Two steps forward…ten steps back

[Josie C]

It’s been a few months since my last post, with the usual roller coaster of emotions for my DDw/BPD(30).  For the most part we have managed.  After being fired last May from a job she loved and becoming suicidal, she started with a new therapist in August who uses a dbt-informed approach.  Started doing food delivery (very) part-time.  We pay her rent and utilities, she mostly covers all other expenses. 

We have the usual BPD drama, but it has lessened over the last six months.  It was nice to have a reprieve from the intense emotions, especially the anger and blaming. Oh, we still have telephone calls where she is awful and hurtful, and angry/ugly texts. And holidays are no picnic. I’ve worked on my dbt skills, my husband and I just completed Family Connections, I’ve been doing more reading about the illness and trying to get better at validation. I’m getting better at not taking things personally and understanding that much of her anger and blaming is the way she deals with feeling shame.  I wasn’t kidding myself into thinking things were peachy, but I sure had hope that we could keep learning and growing together.

That’s why this week has destroyed me. A few days ago, she called in distress. She wasn’t feeling well, was having a rough night of work, and her emotions (anger) got the better of her.  She called to tell me about some mischief she had just gotten into and she was horribly upset and worried about it. (It was mean, perhaps even illegal.) I validated her feelings—I really did understand why she was so very angry and why she did what she did, it made complete sense in her situation. She wanted me to tell her that she was in the right.  I couldn’t do that.  Again, I told her that what she was feeling made sense.  That wasn’t enough for her.  She hung up on me, called back to talk to her dad.  It took him a long while, but he stayed on the phone until she was calm. 

The next day, we spoke and she gave me an earful.  Said that I was putting my values ahead of her.  Demanded that I admit that my ‘moral compass’ was more important than her.  Blamed me for ‘giving her’ mental illness. And on and on.  My attempts at validation were falling flat and I was so beaten down I found myself in JADE territory.  Darn, why didn’t I hang up???

She finished by saying she loves me and would rather hate herself than hate me.  But she decided this isn’t good for her mental health, so she is cutting me off.  She said she  ‘no longer has a mother.’   Removed herself from a family group chat with her three brothers.  Refused to answer my call the next day.  I texted that I know she is angry and hurt and I’m giving her space.

We’ve been on this roller coaster for 10+ years and she has never done this.  I feel awful.  To have your beloved child tell you that she would rather hate herself than you—gut-wrenching.  I know I could have managed it better, not let it escalate, been more effective. I’m tied up in knots about it all.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[CC43]

Josie, sorry about the latest developments. It seems to me that your daughter feels deep shame, and that the intensity of her reaction reflects the seriousness of what she did. In fact, she could be upset because she broke a streak of better behavior/choices too. She could be pushing you away to avoid your judgment, and to punish you while also punishing herself. My BPD stepdaughter did this many, many times. I’d say, don’t worry too much, because she depends on you and will be back when she needs something.

[Pook075]

For what it's worth, my 26 year old BPD daughter has been on the same path- lots of progress the past few years, but still the occasional explosive episodes as well. 

I remember about a year ago, things got super ugly when her relationship fell apart.  She kept saying, "I threw away two years of hard work and self-help with that meltdown."  But I told her that a bad day does not equal wasting any previous effort; she still has those skills, knowledge, and life experience.

The last time I was really cussed out was two Christmas's ago.  My kid did something incredibly dumb and it was a path that would lead to her being arrested.  I told her to abort mission, but she was obsessed and couldn't hear me.  Instead, she labeled me as the enemy and it was scorched Earth for a couple of weeks.

Her plans completely fell through though, she didn't get what she wanted, and was left heartbroken.  Guess who she called?

Remember that BPD's will often say the most hurtful thing possible when they're dysregulated.  Being a parent means letting that go, and understanding that there will be times when we're going to have to love them from a distance.  We all have to accept that and avoid fighting against these narratives.

Why?  Your daughter asked you for advice, you provided it, and got painted black.  In her mind while dysregulated, it was justified.  But instead of letting it be, you called the next day and tried to fix things...which told her dysregulated mind that mom was definitely wrong and now she's trying to manipulate her way back into my life.

You can't win that fight, and it's not about you anyway, so choose to disengage and let her carve her own path.

There's another option here as well.  Stop paying her rent and utilities.  From her point of view, if you're toxic and need to be cut out of her life, so be it.  Don't reward her for bad behavior though; let her figure things out on her own if that's what she wants.  Make her decide how to live in this world and how much/how little she needs her mom.

It's so incredibly important- if you want mom's help, then you'll treat mom with respect.  It's the least she can do.