how do you not take things personally

[Notameandad]

My child says that I verbally and physically abused her. I never did, but in her head she really believes it. What can I do?

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Tanager]

It takes courage to bring up this issue.  It's so incredibly hurtful to hear the daughter you love accuse you of abuse.  Things go well with my daughter for
 periods of time. I  convince myself that she realizes her parents tried so hard to give her love and support and would never hurt her like that. But when things go badly for her and she becomes disregulated the accusations begin.  She accuses her dad of abusing her when she was in preschool and me, her mom, of enabling the abuse and choosing him over her. These accusations are crippling even though untrue. When my daughter is over her crisis she back to her previous state. She asks my husband's advice on various issues, she is friendly. She calls me daily talking about her job, her aspirations, her life. We keep supporting her and let it go.  I don't have any answers.  Just wanted you to know you aren't the only one.

[CC43]

Accusing parents of abuse seems to be a very typical BPD behavior.  My diagnosed BPD stepdaughter did the same thing.  In fact, she started out with credible tales, complaining about arguing and hostility in the household, and she had a valid point there.  However, as her BPD behaviors spiraled, her accusations became more extreme and pervasive, and her version of events became very distorted.  Basically, she accused everyone of abuse:  schoolmates, roommates, siblings, co-workers, parents and other relatives.  At first, I gave her the benefit of the doubt, but over time, I felt that the fact patterns didn't line up very well.  She said she was bullied relentlessly, but she couldn't say exactly how she was bullied.  She'd say that she was raped, but she never reported it, and then she said she couldn't remember any details.  She said that her sibling tried to kill her, but she omitted her part in instigating a heated argument.  She said her parent assaulted her, when what really happened was that her parent called 911 when she became violent.  She tested out an accusation that her dad molested her when she was little, but when he challenged her on that twisted narrative, she backed off.

Over time, I came to realize that her claims of abuse ALWAYS coincided with some sort of unrelated disappointment or setback in her life.  Rather than handle whatever was going on in her life in a healthy or realistic way, her victim attitude would take over.  Basically, the disappointment or setback had to be someone else's fault.  Her brain would concoct a twisted narrative which placed the blame for everything wrong in her life onto someone else.  Failing out of school would be her roommate's fault, because the purported bullying made her unable to study.  Losing her job would be her sibling's fault, because memories of a toxic childhood would prevent her from sleeping at night.  Not winning an audition would be her aunt's fault, because the aunt was condescending when she offered some water before the audition.  Now, I'm not saying that my stepdaughter didn't FEEL aggrieved by her friends, coworkers and family.  Clearly she did feel aggrieved, very intensely so.  The issue is that the intensity and duration of her pain were extreme, the supposed causes of her pain were highly distorted, and the overall narrative became delusional.  I believe that her thinking was delusional because the purported incidents had no direct connection to the real problems she was experiencing in life.  Her brain was twisting narratives to place blame on others, because it was too painful to be responsible for her own life!

Having said all that, if you listen for the FEELINGS behind her grievances, I think you can get a glimpse of what is bugging your daughter.  Claims of abuse in childhood might really mean that she didn't feel safe, accepted or loved enough.  Claims that "You never listen" could mean that she feels misunderstood, that you don't understand the depths of her despair.  I'll add that my BPD stepdaughter felt very childlike, since she was delayed in hitting adult milestones.  Therefore she was "primed" to detect signs of condescension or "disrespect."  Does your daughter often claim, "I'm an adult, I can do whatever I want!"  To me, that's a sure sign that she feels childish, inferior and not in control of her life.  You see, the trouble with a victim attitude is that she has no agency over her own life, and she is rendered powerless.  She thinks that everyone else is ruining her life.  That must feel terrible indeed.

