Compulsive Spending

[Sammy Jo]

Hi,

My BPD DD is 22, and her obsessive compulsion is spending. We have coached, counseled, begged, and pleaded with her. Since she was a little girl, this has been the same. She has never been able to keep a dollar in her wallet. Sometimes I try to talk her out of driving 2.5 hours to go to a root beer restaurant - true story. I worry about her future. We are 57 and 60, and not going to be around forever. She is working at fast food restaurants and making a pittance now and cannot afford to pay for everything she needs, i.e., high car insurance due to a terrible driving record. We wrote up a budget for her, and she still calls me daily with questions regarding buying things. She just called me on speakerphone in Walmart about buying something that I said no to -- I did not know that I was on speakerphone, and a random stranger gave her $10 for it after I said no. We help her with little things that are outside her paychecks, but of course, she takes every advantage she can. Any advice?

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Pook075]

Yup, stop paying for her car insurance.  Stop sending her extra spending money.  Calling you on speakerphone is maybe okay though if strangers are giving her $10.

I went through the same thing with my 26 year old BPD daughter, and I didn't think I'd ever stop paying for her cell phone, car insurance, etc.  Like your kid, mine had lots of accidents and tickets...and I was paying the price for that. 

So I lied to her and said that since she didn't live at home anymore, my car insurance company was removing her from the policy (the truth was that I asked my insurance agent at Geico the question, already knowing they'd cancel her car policy).  My kid freaked out, but within a few hours she purchased car insurance on her own. 

How?  I have no idea, because like your kid she never had any money.  But that's not the point here; when she had to do it or stop driving, she found a way on her own.  And that forced her to start budgeting for her bills.

You see, you're doing this backwards- you want her to be responsible, then you'll stop helping her.  But she'll never be responsible because you're helping her.  Maybe she needs a higher paying job, or maybe she needs to budget better.  But why would she do either of those things when you're always making sure she has everything she needs?

I hope that helps!