less likely.

[EyesUp]

That is the "obligation" aspect of BPD FOG (Fear, Obligation, Guilt) where, over time, the other has less incentive to rein in poor behavior.

A pattern that is almost universal is that the poor behavior (whether discord, abuse, etc) worsens over time.  For it to get better, meaningful therapy diligently applied would be necessary.  However, BPD traits include extreme levels of denial, projection, blaming and blame shifting which make real recovery less likely.

Yes; Another variation on this theme is "entitlement" - the pwBPD and/or NPD feels that a, b, c, or d is ok for them because x, y, z...   they may not express this in a rational way, or they may not express it directly at all. 

Instead, we observe "acting out" - in which feelings are expressed in surprising and often negative, unproductive ways.

What we perceive as feeling bad, the pwBPD may perceive as "I feel bad, so you should feel bad too" or "if you really care about me, you won't mind if I make you feel bad" or "I'll feel better if I'm not the only one feeling bad" and about a million other variations on themes of switch-a-roo in which feelings that the pwBPD cannot manage/acknowledge are transfered/projected on to someone else...

But this all stems from an ability and willingness to shift responsibility over to someone else:  that's entitlement.

[Notwendy]

I don't know if my father reached a breaking point or not, as my parents stayed together. One of my observations about their relationship is that my BPD mother always had BPD but the behavior were less in some times than others. If we think of BPD behaviors as coping mechanisms, it makes sense they'd vary with changes. Even positive changes are stressors as they are changes.

It's interesting that your wife has conflicts with your adult daughter. My BPD mother also wanted my father to "take her side" in conflicts. I can see the scene where you accidentally dialed your D happening with us as well. Read about Karpman triangle dynamics - it's a good explanation.

There are two major life events that have happened that seem to correspond to your wife's increase in BPD behavior. One is the empty nest. Even without BPD, to experience the empty nest is a big event and it's emotional. As your D said, your wife took out her feelings on the children. The kids are both a focus of care- if your wife was a caretaker for them- but also players in the Karpman triangle and a potential focus for her projections. I still think my father was a main focus for my BPD mother's behaviors- but also we were too. It's possible that now that the children are out of the house- you become the one she interacts with the most.

This is a change for you too. In a way, I think I was a challenge for my parents since I didn't buy into my BPD mother's thinking and that cause conflicts. On the other hand, I think we kids were a reality check for Dad. BPD mother's issues were a closely kept family secret. Once we kids grew up and left home, it was just the two of them, and the secret unchallenged. I think it was easier economically and attention wise once it was just the two of them. Money and attention could be focused on BPD mother.

Retirement also is a change. If your wife was a caretaker- the kids leaving home is a form of retirement, a loss of focus and purpose. I think Dad's career helped him tolerate what was going on at home because- he was out of the house, with colleagues, and a sense of shared purpose which is a source of self esteem. Once retired, he was available more for my mother's emotional needs. One possibility is that it seems your wife is acting up more- but it's also possibly because you are together more, where as before, each of you had other outlets. If work contributed to your self esteem- there's a loss there.

One solution may be for you to develop more outside interests and activities. After retirement, my father would do things like take daily walks, go out for breakfast or lunch on his own.

I don't think the first 20 years of my parents' marriage was as smooth as you describe yours. My mother met every one of the criteria for BPD and I think her behavior was more severe. I agree with what you said about each breaking point being individual. I don't think it's heroic to stay or not heroic to leave. It's a dynamic between two people.

[CravingPeace]

1. She went to Australia, I had paid for her. Its far from where I live. My mom came to visit as exBPD refused to allow my mom in the house when she was there.  A housr I paid for and bought as she refused to work. We had young kids but she could of worked. I was depressed for a few days. Then felt so good. I realised it was not right. I began plugging in behaviours into google and came up with borderline or covert narcasist. So I started working on myself for about a year.

2. Went to marriage therapist. I madr sure she was masters educated  and had done 10 years of it. I also found one who specialized in phsyc evals. I guess I was looking for validation. After 3 sessions she asked for one and ones. She told me under no uncertain terms I was being abused, my children would be harmed, my ex seems to have bpd and is likely bipolar and I should get out but it would be very rough.

3. I got a very good therapist that refused to talk about her. Whenever i went on about her he would refocus on me. What about me. What could i own. He helped me realise it was pointless talking about her. I own my destiny not her.

Ultimately I realized life would not get better. In my mid 40s I needed to focus on me and my children. I also read reddit raisedbyborderlines and realised children resent the enabler more than the borderline. I knew if I stayed I would be tarnished by the same brush. So I left.

Worst year of my life. She threw everything at me, every accusation, police, protective orders, etc etc. But I got through it. So glad I did it. It will cost me 7 figures when all said and done. And I am stressed about money and my future. Still worth it! You can't put a price on peace.

[PeteWitsend]

...

Worst year of my life. She threw everything at me, every accusation, police, protective orders, etc etc. But I got through it. So glad I did it. It will cost me 7 figures when all said and done. And I am stressed about money and my future. Still worth it! You can't put a price on peace.

I consider myself lucky in that the cost of litigation sobered BPDxw up quick, and we were able to get through the divorce without much added litigation.  I took what I was entitled to though, and didn't fight for more custody as I probably should have.

But regardless, you're right.  I remember when I moved out (hadn't filed yet) and finally got everything into my new house & closed the door behind me.  It felt wonderful knowing she could never legally set foot inside there.  I felt like I was born again; like I had my life back.