Rage texts

[shopgirl516]

Our 23yro son with BPD lives with us for the past year since graduating college last May. It's been an extremely challenging year with him at home - our walls have lots of holes and dents from his raging, he chooses not to go to therapy - says they are only there to defend us and don't know what they are doing, we are all exasperated with each other and my husband & I specifically at our wits end with walking on eggshells not knowing who will surface, Jekyll or Hyde bc anything can set him off.

He has not punched holes in walls since December so that's some progress and he has taped paper over them clearly evidence of feeling shame/remorse. What has been relentless with no improvement are his rage texts to each of us individually and in our fam chat. He uses siri often to scream incoherent scattered raging diatribes...most all of his hate, resentment, bitterness, mocking, name-calling/cursing, and accusations are targeted to me. He continues for years now to peddle a narrative that I conspired with his therapist at a step-down residential post-inpatient a few years ago to keep him there so I could be 'free of him and go on vacation bc I never wanted kids and never should have had or been allowed to have kids'. This is false on all counts - never did anything like that, never would, I've told him this, my husband has told him this but he continues to include that and other lies/cnspiracy in his texts - mostly ascribing malicious intent to to anything I do, twist my words/actions/intent.

How do you handle this? I'm really struggling with this. It's to the point that if my husband isn't in town things really blow up bc he picks apart anything I say or do as attacking him - I struggle with putting words together to speak with him bc I'm constantly on guard of triggering him which will them result in his rage texting my husband about me, demanding my husband gets home immediately. Things got so bad with him in December and January I had to stay in a hotel one night bc he was so enraged and triggered by my presence and ascribes malicious intent to anything I do.

I know this all had to do with (1) we moved two hours away from our home town when he was in freshman year of college and sees this as a betrayal bc he begged us not to move. There were many reasons that contributed to us moving, several of which had to do with what we felt would be a more vibrant, accepting/inclusive, younger city better suited for LGBTQ young adults as well as better job opportunities. A good deal came up in a neighborhood we had been eyeing and jumped on it. At the time, we had no idea he was BPD - he wasn't dx until several months after inpatient a couple of years later. Had we known all this, might have made different decisions but not sure as specialists for BPD were not where we lived originally, no BPD programs. In his mind this was broken trust, betrayal #1. (2) He was SI mid year of his sophmore year of college so bad he was not functional and we needed to get him inpatient asap. It was not the first time his therapists had told us to do this but bc he threatned us about putting him inpatient did everything we could to avoid it but that year, between COVID and college social life going very badly and his being 2hrs from his hometown friends (who were also away at college), it was too much. The inpatient place insisted we agree to transition him to a step down residential bc he wasn't ready to go home 'safely' and gave him & us a list of places to choose from. That place ended up being a disaster where they lied to him saying we would cut off his phone if he didn't stop calling us - I don't know they didn't think he would tell us this so when we found out we pulled him out immediately. Up to that point we had been trusting their guidance as clinicians. In his mind this was broken trust and betrayal #2. And it's all on me, and he won't let it go, for years. We've been to therapy on and off for years and he continues to believe I specifically masterminded keeping there. It's sick, upsetting, heartbreaking, and maddening. I'm frustrated, angry, sad, sickened and hopeless. Because he believes this, he makes similar assumptions about anything else that I do.

He was diagnosed with BPD 3 months after we pulled him from there by his local psych. and I'm so angry and bitter that he went through inpatient for 45 days with a team of therapists and psychs plus post residential and no one saw or dx this?? He could have been in a more appropriate place for BPD and be in a different place in life now, maybe? We'll never know. I just am at a loss for where we go from here, how we deal with the raging, the raging texts, trying to establish boundaries and of course his perverted and distorted narrative about me. I know this is not uncommon for BPD kids to accuse parents of crazy things - I just don't know how to deal with this. And I feel like I've been dealing with it my whole life bc my sister has BPD and my mom most likely had that or bipolar (or both). I'm drained.

And yes, I'm in therapy but husband and I really need to find a family therapist skilled in supporting parents of BPD kids.

