so confused

[BPDstinks]

Hi, friends!  Well...Easter is over (whew!) onto the next disappointing holiday, Mother's Day! This Easter I found out my pwBPD was with my sister (again) AND her daughter (who pwBPD declared despising a couple of years) I feel very sad (I know, I know...mental illness) however, it is going on 3 years now...I have a question....do you feel it is possible for a pwBPD to "shift" feelings; I just cannot seem to grasp how she can have NOTHING to do with ANY of us (her father, sister, nieces) yet be with the people I used to beg her to visit; I have a therapist, I am just curious if ANYone goes through this thought process?

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Pook075]

That's pretty much BPD 101 behavior- get close to someone, realize there's a problem, then blame the person you just got close to as being that problem.  Because hey, it can't be the BPD having any sort of the blame.  So they discard them and move on.

Only, BPDs have to have a favorite person, someone to latch onto and say it's their best friend in the whole entire world.  That usually ends up being someone completely new, or one of their previous relationships that they've already written off.  Even if it was scorched earth type of stuff, if they'll understand why they hate their latest ex-bestie, then they're perfectly acceptable.

As these patterns unravel long-term, many people simply say enough- you're not coming back into my circle with all that chaos.  So the selections for a new friend group become more scarce within the family.  Again, it has to be at least one family member though because they need the family gossip and they have to trash talk the entire family for failing them.

So yeah, your sister and her daughter make perfect sense...at least for now.  We'll see soon who's the new family bestie by Thanksgiving.

[BPDstinks]

Thank you, Pook!  I knew this would happen, I mentally prepped myself for it, however, when my mother told me, I felt like, poof....just sad (and disappointed, always disappointed); however, my new therapy kicked in....I asked myself, do I LIKE my sister (no), do I miss being there (I think I miss the idea) how do I feel with pwBPD (so stressed, nervous, nauseous) and did I enjoy the Easter I spent with my other daughter, yes, very much so!  (now, to pump myself up, AGAIN, for Mother's Day); I know...if wishes were dimes we'd all be rich, I wish for everyone on this board, BPD would just disappear! I appreciate your words

[CC43]

Hi there,

I'm sorry you're still estranged from your daughter, that must feel both sad and perplexing.  I agree with Pook and would add that a main indicator of BPD is volatile relationships, and that "explains" your daughters hot-then-cold relationships with family.  I also agree with Pook that, since your daughter is needy, it's likely that she'll always choose someone in the family to be close to, because she's getting something from them:  sympathy, attention, money, help and/or "validation" of a supposed history of abuse, while she provides little in return.  Typically, only family or a romantic interest would tolerate such a one-sided relationship for long.  I wouldn't be surprised if the relationship ran its course, and she'll resume hating them again, and turn to another family member to fill her needs.

I saw this relationship cycle many times with my stepdaughter when she was untreated for BPD.  Generally speaking, she'd be close to one member of the family, relying on them for housing and money, but when she didn't get her way, she'd storm off, become estranged and hole up somewhere else.  For my stepdaughter, this happened maybe every three to six months.  It's like she was waiting for a new season, such as summer vacation or back-to-school, to try something different.  For my stepdaughter, I think her thinking was, she'll set up in a new place, to "recover" or to get a "fresh start," both in terms of a living situation and a familial relationship.  After a "honeymoon" period of "settling in" and adjusting, when she's too "overwhelmed" to do much of anything, she coasts along and expects to be treated like a guest, or maybe a sick patient.  But eventually, she'd get bored, and she'd wear out her welcome, as well as run out of money.  Her "host" would be frustrated that she didn't ever pull her weight, or seem to be making any headway in becoming a responsible adult.  Even if they didn't say anything, she could sense it, and she became angry.  It might be that she was also frustrated that good things never seemed to happen TO her; it's as if she expected to find a prince charming, become an internet sensation or be discovered as fashion model without doing any work.  When she didn't get what she wanted, and she wasn't having much fun lying around in bed all day, she'd have a meltdown and then repeat the scenario somewhere else.  The meltdowns typically happened around holidays or on the eve of a new season, such as summer vacation or back-to-school.  She might have thought, she needed to go somewhere else to get a fresh start, and she expected her family to enable that for her.  Unfortunately, she couldn't escape BPD by changing up her living situations and her relationships.

[BPDstinks]

CC43!  Thank you!  You "hit the nail on the head"; my sister is a very weak personality who (such a weird mess, does not speak to me, because she wasn't speaking to HER daughter, for 2 years) I stepped in & helped my niece with her wedding, amongst other things, so my sister stopped speaking to ME!  So....to find out my niece AND pwBPD were all together was a hard pill to swallow (I have a therapist who specializes in parents of family with BPD & she speaks of a DIAD (basically, a group of people who choose to get together & I should "accept" it (I have no choice BUT to accept it, however, it REALLLLLLY makes me sad (than, I get MAD!  I work very hard on my own mental health & this does not help) in any case, pwBPD sees a dialectal therapist (I don't know what to think of that) and my mother feed into ANY thing & reports it back to me, sigh