I think my Ex has BPD and bipolar. I’m suffering so badly right now. advice

[Surfer77]

Hi there.  I am currently in hell and I hope you can help. I was with a woman thinking BOD and bipolar. It started amazing. Best relationship I’ve ever had.  She wanted to my GF on the first date.  Then she started lovebombing me. All day everyday. Nobody has ever treated her this well, I’m the one, she ants to have baby with me.  She wants to marry me.  The sex was off the charts insane.  Best I’ve ever had.  She wakes up at 330 for the day and is manic all day.  I have never seen energy like this.  She absolutely drained the life out of me.  I started to get horrible morning anxiety with dry heaving.  Things stayed great for about a month and then she announced she wasn’t sure about us, triggering my fears of loss.  Then she blamed that on food. And ate and was fine.  We had great dates and she moved heaven and earth to we me even with three kids all while texting and calling me all day everyday for 45 days straight from work or wherever she was.
Things started to get bad all of a sudden a few weeks ago.  We  :help:started costly fighting and I saw her anger come out at stragglers a few times.  I told her not to act like that as she might get shot by the wrong person.  She was so pissed off by strangers actions.  I thought it was so weird.  She constantly told me about her exes and how awful they all were and how the last one was BPD.  I think she might have been trying to tell me she was.  Her little freak out about us made me so nervous I vomited after Easter lunch.  I was afraid she might up and leave at anytime.  Everything loved way tooo fast.  I was lonely so I allowed it, but I keto thinking what’s the catch. I kind of enjoyed this constant connection with somebody even though it was driving the hell out of me and Mom said I looked exhausted and like my soul was gone.  So we continued to see each other and then I met the kids at like a month by accident.  They came home early. All went very well. After that though, the arguing really intensified.  She would jump on me about every little thing and turn it into a HUGE deal.  I told her I needed an owners manual to date her.  She had a list of like ten things I wasn’t allowed to ever do.  She called me a boundary pusher, which I am not and started to systematically tear me down.  The sex continued and was always amazing.  We were trusting to have a baby.  So that’s always fun sex.  Anyway, I go so caught up in her fantasy, I forgot about myself.  I left my dogs home for long hours. I stopped taking care of my own life and self and everything was dedicated to making her happy.  I didn’t mind.  She worked a ton and had three kids.  I like to help.  She was always talking about herself, her kids, and her job. Didn’t ask much about me or really seem to care about me or my history.  Very superfically.  We have a terrible Seigels t that lasted 4 hours over the tiniest thing and I had to come Joe. And sleep for a day to recover as I had a migraine.  She said I attacked her core values or something.  Which I didn’t.  I couldn’t do anything right.  All that lovebombing counties though all of this.  She never stopped that.  Fast forward to last weekend.  I went to her church and I didn’t like it and she said I made her heart race with anxiety.  All I did was sit there with my mouth shut. A few times she looked at me during fights and her eyes looked black. It eas scary.  So I was supposed to go to a Mother’s Day lunch and I woke up not wanting to go.  She had d word me sex the night before and done her passing out of exhaustion routine at 830pm.  If you dared wake her you would be screamed at.  I called the next am angry.  She said the daughter newbie Smurf sex and I can’t do that in front of kids and then ripped me for how inconvertible I made her in church and I said I need a break.  She said me too.  I said fine.  I said something like please leave me alone to rest.  She said for a break? I said yeah, but maybe we should just break up.  Then I called her and said I’m just miserable as we seem to hate each other.  I think we should break up after telling her I would never leave her.  She said she need to preserve herself can you stand it?  I’m the one puking and contender I had to get a massage.  I said I think you are mentally ill.  She said PLEASE READ YOU and then hung up and blocked me out of existence.

It was hard and really awful.  All the lovebombing I was so used too immediately stopped and our big plans of marriage and a baby were gone like that.  I know it’s crazy at 45 days.  I’m not perfect either and I’m not sure what I was thinking.  I really loved her and she was beautiful and a beautiful dresser and amazing in bed.  What not to love?  The darker side of the personality she hadn’t shown me yet.  We couldn’t go five minutes without her crying about something or getting to a fight with me.  She had stopped wrong her therapist and working out and that’s when the crazy started.  I have never been through something like this.  She loved my Mom and wrote her a beautiful Mother’s Day card saying how she raised such a great son and I was so god to her.  She had some of my belongings so I had to have my Mom text her to get them back.  She was cold and rude to my Mother and instead of returning my stuff she bought me a new item on Amazon to replace it.  She did send me back some pills I had left there from when I slept over.  So overnight I lost what I thought was the love of  : :help:help:my life and a marriage all the looking at rings and a possible baby.  And I haven’t heard a word since last Sunday?  The mania looked like bipolar to me.  And I’m wondering the other behavior of tearing me down after thinking I was a God and talking to me all day is BPD?  Idk what the hell happened to me . I feel like I have  totally lost myself and my soul.  The phone being quiet was like opiate withdrawal. Can anyone here tell me what the hell  happened to me?  Will she ever try to contact me again?  I don’t rant to see her ever again.  I am here in bed in pieces.  I would love some advice on what to do and how to love forward and what I was dealing with?  I know I’m not crazy.  I have OCD.  I have my own mental issue and won that and all my flaws.  I really need some support right now.  The pain I unbearable and I have exhausted my family and friends.  Please advise.  What the hell donindo now?  I’m working on my neon life and trying to get my PLEASE READ together? Did she discard me after I dumped her? How can she go from 100-0 in 5 seconds?  

