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Author Topic: Please Help. Don't know what to do.  (Read 378 times)
lajb000
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 2


« on: February 10, 2017, 02:22:51 PM »

I feel so lost and conflicted. I’ve been dating my boyfriend for about a year. He’s an amazing person with a lot of good qualities; qualities that I have always looked for in a relationship. We’ve been battling back and forth some time now.

When we first started I thought that his insecurities were just from the hurt he had from past relationships. He told me he had been cheated on several times by different women. At that time being unaware of what BPD was I put myself in his shoes and empathized with him. I kept trying to prove to him that I was different and wasn’t going to do what others had done to him.

After months of constantly trying to prove myself and battling, I started to step back and look at the bigger picture. I remembered him telling me in passing once that he thought he was bipolar, so I did extensive reading online and looked up things that he told me felt. What has always stuck out to me was that he constantly told he has a fear of being abandoned. I started to look more into all red flags I was getting. I put them all together and realized he has BPD. From the DSM he meets 8 out of the 9 criteria. He’s had several suicide attempts while being with me, severe depression and anxiety. I pushed for him to seek therapy and he finally did. He went to a psychiatrist and they diagnosed him with major depression disorder and generalized anxiety disorder. I know i’m not a doctor but I feel like they just didn’t catch the BPD and misdiagnosed it.

After getting on medication for depression things got a lot better between us. I finally started to see the light at the end of the tunnel. The happy stable person I know he can be only lasted for about a month. Now we are right back where we started. He keeps telling me that I don’t care about him and all this stuff. I know that this is a BPD trait but I’m genuinely exhausted. I love him deeply but I don’t see this getting any better especially since he isn’t aware about BPD. I’ve educated myself on the disorder and have really tried to make things work between us. When he’s upset he always lashes out at me and tries to end the relationship. This last time happened about a week ago and I don’t think I can continue in this cycle. I feel extremely affected by it all and have started to feel like I’ve become this co-dependent person in the relationship. He’s aware that he has a problem and wants to seek help for it but he’s only just scratching the surface.

 I’ve read success stories in people with BPD and how it is possible for them to overcome it but the only way for that to happen is if they are getting treated specifically for BPD and are going to someone who specializes in it. Right now we’re at a crossroad in the relationship. We’ve been on this “break” for a week because I don’t know what to do. He apologizes for his behavior and lashing out. Even though I know that he doesn’t mean the stuff he says I still can’t bring myself to just ignore it and continue to enable the behavior. He wants me to act like if it didn’t happen a go back to being in a  “happy” relationship.  I’ve tried to explain how hurt I am and that I can’t just move past it, I’ve done it too many times and I can’t anymore. He then continues to throw it my face that I don’t care about him and all I can do is look at the negative stuff. I’m really at a loss.  He make me feel crazy. Even though I know the best thing to do for me is to think about me and end the relationship. It makes me feel crazy because I don’t understand how after everything I still want to be with him.

If anyone who has experienced something similar I would love to hear some feedback. I seriously do not know what to do anymore. I don’t want to lose someone I know could be good for me but I don’t know if it ever will.
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schwing
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Gender: Male
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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Parent
Relationship status: married to a non
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« Reply #1 on: February 10, 2017, 03:37:52 PM »

Hi lajb000 and Welcome

He’s an amazing person with a lot of good qualities; qualities that I have always looked for in a relationship. We’ve been battling back and forth some time now.

If your boyfriend suffers from borderline personality disorder, you should consider that the qualities he exhibits as your boyfriend are only qualities he mirrored in order to solidify your attachment to him. 

My own exBPDgf once described herself to me as a "chameleon" which I did see/understand until I realized (much later) that she changed her personality depending upon to whom she attached herself.  To me, she was always (or mostly) the woman I fell in love with; but I later saw that she could be very different with other people. This is an aspect of the "identity disturbances" described in the diagnostic criteria. There is a reason why people with BPD (pwBPD) are often compared to sirens (of the Greek mythology ilk).


When we first started I thought that his insecurities were just from the hurt he had from past relationships. He told me he had been cheated on several times by different women. At that time being unaware of what BPD was I put myself in his shoes and empathized with him. I kept trying to prove to him that I was different and wasn’t going to do what others had done to him.

In my observation, pwBPD will perceive *imagined* abandonment even when this is not the intention of their loved ones.  Your experience with him could be no different from the experience all these different women went through.  It is his disorder which causes him to perceive the threat of abandonment even when it does not exist. And no matter how hard you try, you cannot convince him to no longer be disordered.

