Adult child keeping grandchild away

[Lori G]

Hello,
I’m new to the site and am just accepting my adult daughter’s diagnosis of BPD. She seemed so different after she got pregnant and moved back in with us for couple years. The first man she dated after having a baby (4 yrs later)has moved in with her and seems to be a malignant narcissist. She’s quit her job and he pays the bills.
Since he is the disciplinarian for our 4 year old grandchild and we “coddle” her (we comfort her when she cries when her mom comes to get her to take her home), we don’t get to see her very often.
I was keeping her four days a week when her mom was working. Recently I called.BS on a couple things she said. Now she said, until I can have emotional stability and respectful communication she and my daughter will continue to walk away. It sounded scripted by her live-in boyfriend.
Obviously, 95% of the time I’ve kept my mouth shut and not commented because I know the repercussions. But now, my heart is broken because I can’t see my grandchild and I don’t know how to move forward. She said the balls in my court, but I really don’t know what that means. I feel between a rock and a hard place.
I have some peace because I’ve given it to God, but not sure where to go from here. I came on this site to learn more.(my sister who is a therapist suggested this :-)

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[BPDstinks]

Hi!  I want to cry reading this (my daughter was diagnosed with BPD....long story...she cut me, her father, sister & nieces off with ZERO notice) as if that was not enough, my granddaughters' mother (see niece reference) has cut me off more times than I can count (literally, she messaged me something very nasty on FB and before I could even respond, blocked me); my granddaughters are 9, 7 & 4; (I am not biologically related to the younger two, I only say that b/c I have no legal rights to see them); like you, I practically raised the older two; all I can say is, the first few times, I cried, obsessed, reached out to the other grandmother (she gets cut off all of the time, we just take turns with the kids and make sure we each get to see them) I think, regardless of mental status, it is CRUEL to use these kids as "pawns"; I am always nervous she won't let me see them, however, in MY case, realized she NEEDS me to watch them, so....I am more lenient with her than I would be others, only because of the kids....my ONLY advice is stay calm & patient (I know, easier said than done) I am sure your heart is breaking, I pray it is only a brief separation (I see a therapist who specializes in parents of children/young adults, etc. with BPD) please reach out if you like! I very much empathize and share your pain

[CC43]

Hi Lori,

If you take a look at some of the posts on this site, you'll see that keeping a grandchild away is very typical BPD behavior designed to punish and/or control you.  But I'd say, if you've been a consistent babysitter in the past, your daughter will need you again at some point, and she's likely to allow you to babysit again.  If you approach visitation by addressing your daughter's needs (for a break, for a chance to do socialize with adults, etc.), you will probably have more success than if you express your own needs to see the grandchild, let alone the grandchild's needs for a stable, loving environment.  Expressing your needs will be seen as needy and controlling, and expressing concern about the grandchild will probably trigger jealousy, or be seen as criticism, and so my advice is to veer away from those topics.

Another theme typical on this site is the black-and-white thinking patterns associated with BPD.  They tend to either love or absolutely hate someone.  It may be that the new love interest is your daughter's favorite person right now, whereas she sees you as the enemy.  I'd advise to be happy that your daughter has found someone to love and support her for the time being, and yet to be realistic, because if her BPD is severe and untreated, my bet is that the relationship won't last for long.  Volatile relationships are a hallmark of BPD.

Finally, when you're accused of lacking emotional stability and respectful communication, my bet is that your daughter is describing herself, not you.  She's likely the one who is unhinged and disrespectful, and subconsciously or not, she's projecting those feelings right back onto you, blaming you in the process for all her woes.  This projection is also a very typical BPD behavior.  If you realize that, then maybe you won't take your daughter's harsh words so personally.

I know this is really painful to watch.  Nobody likes being estranged from family.  But maybe you can take a little breather and focus on self-care.  In fact, I think you should model for your daughter what a healthy adult's life looks like.  If she lashes out with mean texts, don't take them personally, just delete them like spam, because they are spam.  Take it as a sign that your daughter is experiencing stress right now, and the mean text is unleashing some of her venom, but you can wait until she cools off before you engage with her again.
 
All my best to you.

[BPDstinks]

CC43...I love THAT advice...I can use that, too! (especially the SPAM! some of the texts are so cruel (it is such a small thing, but, pwBPD also abandoned HER dog, who now has diabetes, pwBPD got "wind" of it & sent me a book long text about how I am cruel, letting Hazel (dog) suffer, I am selfish, just want control, on & on (i say MY dog, because I take care of her! is NOT suffering, so....) that is the only time I was truly angry

[js friend]

Hi Lori G,

Unfortunately Iam currently in the same boat and it is coming up to 5yrs since I last saw my grandchildren who I often had them over overnight since they were babies, so I know how  you must be feeling

How my situation came about is very similiar to yours.

I confronted my udd about her BS parenting of my gc, and udd went ballistic which was expected. Also little did I know at the time, udd's new man (who she had kept a secret) was also moving into the home. She has since had another child with this new man and udd  has not invited me to met either.

My thoughts on the situation is that my udd got what she wanted. Bluntly put, she wanted a live in partner more than anything in the world and had no need for me anymore regardless of my gc's feelings. I also think that she had never wanted me to meet this new man and potentially rock the boat in some way by me asking questions about him so the easiest thing would be to get rid of me. Over the years udd's relationships have all  been 1 in and 1 out....including friends so my guess is this is no different regardless how confusing it must be for my gc.

My udd doesnt want to have any contact with me (I have tried) and has only remained in contact with 2 family members that I know of. We have all been cut off. Im not even sure if  think anyone has actually met him, but I believe he is still there. I guess she has told him a story about why we are not in their lives.

So if it were me and if  there may be the slimmest  chance of remaining in some form of  contact with your gc I would ask your dd to clarify what she means when she says that the ball is in your court. It may hopefully be a reasonable request, but more than likely from my past experience it will be that you will remain on rocky ground as long as this new man is around.

In the meantime I think that it is important that you make it a priority to take the time to look after your mental and physical health because this situation of estrangement can take it toll on all of us.

[ForeverDad]

If you approach visitation by addressing your daughter's needs (for a break, for a chance to do socialize with adults, etc.), you will probably have more success than if you express your own needs to see the grandchild, let alone the grandchild's needs for a stable, loving environment.  Expressing your needs will be seen as needy and controlling, and expressing concern about the grandchild will probably trigger jealousy, or be seen as criticism, and so my advice is to veer away from those topics.

There are pros and cons to just about every scenario, so there's no perfect approach.  This perspective is helpful in many situations.  PwBPD traits are very self oriented (and typically perceive feelings rather than facts) so they're quick to attribute their inclinations onto others.

Did you know that some states grant limited grandparent rights?  You would need to consult an experienced family law attorney in the grandchild's local area.  Of course, if you try a legal approach then that can trigger overreactions in your child that could persist for years.  On the other hand, if you don't try to see your grandchildren then in time your child could claim you're no longer an involved grandparent.  Quite a Catch 22.

https://www.findlaw.com/family/child-custody/grandparent-rights.html