[Surfer77]

Please somebody help me.

[SinisterComplex]

Please somebody help me.

Hello and welcome my friend. 

First things first...take it easy. Others will chime in. We all chip in when we have time.

I understand that what you may be feeling right now is completely overwhelming...trust me we do get it here.

You are going 1000 MPH right now so slow the hell down. Attempt to stem the tide and take things as they come. You have a lot of questions and you have a huge weight of emotions right now that are making all your thoughts jumbled right now.

The most important thing to do right now is to focus on yourself and less on the relationship and her.

Also, maybe I missed it but has there been an official diagnosis? If not try to refrain jumping to the conclusion that BPD or Bipolar is involved.

I will check back in a bit later, but please in the meantime please be kind to you and please take care of yourself.

Cheers and Best Wishes!

-SC-

[Surfer77]

Thanks for you reply.  I dated a woman for 8 years with BPD.  I’m very familiar with it.  75 phone calla day and 100 plus texts is lovebombing. I’m pretty sure what I’m dealing with.  Then she devalued me and we fought all the time and then she blocked me.  It’s definitely bipolar even re the manic behavior.  Even she admits that and wants no help. 

[ForeverDad]

BPD does exist on a spectrum, sort of from mild to severe.  Plus there is a list of typical behaviors, though not all traits are exhibited and not to the same extent by every person.  So it is to be expected that two different people can express different behaviors and patterns.

Another factor is that Bipolar is largely a chemical imbalance which may be able to be managed with medications, whereas BPD is a behavioral disorder most impacting close relationships.  While meds may moderate the BPD poor behavior, long term therapy is viewed as the more important aspect of addressing the issues.  Cognitive or Dialectical Behavioral Therapy (CBT or DBT) has had success but does face Denial and Blame Shifting resistance.

Yes, a person can be co-morbid with more than one PD.

[Surfer77]

Thank you for your response.  Would you say I’m dealing with a BPD here?  Or was.  She cut me off five days ago.  Gutting me.

[once removed]

we cant tell you whether she has bpd or not. theres a lot of good stuff here, in the top left corner of your screen, under "Diagnosis + Treatment" to dig into. this is a good place to start: https://bpdfamily.com/content/what-borderline-personality-disorder

the shorter, more precise answer, is that youre emerging from an emotionally intense, and dysfunctional relationship. and youre in a good place to heal from it.

i remember making my first post here, and how it felt just to feel heard, and seen, after what id been going through.

Please advise. What the hell do i do now?

if it were me, i think i would very much want to keep talking. youre feeling gutted; if you could choose, whats the first, most urgent thing on your mind?

[Surfer77]

I guess I’ve realized through what though, that I am so lucky to have dodged this bullet.  I am just withdrawing from the daily texts and calls and lovebombing.  She classic BPD and I think always knew it.  It was making me ill from the beginning and giving me anxiety.  She was just a pretty face.  I need to save myself and move forward with my life.  She split me totally black now anyway. 

[once removed]

just withdrawing from her calls?

theres probably a lot of that; an intense relationship coming to a traumatic end can certainly leave a void, and no doubt, thats an adjustment all on its own.

you sound heartbroken, Surfer77. you dont sound like someone who dodged a bullet.

we know the feeling. its a lot to cope with. its okay to grieve.

[Surfer77]

Yeah she called me 100 times a day and texted me probably 500.  It was excessive and drained the life and souls out of me.  Then all of a sudden she stopped when she left.  Just cut me off cold.  I ended it. I couldn’t take it anymore. I was heartbroken at first and then when I realized there was more at play here, BPD, my cousin has it and the ex has it for sure, now I’m starting to feel lien insisted a bullet.  We couldn’t even go five minutes without fighting anymore. Everything was battle.  The person I feel in love with was gone and replaced by a starter who was angry and vile.  And has now stone walked me for 5 straight days.

[once removed]

We couldn’t even go five minutes without fighting anymore. Everything was battle. 

bpd aside, isnt this really the bottom line?

you have a diagnosis already: the relationship was broken.

it hurts as much as it does now because some part of you remained deeply invested in spite of that; the part that is wounded by being blocked. whatever she is, or isnt, is not going to heal that.

Will she ever try to contact me again?

how do you think youd take it if she did?