Sorry for the long rambling post ... if you've gotten this far, thanks for listening

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[CC43]

Hi there,

I know you’re reeling and feeling desperate, but I see some silver linings after reading your post. First, your son graduated college, which is a major accomplishment considering he was dealing with BPD. Second, you have a diagnosis, so at least you know what you’re dealing with. What you describe sounds like very typical BPD behavior. Third, BPD is treatable. And fourth, your son is young, and he can turn his life around if he has the right attitude and therapy—BPD doesn’t have to derail him forever. Finally, he has loving parents.

My BPD stepdaughter also seemed to fall apart when she went away to college and she had to move out of her childhood home. It’s like her traditional support system crumbled, and she crumbled right along with it. Like your son, she blamed her family for her problems, but she also blamed roommates, former friends and colleagues until she became totally isolated. She holed up in her bedroom for months, sleeping all day and rage hating all night. But really she was mad at herself.

I could go on and on about BPD behaviors driven by out-of-control emotions and dysfunctional/delusional thinking, but I think it’s more important to emphasize that this is not your fault. It’s not even really your son’s fault, it’s BPD. But he can learn better coping skills if he gets professional help. And you can learn how to relate to him better with the tips on this site.  One of the main tips is to take care of yourself first. You’re not much good to your son if you’re a basket case. Prioritizing your self-care may include taking some time-outs and getting therapy for you too. My best « therapy » was taking walks outside.

[PearlsBefore]

When you say he won't go to therapy alleging they take your side, is he able to do solo therapy ideally with someone you don't even recommend so he can feel he's found an "ally"? Therapists walk a very careful line with BPDs, it's fascinating because a few of the major titles on BPD have a "patient workbook" and a "clinician [or caregiver] workbook" and it's amazing the stark differences of what they tell each side assuming few will ever read both.

Is substance abuse an issue?

There's a peer support group for people caring for loved ones with BPD; they do virtual and in-person meetings in major cities hopefully near you.

[Pook075]

Hello and welcome to the family.  I'm so sorry you're going through this; I've been in that exact position and there's no worse feeling in the world.  I actually had a heart attack in my 40's from all the stress associated with my BPD daughter...it literally almost killed me.

So I'll tell you what a great psychiatrist told me- you're responsible for you, while your son is responsible for your son.  The two things are mutually exclusive, you're not responsible for him and he's not responsible for you.

Why does that matter?

You have a grown adult with a college degree living in your home and abusing everyone else.  Why on Earth would you do this?  You're responsible for you, your son is responsible for himself.

Your son doesn't see the value in therapy.  Fair enough.  But did you ever consider that he feels that way because he lives at home where he's allowed to abuse mom and dad non-stop?  Why would he feel the need to get better when he's convinced that you're the problem?

You mentioned a lengthy in-patient stay, with a diagnosis coming late.  That does stink.  But that's not the problem here, because your son is responsible for himself.  He's the only person in this world that can make a choice to work on getting better.  Nobody else can do that, not even the best psychiatrist in the world with the most knowledge on BPD.  Because even that person, they are responsible for themselves only...they can't make another human do anything they don't want to do.

If my BPD daughter rage-texts me, I ignore it.  If it continues, I block her.  And if she screams at me, I'll tell her that I love her but need some space until we both calm down.  I don't argue and i don't listen to her narratives...that's not anyone's "job" as a parent.  Your job as mom is to teach right from wrong, and it's 1,000x more important when your kid has BPD.

What's the fix here?  There is only one- your son is responsible for himself.  He must choose to actively get better and in the current situation, he has zero reason to do that.

However, you're also responsible for you...and you're being mentally abused.  You also have a choice in this and can stop the abuse at any time.  And that doesn't mean to stop loving him or helping him....it just means to stop doing that stuff when he doesn't show appreciation and kindness.

With my BPD daughter, it was scorched Earth for almost two years.  She was homeless for a good stretch of it.  But eventually, she realized that the problem wasn't mom and dad...because she had the same problems everywhere else in the world as well.  That's when she finally took therapy seriously and everything began to change. 

We're close now, almost besties at times, and I love my daughter with all my heart.  If I had to go back and do it all over again though, I would have yelled less and kicked her out even sooner.  Why?  Because she's responsible for herself and she had to learn that lesson in life on her own.  Forcing her to grow up and be responsible "saved her" from herself.  At 26, she lives a pretty normal life with occasional drama.

I hope that helps.

[SoVeryConfused]

This is an encouraging post. Thank you for sharing it.