What can you do?  Try to listen for the feelings, and validate the feelings.  You can say things like, "I'm sorry you feel that way, it must feel terrible, but we never intended to hurt you."  Yet I'd caution, don't validate the invalid.  One example I gave above:  my stepdaughter tested out an accusation of molestation, which was untrue, when she was entering an increasingly delusional state.  Her dad said something like, "That's a lie and you know it."  Finally, if your daughter seems unhinged, for example if she sends cruel texts or is yelling at you, that's likely a sign that she's experiencing stress, difficulties or a setback in her life.  My guess is that she's taking her stress and disappointment out on you, while blaming you in the process.  With some patience, you might come to learn what's really going on.  At least that's my experience with my stepdaughter.  A lashing out will usually be a sign that she failed or quit something (a job, relationship, school, rooming situation, etc.).  In other words, it's not your fault; her anger is just a deflection or distraction from the real issue.  Once you understand this, it might be a little easier not to take your daughter's cruel words so personally.  But it's never easy to see her in such distress. 

[Tanager]

Thank you so much for your insight, CC43.  It explains so much . For the last few weeks my daughter has had work,  illness, roommate issues, etc. She calls multiple times and we talk at least 3 hours a day.  Of course that means walking on eggshells and continous validation.   A few days ago she was talking about coming home for a few months.   She was consulting her dad about work issues, health problems, and possible jobs.  Unfortunately she became more disregulated. She asked my opinion about a minor issue and I foolishly,  though diplomatically,  offered it. It wasn't the response she wanted.  She became unglued,  calling me a horrible mother and an enabler to her dad's abuse.   My response numerous times when these accusations start is suggesting family therapy with a mental health professional.  She doesn't want to do that.  I think the solution she wants is for us to confess and apologize for something that didn't happen.   JADE certainly doesn't work.  Hanging up or saying I have to go only adds fuel to the fire. We have apologized  so many times for parental mistakes. My daughter believes this abuse occurred.  I can't think of anything worse to hear from a daughter we love and want the best for. Her sister wants nothing to do with her and that breaks my heart.  Sorry to ramble.  I feel the dam containing my despair has burst. What should I say to my daughter when she starts these accusations?

[CC43]

Hi Tanager,

I could have written almost exactly what you just wrote.  My BPD stepdaughter is currently transitioning from college graduation to looking for full-time work.  Granted, her graduation is a huge accomplishment, and we have celebrated it.  Nevertheless, lately her stress levels have been rising, and she has been spending more and more time with us (her dad and me).  Honestly, I'm a bit frustrated that she delayed starting her job hunt until after graduation; I was nudging her to get started last fall and over the winter and spring breaks, but she was NOT interested.  Now her lease is coming up, her school health insurance plan is expiring, and she has no job lined up.  The upside is that she wants and needs to find work, and she wants to move to a new city.  I've tried to be supportive by suggesting industries, companies and job titles that might interest her, deciphering job descriptions and editing cover letters, but she doesn't love my input because it involves WORK.  I think what she really wants is for me or her dad to find a job for her, find an apartment for her, sign her lease, move her in and continue to provide her with all her spending money.  Anything less than that is very scary and triggering indeed.

