Husband Angry with BP Stepson

[Shoes]

My husband, who is my BP adult son’s stepfather is very angry with my son over his recent treatment of both of us.  My son brought up an issue from 7 years ago in which he feels my husband betrayed him. He has set boundaries with my son and doesn’t want my son to visit unless my son (who is 46) apologizes or talks to him about his behavior.  I have explained to my husband that with my son’s undiagnosed BP disorder that he may never get that from him.  I know my son will just act like nothing happened and that he did not do anything wrong.  I understand my husband’s feelings.  However, he is at the point where he does not want to ever see my son here at our home unless he changes his “ways”.  I am stuck between them.  I have set boundaries with my son also regarding his rage when he believes someone has attacked him in any way.  Help?

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Pook075]

Shortly before breaking up with my ex wife, she walked into the room wearing a shirt that she found at a garage sale.  It looked like it was out of the 70's and I said, "Wow, that shirt is very retro!" 

However, my wife took it as me saying, "Why are you wearing that old rag?  You have no taste or style when it comes to clothing!"  My wife told at least 5 people that I put her down and made her feel like garbage for wearing that shirt.  It was one of the reasons she decided to leave the marriage.

Some could say that I did nothing wrong, and on some levels I agree.  But at the same time, it hurt her feelings deeply in a way that I couldn't even imagine.

Your son and your husband are at the same impasse.  One is hurt, the other is righteous.  But which one is wrong?

The correct answer is both of them.  Both had their feelings hurt over a misunderstanding.  And both want to be the victim here; neither one can seem to be the bigger person.

However, I'm siding with your son on this one for one reason- he's mentally ill.  Your husband isn't, so he should be the adult in the room.

I apologized to my ex wife for how my retro shirt comment made her feel, and added that it was never my intention to hurt her.  This was over a year later and the damage had already been done, but I still realized that there was no harm in erasing a misunderstanding.

Your husband shouldn't apologize for whatever he was accused of- that's validating the invalid.  But he can apologize for any misunderstanding and then let it go.

I hope that helps.

[Shoes]

Thank you for your thoughtful response.  I am hoping my husband becomes educated about BPD as he currently views my son as a person who is manipulative, abusive and vindictive.  7 years ago, my son was terminated at our family business for valid reasons as he was insubordinate, falsified reports and couldn’t be found some days during work hours.  He was terminated by middle management.  My husband was informed of my son’s behavior and left it up to the management team to do what they believed was best. My son denied he did anything wrong. He maintains that belief to this day and recently brought up the termination from 7 years ago and feels my husband should be held accountable.  He has raged at me recently regarding the termination from 7 years ago, even though he has had a new job for years.  He can be very verbally abusive and takes no accountability for his action
but blames others.

[Pook075]

Thank you for your thoughtful response.  I am hoping my husband becomes educated about BPD as he currently views my son as a person who is manipulative, abusive and vindictive.  7 years ago, my son was terminated at our family business for valid reasons as he was insubordinate, falsified reports and couldn’t be found some days during work hours.  He was terminated by middle management.  My husband was informed of my son’s behavior and left it up to the management team to do what they believed was best. My son denied he did anything wrong. He maintains that belief to this day and recently brought up the termination from 7 years ago and feels my husband should be held accountable.  He has raged at me recently regarding the termination from 7 years ago, even though he has had a new job for years.  He can be very verbally abusive and takes no accountability for his action
but blames others.

That's a tough situation and exactly why family-owned businesses are so hard...work stuff becomes family stuff and vice versa.

And I do agree with your husband; at times, your son is probably all of those things.  But that doesn't mean your son doesn't deserve compassion over something that's weighed on him for 7+ years now.  They need to talk it out and let it go.