Should I reach out to my daughter with BPD traits

[justamomtrying]

Hello. I have an adult daughter who exhibits strong traits of BPD. When she did briefly attend therapy over a year ago, one therapist said BPD, but then she claimed another said complex PTSD. To me the label is the least important concern, as I am trying to figure out how to cope with the pitfalls. To make a long story short, about 3 years ago, our daughter and grandson had to move home with us from across the country when her marriage fell apart and Covid issues meant she had no way to support her child. We thought it would be the solution to get her back on her feet. But we had no idea how damaged she was, and then how verbally abusive towards us she would be, and how manipulative. After a crisis moment when we had to call 911 she went to therapy and we tried to attend with her for a few sessions. We also went on our own for awhile. Things did improve but far from perfect (they have not lived with us now for over a year), but near enough that we could help with her child almost every day. About a month ago, I - her mother- went to help her as she said she was physically unwell. I was confronted with abusive swearing, name calling, demeaning accusations. I left because it was so hurtful. When this type of action occurred previously, she would often even ask us for help again the very next day. This time, she has remained estranged, and does not allow us to see our grandchild who has a very close relationship with my husband, his grandfather. Indeed, my husband has been the only positive role model in his life as his father does not contact him. This past weekend, we thought things might be headed in the right direction because she allowed our grandson to come visit for the afternoon when our other grandchildren were here from out of town so they could have cousin time together. We made it clear she was very welcome to come too, but she refused. Then she accused us of not inviting her to where we were going for the rest of easter weekend-
 (we went to my sister's because we felt there was no need in us staying home since she would not come to dinner anyway), and since then she removed herself from the family chat thread we have. She also accused me of not telling her an important message, even though I did send a text to all my children on that chat thread the day before. I have tried to reach out to her a few times with loving messages, etc. I guess my question now is - should I send her another letter - I have drafted one telling her how much I love her and want her in my life, how much the estrangement hurts, and that I am willing to talk but not accept name calling or demeaning ridicule. Should I send it, or let this continue? I am almost 70 years old and it hurts so much when I have tried to be an ever present mom my whole life. Thank you

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[BPDstinks]

hi!  I so sorry you are going through this!  Let me say, WHEN you find out, to reach out, please let me know!  My 24 y/o daughter (pwBPD) cut me, her father, her sister and her beautiful, young (who we practically raised years ago) off, with ZERO warning; it will be 3 years on 5/24/25 since i have physically SEEN my daughter & I keep thinking I should try harder (?) (though my BPD therapist is unsure); I text her once a month, on holidays and send holiday card/gift cards; per my therapist's suggestion, I keep the messages "light", Merry Christmas, miss you, etc. (breaks my absolute heart that THIS is our relationship: she texts me ONLY if she needs something (i.e. her insurance card) yet ignores IMPORTANT messages (like her car dealership calling ME) in any case, I just never know if I am doing TOO much, not enough, it is a slippery slope!  I wish YOU good luck

[justamomtrying]

I too am so sorry to hear your story. It is so difficult to be disconnected from someone who is part of you. Three years must be so painful. I will follow your suggestions for contacting her regularly. Thank you.

[Notwendy]

I am sorry to hear about your situation. I responded when I saw you were considering a letter. From my own experience (BPD mother) any letters or email I sent to my parents, explaining my position, were seen in a negative light. In addition, BPD mother kept them as some sort of "evidence". I recenly found one I sent my father (both parents are deceased now) and there was nothing offensive or wrong about it. I thought it was respectful and compassionate. Yet BPD mother would tell me how awful it was.

Please read up about the Karpman triangle. Your daughter perceives things from victim perspective. If you mention feeling hurt- that is seen as somehow attacking her. A

This may not make sense to you but it is due to distorted thinking.

One possible reason your D is being distant is shame. I didn't think of it this way with my BPD mother who could be hurtful at times but I think some of her behavior was shame- shame for some of her behavior- which is very distressful for someone with BPD.

Does this mean you need to tolerate verbal abuse? No, you can have boundaries and you should not enable this. But I don't think you can approach someone with BPD from Victim (hurt) perspective. They are in Victim perspective and they may react as if you are hurting them.

Don't take the verbal abuse personally. It's her getting rid of her emotions. Do you recall when she had temper tantrums? You didn't take that personally. This is an adult temper tantrum. Just let her be and let her calm down.

If you are around your D and she is being verbally abusive, actions are better than words. If it's on the phone, tell her you need to answer the door or some other excuse that isn't blaming her ( even if someone isn't there- it's a neutral "white lie"). If it's in person, excuse yourself to use the restroom- even if all you do is sit in there for 10 minutes and do nothing. Remove yourself from the verbal abuse. Don't react back. This is the adult version of "time out"- for both of you.