So like your daughter, this highly stressful transition is priming her for a trauma-like response to ordinary circumstances.  Moreover, it looks like she's showing some signs of cracking, after an extended period of relative stability, which was a blessing.  One example is that she lost her temporary part-time job because of a negative customer interaction.  She said the customer was being unreasonable, and so was the manager, but my bet is that her "aggrieved attitude" and general unhelpfulness shone through, because she's stressed out about her entire life as she walks around with a chip on her shoulder, thinking life is unfair because a dream job with high pay, an ideal location and easy hours hasn't landed on her lap already.  She's testy and easily irritated, and her demeanor is not cheerful, and I think that's why her manager didn't give her the benefit of the doubt.  Plus, she's low energy; she has a hard time keeping up and making it through her shift--that is a recurring theme when it comes to working.  In fact, she's napping right now, for hours come to think of it, in the middle of the afternoon, when I think she should be firing off some job applications . . . Anyway, this is the backdrop for recent dredging up of past grievances, as well as various new and recurring complaints.  She's brought up past altercations with her sister once again, even though she hasn't even seen her sister for several years now, as they remain estranged (and my opinion is that she isn't ready to repair the relationship until she solidifies her identity as an independent adult, that is, when she's on equal footing with her sister).  In addition, my BPD stepdaughter is complaining of increasing strife with her roommate, too.  Oh yeah, and she seems to be sick every other week; does that sound familiar?  Now, my read of the situation is that this is her BPD way of coping with the difficulty of the job hunt and upcoming changes.  It's just a distraction from the central issue.  And part of the real issue is, she thinks she's not good enough, nobody will hire her, and that she can't make it as an independent adult!  Her confidence is taking a major hit because that dream job hasn't materialized in the city she wants, when it seems that everyone else has an amazing career in a location that is much more exciting.  The thing is, she hasn't realized that the other people put in the work of building out a resume and pounding the pavement in a job search, whereas she has barely even started.  Or maybe she does realize this, and she's mad at herself for putting herself in this position.

And so, back to the dynamic with your daughter.  She asks your for help and advice, and you give it, but it's not what she wants to hear.  Maybe it's because it doesn't align with her victim attitude, or maybe it's because it requires her to work, when she wants you to do the work FOR her.  Either way, she's not getting what she really wants (in life AND from you), and in the face of disappointment, a person with untreated BPD can easily spiral.  She can become unhinged, and she'll unleash her frustration, venting it out onto you, probably blaming you for her problems.  That the problem du jour has nothing to do with her central issue is often the point:  it's a distraction, a deflection, because dealing with the central issue is just too PAINFUL for her.  You see, her thinking is negative.  For instance, my stepdaughter will fret about her career, about not finding the right husband, because she's not in the right city, which makes her unhappy, because she's STUCK and her dad won't just give her the money she needs to move away, it's not fair, her sister got to move to the city when she was only 22!  But instead of complaining about the typical grievances or her sister's situation, I think she should focus on filling out job applications, one per hour, around eight to ten per day.  If she focused on the process (which is in her control) and not about grievances or victimhood, she'd do better.  But the BPD mindset is a tough one to overcome, because it's a dysfunctional coping mechanism.  I guess if you see it that way, it's easier to brush off the latest outburst and ignore the latest accusation, except perhaps to validate that she feels frustrated and angry.  But feeling frustrated and angry all the time doesn't usually help people achieve their goals, right?  So when I have the opportunity, I try to keep things upbeat, and focus on what's in her control and what she can do TODAY to work on her goals.  For my stepdaughter right now, that's filling out applications.  The next step might be preparing for interviews.  And those are areas where I can really help, if she wants it and she lets me.  But sometimes she spends more time in avoidance mode (e.g. napping) or grievance mode (e.g. complaining about the past, issues with roommates or unfairness vis a vis other people's careers).

I hope that perspective helps a little bit.  Hang in there.

[SoVeryConfused]

I literally had my child tell me a day ago that I traveled to her city to scold her one morning on a specific topic. She lives hours away, and it never happened. This story contained specific details around time and other people with me. My mouth hung open. All I could do was repeat what child said as a question because it kind of scared me that this made-up thing was being said with complete certainty as if it had happened.

For me, I've realized that I can't logic my person out of what they believe. Never works. It only sucks me into a vortex of circular arguments that candidly, I'm not fast enough or smart enough to win. So, I didn't say anything to dispute it.

In other cases, when it's been more about things I've done that seem abusive, I might say - I don't recall it the same way, but I would never want to hurt you. Or - hmmm. That's a different perspective that I have on it, but I hear what you are saying. You feel X.

[Tanager]

I have been trying to apply the advice from CC43 about addressing the feelings behind the accusation rather than the accusation itself.  So hard to do.