Accountability

[Melskee]

Currently navigating some conflict with my adult son, whom I have armchair diagnosed with BPD. He definitely matches many of the criteria.

I am doing well with not accepting his accusations as truth and recognizing they are from his distorted reality when he is triggered or feeling actively threatened with abandonment. However, he can be viscous in his communication, very aggressive, black and white thinking and hurtful. This is a pattern I’m no longer willing to tolerate. (Yes I have been tolerant in the past). I know when he is in this reactive space, he is not capable of accountability for his being hurtful. Once past that, I feel it is important for him to see and accept accountability- or moreover for me to request it - so that I don’t continue to perpetuate the pattern. Currently, he’s not having it and he usually responds to my request with more raging.

Where do I go from here if I am committed to nurturing the relationship and maintaining my boundary at the same time. He is 26 years old and has displayed symptoms of BPD since he was about 16, in and out of various treatments for substances and therapy, but never diagnosed. Thanks for listening!

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[SoVeryConfused]

Hi,
I wanted to let you know I’m in the same boat, and there are some other parents here you give great advice.

I will say that I had a similar conversation with my therapist about an apology or accountability from my child. He said they want authority over me without responsibility for their actions. That is such a clear fact.

Bottom line is my child is not reacting healthy so expecting healthy normal Insight will just leave me frustrated.

I have to work on holding my boundaries but I don’t expect apologies anymore.

[Pook075]

I know when he is in this reactive space, he is not capable of accountability for his being hurtful.

Hello and welcome to the family!  I'm so sorry you're in this position and I walked the same path with my BPD daughter, who's also now 26.  Her symptoms started even earlier than your son.

Let's start at the line I quoted above- that he's not capable of accountability.  That's completely false and it is single-handedly the biggest "BPD excuse" that you'll ever hear.

"It's not my fault, it's my BPD!"

Yet when your son stops at a convenience store to grab his favorite drink, does he abuse the cashier?  Does he explode on neighbors and co-workers, relatives and friends?

No, probably not...at least in the way you experience it.  Most of my relatives refused to believe my daughter was even sick, because they saw a completely different person.

You cannot save your son and you cannot convince him to change or take therapy seriously.  All of that is up to him and him alone, nobody can convince him.  On the other hand, you are responsible for you and you can hold him accountable every single time he speaks to you in an unpleasant manner.

How?  You listen with empathy, you try to help him calm down, and when that doesn't work you walk away or hang up the phone.  If he continues (which he will), you ignore him and put even more distance from the situation.  If he wants to rage, so be it, he can do that with someone else.  You can decide though that you're no longer going to be front and center for his abuse.

Now, this is incredibly difficult and things will get worse before they get better.  That's because BPDs are master manipulators and they lash out when they don't get their way.  That's fine, let him do what he must, and continue to be there for him when he's kind to you. 

But when he's not, you must take a step back and speak about your own mental health, that the conversation is toxic and you need some space from it to think.