I'd go with the casual contact- short texts - "hi honey, have a great day". Keep her in a group text with other family members and update her on family information. Send her a birthday card, Christmas card, small gift if you wish. Keep sending grandson cards and gifts.

It's a plus that she let the grandson come over. Hopefully there will be more of this.

These are difficult situations and sometimes the relationships are strained. It's sad when this happens but it's also up to your D as well. Self care is important so take care of yourself as best you can.

[SoVeryConfused]

Hi, I am so sorry to hear this. I understand the sadness and more, the uncertainty of what to do. I see a therapist, and this question came up yesterday. His advice was helpful, so sharing, FWIW:

He said there are three questions we should always ask ourselves: 1) Should I do this? 2) Do I want to do this? 3) Am I capable of doing this? (emotionally, physically, financially)

A lot of times, I operate out of "should" more than other places. I feel an obligation or guilt, or I hope I can do or say the exact right thing to improve the relationship. I also miss my child. But operating out of should too much isn't healthy - it's giving our peace and self away.

For our health and to maintain enough compassion and bandwidth to stay in the relationship, we should operate more out of "do I want" to do something. 

So, for instance... I missed my child and haven't spoken with them. So I did text a neutral message because I wanted to. But there have been times I have done it because I felt I should - because that's what a "good mom" would do. But that's not healthy... to do things because I have pride in looking like a good mom or guilt about it. I didn't want to do those things, but felt I "should." 

So, related to your situation, what do you want to do?

It's ok not to reach out if you don't want to or don't have the emotional capacity to take another session of being a punching bag. If you want to, is it healthy for you? Will you feel good after you do it, like it aligns with your values and gives you peace? I realize with a grandchild, this is really different.

Finally, the therapist said something else... I can't go into any interaction in hopes of getting a certain reaction. In my case, my child is rough only to me, and it's pretty much 100% of our interactions.

So, if I do choose to interact, I have to do so knowing nothing I do or say may inspire the reaction I hope for. That's on her. I can't worry that I say the exact right thing or do the exact right thing because, for my situation, the child doesn't have a posture of reconciliation, so there will be no right thing, most likely.

I have no idea if this is helpful, but thought I would share.

[Notwendy]

This is good advice. I mentioned letters as in my situation, they didn't work out well.

If you do something- do it without expectations, and also if you can handle any reaction.

I didn't send letters, but I did keep in contact by phone and text mainly.

[justamomtrying]

Thank you Notwendy and SoVeryConfused for your input. It is helpful. I have sent the "wrong" type of letter before, and I worked hard on this drafted one, but Notwendy you have pointed out something very important to me. As filled with love as my draft is, I realize that it could be received in a different manner than anticipated because of her distorted thinking. And SoVeryConfused - I do understand those necessary thought processes for my own well being.This time, when this latest event occurred , it has taken a month of sadness and knowing I did not have the energy to help her or myself. I have taken the time to differentiate between what I want to do, and what I "should" do, and I have chosen what I need to do for myself first and that is rare. I would like to find a counsellor to talk to, but I get overwhelmed trying to figure out what would be a good fit for me and for my husband. This forum is new for me, and I have been reading some of the articles on this site. The grandchild part is a complication for sure. He lived with us for over a year and we had to look after him completely for several months when she was in crisis. Our grandchild is so connected to his grandfather as he has been his only positive male role model and they are very close. We worry so much about him and know that he must be thinking we have abandoned him. I will keep the letter to myself for now and do more reading - as I said to a friend last week. We thought we were beyond this stage, but mental illness never goes away. It is just rearing its ugliness again. Have you read "Walking on Eggshells for parents, and would you recommend it? I started to when this began to evolve a few years ago, and I have it reserved again at my library. Thanks again.

[Pook075]

Your kid got angry and had a splitting episode, thinking mom's a lousy mom.  You've dealt with that before and you'll deal with it again.  But here's the problem.  She's mad at you, blaming you, and you've already sent multiple "nice texts" to make her feel better.  For anyone reading this post, that would probably work...we'd think, no harm no foul. 

Yet for a BPD mind, it could be seen the exact opposite way- you know you're wrong and that's why you're begging for forgiveness when I already do so much for you and put up with so much.

Can you see how that victim mentality changes everything here?

I think the earlier advice still applies, send the letter if you want to send the letter.  But I'd read it a second time with a more critical eye- are you explaining what happened, or defending your actions?  Are you trying to get her to see this from your point of view?  If so, the letter is going to backfire.

When my BPD kid or BPD ex wife explodes on me, I've learned that it's best to excuse myself from the conversation by ending with something like, "I love you and I'm always here for you, but I can't talk about this right now."

