BPD D has completely cut us off

[So_not_cool]

Our eldest D has BPD although she denies it. She recently got mad at our whole family for reasons unknown to us. We are hurt,confused, and really sad. Now my sister, her aunt, has cancer and I could really use her support but she won’t respond to texts, calls, or emails. Her father and I are so upset and I think it would help if I just knew what she was upset about or even just told that she needs space. But this complete freeze without a known issue is really upsetting. This was my first Mother’s Day without contact and not gonna lie, it sucked.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Pook075]

Our eldest D has BPD although she denies it. She recently got mad at our whole family for reasons unknown to us. We are hurt,confused, and really sad. Now my sister, her aunt, has cancer and I could really use her support but she won’t respond to texts, calls, or emails. Her father and I are so upset and I think it would help if I just knew what she was upset about or even just told that she needs space. But this complete freeze without a known issue is really upsetting. This was my first Mother’s Day without contact and not gonna lie, it sucked.

Hello and welcome to the family- I'm so sorry your Mother's Day didn't go as planned.

I'm on the outside looking in so I can't offer much direct advice, but I can say that my BPD daughter takes serious illness really poorly.  She won't call, won't visit, and won't participate in any direct dialogues around it. 

The reason is because it devastates her inside and she takes it so incredibly personal, like the person is dying as a personal punishment from God.  And of course that's not true, but that's where a BPD mind can go when reality gets tough.  It feels like it's about them and they try to deal with it in silence.

Tell us a little more about your relationship with your daughter- were things going well before this?  How old is she? (my BPD daughter is 26)

[CC43]

Hi there,

I suspect that when a young person with BPD gets mad at the entire family for no apparent reason, what might be going on is that she's embarrassed or ashamed about something she did, she feels she can't face anybody, and to cope, her brain concocts a victim narrative, like, "My family has always been abusive towards me, my family is toxic, they ruined my life, I'm cutting them out."  However, in reality, something else happened.  Maybe she broke up with a love interest or bestie.  Maybe she got fired from her job.  Maybe she got evicted.  Maybe she failed out of school.  Rather than deal with these temporary setbacks, she feels like an abject failure, and to cope, she blames her family for all her problems.  As a victim of abuse (supposedly since childhood), how could she possibly keep a relationship, job or apartment?  It's easier to blame others.  And her "punishment" for you is estrangement.  She likely thinks she's hurting you by ignoring you.  Ironically, she probably needs you more than ever.

I also think it's fairly typical for a pwBPD to have a negative reaction whenever others are the center of attention, such as during a holiday or when somebody is sick.  It's as if they feel slighted by not being the in the center.  If your attention is diverted away from her, even temporarily, she might lash out or cut you off.  We know that abandonment issues are significant for pwBPD, and a sickness or death in the family might trigger those fears.  If you feel you need support from your daughter, that's a valid feeling, but in her mind, you're the mother, and you're the one who is supposed to support her, and not the other way around.  The BPD relationship tends to be very one-sided that way.

[So_not_cool]

Thank you CC43 for responding. I suspect you may be right. She did drop out of her Master’s program to get a full time job and I think it doesn’t pay very well and I think she and her boyfriend (whom she lives with 500 miles away) are struggling to make ends meet. Although I don’t know this for sure, she hasn’t even told us about her job we found out from her grandmother on my husband’s side who has very minimal contact with her.
She did leave a very nice loving voicemail for both my sister and my mom when my MIL told her about my sister’s cancer. But she still has not spoken to us.
I know I have no right to want her support and I regretted writing it as soon as I pressed send but honestly even more than support it has made me realize how precious life and relationships are and I miss her.

[So_not_cool]

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Tell us a little more about your relationship with your daughter- were things going well before this?  How old is she? (my BPD daughter is 26)

Thank you Pook075 for the warm welcome. To answer your questions my BPD daughter is also 26 and we’ve had a pretty good relationship but I have noticed that when she is in a romantic relationship her family suffers. She looses all interest in us. Her current relationship is 3 years and they moved in together last June and since then she is getting further and further from us. I also realize this is a symptom of BPD.