defeated

[BPDstinks]

Hi! 

Another holiday come and gone....I have a question with NO wrong answer:

(backstory)  my daughter, pwBPD cut off ties with me, my husband, her sister and my nieces; I have not seen pwBPD for 3 solid years (NOT my choice)
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Fast forward, she started associating with my mother (this is great, b/c my mom fills me in on pwBPD and I at least know she is ok); (it gets tricky here...) my pwBPD is now associating with my sister and my niece (her husband passed away recently) my mother and my sister did not speak to niece for 4 years, my sister does not speak to me, because I took my niece wedding dress shopping, ONLY because NOONE would (I messaged my sister to ask her if I should...she said, "do whatever you want" (my niece would cry all the time....I am very close to her....I knew it wasn't a great idea, but, here we are) my therapist explained a "diad" (certain groups get together), however, (this is going to sound childish) my pwBPD, mother, sister and niece all congregate for holidays, starting with this Thanksgiving, etc. I understand the "diad" idea, however, this makes me so sad, I just cannot get past it, I feel like I get "ostracized" for simply trying to be a good person (niece); (add in, many years ago, pwBPD despised sister, mother, niece; I really just want to wash my hands of all of them; does anyone else have this situation? am I overreacting (my husband is just depressed over the whole situation and I don't understand how my other daughter is "dismissed"; it is just a mess

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Notwendy]

Having a disordered family member affects a whole family as a system. It can also be intergenerational. It can happen with other issues as well such as alcoholism. Some family members act as enablers, or other roles.

This is a hurtful situation. I don't understand how people can decide to do this. I don't know all details about my BPD mother's family but there are stories about how this person isn't speaking to that person among members.

She has a distant cousin who is about my age who I am told has BPD. This person has cut contact with her mother and sister.  I don't know why. Since I don't know that family well, I hesitate to judge either the mother or the daughter or try to decide who has BPD or not. However, this cousin did briefly connect with me and then one day decide to break contact for whatever reason, I have no idea why. So I tend to suspect the pwBPD is her.

My BPD mother saw people as either on her side or not her side. After my father passed away, she was angry at me and told family members on her side to not speak to me. The other side to this is that when she does this she also tells them not to tell me.  I was shocked they complied. I know this because someone did "break the agreement" and tell me. They have since connected with me again later.

This even extended into her elder years. She would tell her nurses and caregivers to not speak to me and for no reason. I wanted to know how she was doing.

I don't understand it. It is hurftul. The parent-child bond is a special one. It's completely understandable that this upsets you. Sometimes there isn't even a reason that makes sense. They just decide that something you did is the reason. If it wasn't taking your neice dress shopping, it would be something else.

I think we have a sense of reciprocity. Do unto others- right? So you feel "punished" for being a good person. But the reason to be a good person is for your own sense of self- so you follow your own ethics, regardless of what anyone else does.

But treating others as you would like to be treated also includes treating yourself as you want to be treated. So it's OK to have self care. If this means distancing yourself emotionally- for your own sake- then you can do it. It doesn't mean you close the door to your D contacting you, or reacting to her. It means gaining some space for yourself emotionally.

You aren't over reacting. We feel what we feel. People don't react emotionally in the same way. Your H feels the way he does. If he thinks you are over reacting, consider, he's not in a place to be of support for you if dealing with his own feelings is a full plate for him. You can seek out support from counseling- someone who can help you with your feelings. Friends too-  but they aren't professionals so they may not know how to manage.

Whatever your D does- this is up to her to decide. As to other family members- at least there is a connection to her. I felt this way about my mother's family. They'd spend time with her but not communicate with me. But it was good for her that she had this support from them- and maybe for her it had to be this way- only for her. It was still a connection. I also knew that they'd contact me if something was really going on with her that I needed to know. Your family will do that too. Maybe this is the only way your D can stay connected at this time.

[BPDstinks]

I love the word DISORDERED!  That would be my life's epiphany!  Your words sooth my SOUL!  I very much appreciate all of the advice...yes!  I am very focused on self-care and basically, being the best version of myself...should my pwBPD want to re-connect!  Thank you so much!

[Notwendy]

Glad it helped. Yes, be your best self! Your D won't be affected either way by your happiness- so, as hard as it is- do what makes you happy.

[BPDstinks]

That is what my therapist said, what is the worst that can happen, she does not (gasp!) speak to me!