Trauma induced BPD

[Parents! Get help here!]

I have four daughters with my husband. I was a stay at home Mom, and I felt like I did a great job. I was injured in a propane explosion and was in the hospital for 6 months. One of my daughter's  was injured with me. My other three daughters had to live with relatives until I got back home. It was very traumatic for our entire family. This was in 1993. We took all of our daughters to therapy after our accident. We started noticing one of our daughters having anxiety years later. She seemed to continue to be defiant and argumentative as she got in her teen age years. She was diagnosed with oppositional Defiant disorder, ADHD, depression, anxiety etc. Now 30 plus years later she was diagnosed with BPD. I have been told by  my therapist that it due to my daughter feeling abandoned when I was  in the hospital for 6 months. It was not intentional abandonment, but I have so much guilt that my precious daughter suffered. She has been suicidal and just a complete mess. She has been in and out of mental hospitals, but I feel like she needs to go to a facility that deals specifically in BPD and trauma. If anyone has any input on a great place, I would appreciate it. Caren

[flowerlyrics]

I have four daughters with my husband. I was a stay at home Mom, and I felt like I did a great job. I was injured in a propane explosion and was in the hospital for 6 months. One of my daughter's  was injured with me. My other three daughters had to live with relatives until I got back home. It was very traumatic for our entire family. This was in 1993. We took all of our daughters to therapy after our accident. We started noticing one of our daughters having anxiety years later. She seemed to continue to be defiant and argumentative as she got in her teen age years. She was diagnosed with oppositional Defiant disorder, ADHD, depression, anxiety etc. Now 30 plus years later she was diagnosed with BPD. I have been told by  my therapist that it due to my daughter feeling abandoned when I was  in the hospital for 6 months. It was not intentional abandonment, but I have so much guilt that my precious daughter suffered. She has been suicidal and just a complete mess. She has been in and out of mental hospitals, but I feel like she needs to go to a facility that deals specifically in BPD and trauma. If anyone has any input on a great place, I would appreciate it. Caren

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Sancho]

Oh my goodness Flowerlyrics! I do believe your therapist has been unprofessional in piling all your daughter's distress and conditions on that event.

It was traumatic for everyone in the family. Not all your daughters developed BPD.
It is understandable that PTSD or high anxiety could be linked to this event. BPD is a complex condition that needs several factors to come together - including a genetic predisposition - to develop the condition.

There are many parents here whose children have BPD but they cannot identify any traumatic event in their child's life.

You did NOT abandon your child! You fought to live after an horrendous event so that you would be there for your children in the years to come. 'Abandon' implies a choice - you had no choice over how to get through this shocking event.

Many of us here struggle to cope with blame - mainly because our bpd child is always blaming us for everything - even if they can't find their shoe!

Please just don't take what one person says as the gospel - BPD is very complex, it's cause is complex and coping with a loved child is both complex and demanding. If you read the posts here you will see so many different stories that end up with trying to deal with the symptoms of BPD.

Try to hold yourself in confidence, knowing you are not to blame for any of this. Be kind to yourself - BPD is so difficult you/we need to be strong and believe in ourselves as we develop the skills to cope.

[Pook075]

I have been told by my therapist that it due to my daughter feeling abandoned when I was  in the hospital for 6 months. It was not intentional abandonment, but I have so much guilt that my precious daughter suffered.

Hello and welcome to the family.  My heart breaks for you in that I've had many of the same experiences with my BPD daughter.

First, I wanted to touch on what you shared above.  Please understand that this is not your fault, none of it is.  You had three daughters who processed this tough time and found understanding, while a fourth child still struggles with it.  If you were a terrible mom, you'd have four kids resenting you...not just one.  And i hated to say it that way but hopefully it speaks to you.  You didn't fail and you didn't cause this.

For your BPD daughter, finding a therapist for her is not the answer here.  If you can, sure, make a recommendation.  But your kid is not going to get better until she's personally willing to change something deep down inside of her that's blaming anything and everything for how her life turned out.

She suffers because she's mentally ill, but refuses to accept that the changes she needs must come from within.  That's the battle here, and it's not one you or anyone else can fight.  She has to realize that on her own, in her own time.