Are individuals capable of loving others?

[SomebodyIUsed2No]

After listening to quite a few resources online between podcasts, YouTube videos, and audiobooks, conflicted feelings wash over me. On the one hand it’s like a light bulb came on when I learned what my loved one is dealing with having
bpd (although not diagnosed). Of course I am also dealing with this as a passenger to this trauma. One of the podcasters I listened to (AJ Mahari) frequently touched on fact that the bpd sufferer is not capable of love and has never really loved you. The ideation and devaluation cycle seem to reinforce this. I recognize that my partner and I have been trauma bonded in this relationship for many years. Trying to reconcile this notion that the person who I have shared my life with and been so vulnerable with has never truly loved me.

Probably not healthy to spend too much time reflecting on this but curious if you agree that those with bpd can’t truly love you ? Also that the push pull aspect is not them reaching out to you for improving relationship but serving their need not to be abandoned?

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[once removed]

Trying to reconcile this notion that the person who I have shared my life with and been so vulnerable with has never truly loved me.

do you believe that, or are you trying to reconcile a notion?

you know her best. do you believe shes never loved you?

[SomebodyIUsed2No]

I want to believe that our relationship was based on love and was genuine.There is a part of me that after listening to someone who had bpd and went through treatment indicated that the individual who is splitting and not in treatment is not capable of loving you because they really don’t know who they are and when they were developing whether it was an attachment style or emotionally this concept of seeing people as all good or bad.

Long and short is how can they love you if they don’t love or even know themselves? Again not a pleasant thought but something I’m struggling with as days go by.

[once removed]

just a caution: youtube videos, podcasts, life coaches, the sort of "bpd industrial complex" is not very credible on most matters. it is the primary propagator of myths and urban legends that often make their way to the Detaching board. there is great information on bpd out there, but it, like a lot of mental health matters, is dwarfed by the junk.

more info here: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=317743.0
and here: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=351044.msg%msg_id%

sure, individuals with bpd are capable of love.

I want to believe that our relationship was based on love and was genuine.
...
how can they love you if they don’t love or even know themselves?

you want to know that your love was real and genuine. i think that you can rest assured that it was.

you also want to know what that love meant, exactly.

does a three year old love his mother and father? it may not be the sort of love that that three year old will go on develop over the course of the rest of his life, but it is the start of it.

and no. im not telling you that your loved one loved you like a three year old. im saying that for all of us, every single person, love is something that grows and evolves over time. something we are all born with a limited capacity for, that ideally, grows, and is shaped by all kinds of things that happen to us in life. the same is true for you and me. our realized version of love is not yet fully developed, its not where it will be one day, when we're further grown, further matured, further shaped by all sorts of relationships and life events. does it mean we didnt love people when we were younger, less mature, less realized in our ability to love than we are now?

the more specific answer of what that love meant/means is very individual to your relationship; to all of our relationships. if you have broken up (you use past and present tense, so this is more rhetorical than anything), it may mean your ideas of love clashed. it may mean that love wasnt enough to overcome; it doesnt conquer all. none of that precludes the love being real or genuine; i think we all generally love the best we are capable of.