I'm new here and we don't have a diagnosis.

[GigiMomma]

Hello all! I'm new and I'm here because I suspect my 35 yr old daughter may be borderline.

I'm not sure whether I should just go ahead and tell our story or what. Not sure where to begin.

My daughter is someone who is attractive to almost everybody. Men fall head over heels. At least a couple of her boyfriends have called me, crying and pleading with me to intervene on their behalf, when she's broken up with them. But it's not just men. Women go for her, and so do gay men. In fact, one of her best friends is a trans man.  He used to identify as a lesbian, but now is a man in love with my daughter. 
We laugh about this all the time.

As a child she was charming and friendly, other children flocked around her. Her friends' mothers would say they hoped their child is as good with me as my daughter is when she visits them. So there's that. But ...then there is another side to her and starting at about 15 months of age she started having tantrums. I clearly remember her first tantrum which was triggered because I wouldn't allow her to go out into the street. She kept putting her foot over the curb. Then finally my mother in law  thought putting her into the bathtub would calm her, but the last thing she wanted was to be wet!

I'm doing this on my phone so please bear with me. It's hard to be sure if I'm making typos or anything.

Her tantrums were always long and loud and only stopped when she was ready to stop. No matter how we tried to pull her out of it. But she was a really good kid, not sweet and mushy or timid, but very spicy and fun. She was a funny little thing. Several people said to me about her how she seemed so confident. Her friends were all crazy about her.

These tantrums were not triggered by any particular type of thing. I can't really remember what triggered any of these episodes. And it wasn't every day. But here's what seemed somehow not normal to me, and my mother would say all the time Something isn't right, this isn't normal, but she hated it if we tried going out to say a movie, with my husband's parents staying with the kids. I also have a son who is three years older than his sister. She would seem terrified and would follow us to the car crying and then would hold onto the car as my MIL would try to pry her away! It was the fear in her eyes and the tantrum didn't fit the situation.

This seems kinda long. I have more to tell.  My sister has suspected BPD in my daughter, too.  Then I see how great she is and I'm sure she wasn't abused in any way at that young age. She swears now that there was never any trauma, at least not that she remembers. And so I would say to myself, this isn't BPD. But I always come back around to it.

Nutshell: 35 years old and single (meaning not married) but no lack of boyfriends who usually end up not being boyfriend anymore, and replaced with a new one almost like the next day! She has two children, twins, a boy and a girl. They're almost 12 years old now! She works full time somehow, with two children and no help at all from their dad.  She has substance abuse/addiction issues, specifically alcohol and she is not a fun drunk! Nope. She turns into a really angry bitch! She's gotten into trouble with meth and almost lost her children. I was a wreck during that time, she was arrested and hauled away because the police were watching as she had become the victim of a drug scheme where a couple befriended her and then basically in exchange for as much meth as she wanted they would stay in her apartment, and would drive her car and sold drugs out in the parking lot. She was targeted because she was alone with children, a place and a car. Her children were three. That story is over, but now she's a drinker. 

Breakups are so hard on her. She's just recently had a breakup after about two years, but as always, the next bf was waiting in the wings. The brother of the last guy! The breakup before this one was really terrible. The drinking was out of control and I was so afraid. She tries to quit drinking and goes to AA meetings with my brother who is one of the top dogs in AA. She stays sober for a while, but always starts up again at some point. She forms very strong bonds with her girl friends and has many. Sometimes there is trouble and she screams at them, saying they're bad! One of her boyfriends came to me and told me about how angry she was with him because he had to put their date off because he had to work, and he was in shock because they were barely a couple yet, and usually you sort of want to be pleasant and fun with a new relationship, not confrontational, not scare them away. They were together for probably three years when he went back to the woman who was mother of his two children! All hell broke loose!!

Recently she's been having turmoil within. She says it's like there's this black thing in her but so often she just feels empty. My heart is broken for her, but my heart has already taken a beating because my son was diagnosed in 2013 with paranoid schizophrenia! The sweetest, best child and now 38, still sweet and loving mostly but if any of you are familiar with Sz you understand. He can be volatile and unpredictable. He stays on his medications but sometimes tries to go off because, well, these drugs can be so debilitating while at the same time life saving. So I've pretty much been a sad mom and I do enjoy my grandchildren, who are my little sun and moon. I could go on but will stop for now. Does this sound like BPD?

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[SoVeryConfused]

Hi,
I wanted to say hi and let you know you are in good company here. Many moms and dads who are sad and have been pulled into the tornado of the kids’ lives. I’m sorry for the stress you are under.it sounds like you’ve endured a lot.

Your daughter certainly exhibits BPD traits, so you’ll find good counsel here. Lots of similar stories and helpful advice. Hang in there.

[CC43]

Hi there,

Many things you describe sound like BPD to me.  First and foremost, you describe intense and volatile relationships and the super-sized fear of abandonment, which are hallmarks of BPD.  Lashing out in anger is characteristic too, especially if it seems disproportionate or unwarranted compared with the situation.  The feeling of blackness and emptiness within her also rings a bell, as does the characterization of angry "B".  BPD often comes with co-morbidities, like self-medication with illicit substances, addictions, anxiety and/or depression.  It may be that your daughter is very high-functioning, because the emotional volatility and immaturity associated with BPD can make it very hard to keep employment or manage a household like your daughter seems to be doing.

But I'd say that if there are serious addictions involved, addiction could literally make somebody crazy.  All I'm saying is that alcoholism or drug addiction could explain her erratic behavior, too.

Someone doesn't have to have a traumatic childhood to develop BPD.  It could be that she's just wired to be extremely sensitive, which might also underlie her charm and charisma, and her deep connections with others.  But she might be easily overwhelmed by stress and situations, and if she has BPD, her emotions can completely take over her, impeding logical thought.  Does she seem impulsive?  That could be because she just can't handle her intense emotions, and she'll do something impulsive (including lashing out) to release them, or to try to get the pain to stop.  Does that sound about right?

Anyway, even if your daughter doesn't have BPD, on this site you can find valuable tips and techniques to handle complicated relationships.  Establishing boundaries for your own well-being, validating feelings and avoiding JADE are examples.  Prioritizing self-care is another.  One basic tactic that has worked for me is the concept of an "adult time out."  If an encounter is getting too heated or an argument is going in circles, or if a loved one is having an "adult tantrum," I find that the best thing to do is usually to step away and disengage.  Give the other person (and yourself) time and space to cool off, without casting any blame in the process.  A simple statement like, "I've got to run," can work just fine.  Maybe I'll throw in a little excuse, like "I've got to use the bathroom / move the laundry / answer the door" to disengage.  More often than not, the excuse is actually valid!