>abusive girlfriend

[anxious mum]

help please.my son is in a very toxic relationship with a woman who by her mums admission has BPD with sociopathic tendencies.also narcissistic

she is destroying my son in every way.
i cannot begin to explain how evil she is.She has the law convinced is is a serial domestic abuser.but its so wrong.Im not saying he is an angel.he has his issues with temper- always through drink but this person is just so manipulative,clever etc.
My life has been in ruins trying to protect him.
He comes back for few days then the abuse starts towards him.she uses every possible means to get to him.bombarding him with abuse,nasty,provocating txts trying to get him angry and jealous.if she gets to he ignores that then she moves on to love bombing harassment until he caves in.
then its back to her and cycle stsrts again.
he has no job now none of his school/army friends.just her,her lowlife junkie,drinking ,fighting,unemployed waste of space "friends".
she now has him smoking cocaine,weed and convinced him HE has serious mental health issues.....which he never had until her!!
omg,i just want to die with all the stress.i nearly did last nov and ended up in I.T.U with throat infection.i just want all this constant dramas,stress police involvement etc to go away.just like her.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Pook075]

Hello and welcome to the family.  Wow, my heart breaks for you and I could feel your pain and intense emotions.  It's an impossible place to be stuck in and it might seem that there's not many answers.

Let's start with the most important part- you are responsible for you.  Your son is responsible for himself.  The girlfriend is responsible for herself.  However, you are not responsible for either of them, and they must stand on their own two feet.

Why does this matter?  Your son loves someone that's destructive, and it sounds like it's making him destructive as well.  The violence, the drug use, the endless cycles.  It's terrible and it's heartbreaking.  At the same time though, those things have absolutely nothing to do with you.

I know you love your son immensely, and i know you want to "save him" from what he's going through.  But he's a grown man and makes his own decisions.  If he wants to be with that woman, so be it, but you have to detach yourself from that relationship. 

What he does and what you feel are not the same thing- he's responsible for himself.  You're powerless to change that.

If he continues with drug use and the abusive relationship, maybe it's time to tell him that he's not welcome at home anymore, that you won't swoop in to save him.  I know that sounds harsh, but his decisions are destroying your life and forcing you to carry burdens that aren't yours.

The girlfriend, there's no need to even talk about her.  She has mental illness and will continue to be unstable until she chooses to get help.  Again, she's responsible for herself and nobody can convince her to get better.  It has to come from her, just like the changes for your son has to come from him as well.  They both get to choose and none of that has anything to do with you.

I understand, his choices are devastating you.  But you must let him stand in those choices alone, and let him deal with the consequences.  You must distance yourself from these toxic cycles and stop getting caught in the middle of it all. 

Maybe your son has mental illness, maybe not.  But he's making these choices and you are powerless to stop him.  So stop fighting it, stop trying to carry his burdens and poor choices.  That's the only way he's going to see the toxic patterns for himself, and actually take steps to change them.

What you can do is be encouraging...without being in the center of it all.  Tell him you love him, tell him you support him.  But refuse to be in these cycles any longer.  He needs counseling at a minimum, and possibly even drug rehab.  Those are decisions for him though, you can only suggest them and accept that he'll decide to do whatever he wants to do.

Hopefully you can find some wisdom in that- these are not your burdens and you must stop trying to carry them.  My heart breaks for you.