Adult daughter probable BPD

[Deko]

I am happy to have found this group. So many of you have said things that are similar to my situation. My 35-year-old daughter who was married about six months ago, has since pulled away from me and become distant, rude, and very overreactive about minor issues. She was always very difficult to handle as a child and was diagnosed with ADHD. She also had some sensory processing deficits where lights, noisy rooms, and even words would set her off uncontrollably. As she got older she became verbally abusive, however, would show remorse and apologize. Since she’s gotten married, everything has escalated to where  I walk on eggshells to avoid setting her off. She has a tendency to have one person in her life who she focuses on and the other others she demonizes for minor infractions. Her moods are volatile, and she screams and yells uncontrollably at other drivers and doesn’t let up. She has now turned against me, which is heartbreaking. I’ve been talking to a counselor who brought up the possibility of her actually having BPD. What has complicated  it is that her new husband is trying and has been effective in coming between us. He has issues of his own regarding anxiety, depression, and a suicide attempt. He is also financially dependent on his wealthy parents at the age of 35. He’s just never grown up. He has always seemed threatened by my daughters and my close relationship and from the very beginning has done things to undermine it.It seems like he has succeeded, and my daughter is now cold, distant and disrespectful toward me on a regular basis. I don’t see the situation changing because of his influence. I don’t think my daughter has a strength to go against him.  I have told her that the disrespect, etc, is unacceptable and I have backed away and told her why.  In my gut I think our relationship is headed for estrangement. Being honest, over all these years she has worn me down and though I feel sad about it, I have had enough and just want peace.  

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Pook075]

Hello and welcome to the family- I'm so sorry you're in this position.  I've found myself there several times with my BPD daughter as well.

You mentioned pulling away and stating that the disrespect is unacceptable...bravo!  That's teaching that actions have consequences in life and you don't want that sort of relationship anymore.  Good for you, that's a smart boundary. 

And you're right, maybe she does withdraw for awhile, which will pull the chaos out of your life.  Take that time to heal yourself.  Your daughter will reach out again though and you will have a fresh start one of these days, so you're doing everything right and making smart choices.  It just stinks because you need to bear through it.

If your daughter does have BPD (it sounds possible), then her new favorite person won't last forever.  I hate saying it that way, and it doesn't mean divorce, but she will change her viewpoints on his control and come to resent it over time.  That's also about the time she'll reach back out to dad.

One last thing- if she does reach out, it's not your job to "defend" yourself from the husband.  That's putting you in the middle of their conflicts, and it's not a place that's going to help you in any way.  Let him say whatever he wants, and you just focus on being you.

I hope that helps!