I pushed for him to seek therapy and he finally did. He went to a psychiatrist and they diagnosed him with major depression disorder and generalized anxiety disorder. I know i’m not a doctor but I feel like they just didn’t catch the BPD and misdiagnosed it.

Why professionals are reluctant to make a BPD diagnosis is a big debate/discourse.  Insurance companies are reluctant to cover mental illness that have poor or questionable outcomes. Many professionals find the disorder difficult to understand and/or treat. The very people who may be suffering from this disorder may be the most resistant to accepting the diagnosis -- so not giving pwBPD the diagnosis right off the bat is a strategy to help pwBPD continue seek help until (hopefully) they are ready to possibility accept this diagnosis.

The other main difficulty with this disorder is that most of the issues are only manifest in intimate/familial relationships.  So someone with BPD can be perfectly functional in all other aspects of society - they can be productive and participate... .except when it comes to close interpersonal relationships.

This last time happened about a week ago and I don’t think I can continue in this cycle. I feel extremely affected by it all and have started to feel like I’ve become this co-dependent person in the relationship. He’s aware that he has a problem and wants to seek help for it but he’s only just scratching the surface.

In many ways it is up to him to decide how much he is or is not willing to accept about his condition.  And it is up to you to decide how much you can or cannot take in this relationship. You are not responsible for his mental health.  You are responsible for your own.

I’ve read success stories in people with BPD and how it is possible for them to overcome it but the only way for that to happen is if they are getting treated specifically for BPD and are going to someone who specializes in it.

But also, treatment can help only if the pwBPD seeks this therapy for themselves.  Too often pwBPD enter treatment only in order to stay in their relationship, and when the therapy pushes them too hard, they might just choose to find a new relationship and repeat their cycle.

I hope some of this helps.

Best wishes,

Schwing
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peacemountain

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 48


« Reply #2 on: February 10, 2017, 04:17:26 PM »

Welcome lagb!

I'm sorry that you are going through this, but I'm glad you're here.

You mentioned first thinking his insecurities were due to previous relationship. This is what I had thought with H when I first started dating him as well. I see now they were red flags in disguise.

Also, schwing brings up a good point about mirroring. My H and I "clicked" extremely well at the beginning. It was almost surreal. Like we were made for each other. I now realize much of this was his adaptable identity. This is part of what creates such a strong connection.

I will say something that I have come to terms with recently is that it will always be a cycle. Some days are great and he apologizes and wants to have a better life. Some days are downright painful. Unless there is therapy and recovery, I will always be apart of this rollercoaster. I'm working on things (setting limits, validation, etc) to help alleviate the stress of that on me, on my wellbeing and children, but it is by no means easy and some days I just want it all to be over. It hurts too much and I don't have the strength to continue.

There are a LOT of good resources here. I'd also recommend the book Stop walking on eggshells. This forum and all the resources have given me a better perspective for sure! Let us know how we can help. Listen to your gut and make sure you're taking care of YOU, especially since you're starting to feel the effects. This disorder can be very destructive for nons too.
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RiseAbove

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 21


« Reply #3 on: February 10, 2017, 10:31:40 PM »

He make me feel crazy. Even though I know the best thing to do for me is to think about me and end the relationship. It makes me feel crazy because I don’t understand how after everything I still want to be with him.

If anyone who has experienced something similar I would love to hear some feedback. I seriously do not know what to do anymore. I don’t want to lose someone I know could be good for me but I don’t know if it ever will.

I tried to be the knight in shining armor for my uxBPD for 17yrs and I can tell you that if I had known what I was signing up for then, I wouldn't have done it. I am NOT saying you need to run away, but I will say that you should listen to your brain and your heart equally. There is also the common wisdom often ignored that says "you can't change a person that doesn't want to be changed" and I think that is 100% true.

Since my divorce 5 yrs ago I have spent a lot of time trying to heal. I've also come to understand that for me and relationships, a bad deal is by far worse than no deal. Even if you are alone and missing being in a romantic relationship, and you feel like you'll never find the right person I think that is still better than being in a high conflict relationship where you literally are walking on eggshells all the time. Now, if you are willing to sign up for that, and you believe your love and compassion is capable of dealing with that type of relationship, then that would be something you are actively choosing. On the other hand, and it sounds like as you've described it you are not seeing that as something you want, I think you have to look at the reality which is: this person is likely not going to change. If that is the case, and this is who they are, are you signing up for a long-term commitment?
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