I don't blame or defend.  I don't apologize...or if I do, it's for them feeling hurt (not what they're ranting about).  Then I go no-contact until they reach out OR when I have to talk to them about something non-related. 

I will never mention that conversation again though unless there's no way around it, and even then it's going to be about the activity, not me or what happened earlier.

I hope that helps.

[justamomtrying]

Thank you - that too is helpful. sometimes what we know in our heads does not click in our hearts, so it is good to hear it from another source.

[Notwendy]

Letters haven't been been received in the way I wish they would so I don't send them. I think this is in line with the idea- send something only if you can manage whatever response you get. This is not a response I felt I could manage.

This has been one of the difficult aspects of my relationship with my mother- I would reach out to her from a place of good intentions, but since her perception was from Victim perspective- it was received in a different way- as somehow hurting her. Then she reacted with something hurtful, and I felt hurt and confused. It didn't happen like this all the time but it wasn't predictable. If you can keep in mind that this isn't personal to you, (even though it feels that way), it's distorted thinking- it can help.

Counseling has helped. You may wonder why the person who doesn't have the disorder needs counseling- but this situation affects every person in the family and it's for you, a form of self care.

Another help to me was 12 step groups- CODA, (for me, ACA) . Even if there's no drug or alcohol involved, the dynamics in a relationship with someone with BPD are very similar to that of someone with an addiction- so the patterns are similar and that helps.

Books helped too- I read a lot about walking on eggshells and BPD, as well as co-dependency and enabling.

The splitting was a cycle- sometimes BPD mother would decide to "not speak to me" and then come around. This is important- when she came around the unspoken agreement is to not mention what happened. It's gone as far as she is concerned. I think this is a way of avoiding shame. What we may want is closure, an explanation- but trying to bring it up didn't work well.

I hope, your D comes around and when she does, as Pook also said, don't bring up the incident. It's not that she isn't accountable, it's that- it just doesn't do any good to bring it up.

[BPDstinks]

WOW!  This is all such AMAZING information!  Thank you, ALL!  I very much appreciate the "do I want to", (NO!  I do not!  I am terrified at the backlash) but, I want to be a "good mother" (mine is more,so I fear one day pwBPD WILL come "around" and say (as she has in the past") why didn't you try harder (because you told me NOT to!) honestly, it is boiling down to how many times does one reach out before you stop?  Anyway, I appreciate the information!  (I am going to research the Karpman triangle)
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Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[SoVeryConfused]

BPD Stinks, I am right there with you. I don't want to reach out either for fear of the raging. Past history has confirmed that's all the calls are.

I realized too though, like you, I don't want to add fuel to the perception that I don't care about my child - they are looking for information that confirms that.
Or I don't want to close a door that could possibly stay open for the future.
It also adds one more rock to a large pile of rocks of all the things I've done wrong. It's just another grievance - you ignore me, you don't care -  on how I've dropped the ball of being a caring mom. In my kid's eyes.

But... as my therapist said, I've tried the apologies, the reaching out. I just sent the child a gift for Easter with a simple message - and they've asked for the return code, out of spite. Yet, one minute later, asked me to do something out of my way for them, even as they say they don't want to talk to me or see me.

So, should I reach out? Do I want to? Am I capable of reaching out? I think all are no right now. And I'm starting to be more okay with that.

[BPDstinks]

EXACTLY!  2 years ago my pwBPD called me to say she had a flat tire; I offered to help, said, are you ok? "of course I am not ok....etc) than she whispers, so soft I could barely hear her, "why don't you try harder", broke my HEART, I blurted out, "let's just be the way we were, YOU text ONE time a week, saying, I am ok, a thumb emoji, ANYTHING; the next day I received a text "you're constant intervention is not helping my mental state; I will reach out when I am ready"; okkkkk.....I can tell you, EVERY holiday, I am sad, my bday, the first Mother's Day....I JUST told my therapist, I feel guilty for feeling (gasp!) happy and I DO feel happy SOMEtimes....it is just always that feeling of the "other shoe dropping"; the FACT that you care enough to WORRY means you are not a bad mother!  I know I did ALL i could for my kids, was I perfect? of course not, but they were loved feel free to reach out if you like, i could (and DO!) talk about BPD all day!

[Pook075]

And I'm starting to be more okay with that.

As you must.  There is so much in our lives outside of our control.  There's no reason to give a single thought to any of that.  Will it rain tomorrow?  Will I win the lottery someday?  Will my kid be nice to me if I call?

If you can't answer the question, then don't focus on it.  "I don't know," is a perfectly valid answer and it allows you to move onto something else in your life.

Focus only on what you can personally control.  Let go of everything else and wait for it to change on its own.