Second Divorce Filing – This Time I’m Done for Good

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Hi everyone,

This is my first post here, but I’ve been reading for a while. I’ve found a lot of clarity and strength through this community and through reading Stop Walking on Eggshells, which helped me finally start to wake up after being deeply enmeshed and manipulated for years.

I’m currently in the middle of my second divorce filing from my wife—we’ve been married for 7 years, and I first filed nearly two years ago. Back then, I was baited back in emotionally and sexually, thinking maybe things could improve. They didn’t. They got worse. Much worse.

The day I finally left, we were arguing over something as small as me going to the store to pick up a few things for the house. She couldn’t handle the idea of me stepping out. She’s extremely controlling—just going on a jog or walking around the neighborhood would trigger paranoid accusations of affairs. That constant suspicion became the norm. Her emotions dominate every space she enters.

At one point, she showed up uninvited to a work happy hour at my new job—a high-level finance position with a major bank—caused a scene, and eventually contributed to me not being able to integrate at the company. I lost the job. That’s happened more than once. She's wrecked my career, cost me tens of thousands in legal fees, and even had me wrongfully jailed. (Charges were dropped.)

She hasn’t worked in years. Her car’s been broken for almost two, and she refuses to fix it. She can’t consistently get our son to preschool. Her ADHD, combined with increasingly erratic behavior and constant plan changes, makes co-parenting nearly impossible. She isolates herself from everyone—her friends are gone, her extended family avoids her. I'm her only target left. It's parasitic in nature.

The worst part is how it’s affected my health. I developed hypertension from the stress and chaos. I couldn’t even eat a peaceful meal in the house because of the yelling and disorganization. It was like living in a minefield. I truly believe I was on a fast track to a heart attack or worse if I didn’t get out. I'm in a much better place now.

She was hospitalized last fall after experiencing alcohol-induced hallucinations and pancreatitis. Since then, her mental state has declined even further and she appears to have jaundice in her eyes. When her mother had a stroke and was paralyzed without the ability to speak it seemed to send her into a tailspin. Her father is the only one who might be able to intervene, but he has a partially paralyzed wife and aging parents to care for, and wants to stay out of it.

Meanwhile, I’ve had our 4-year-old son living with me and my parents every other weekend. He does great when he's here —thriving in stability, showing signs of peace, but it's almost all undone when he goes back with his mom. It kills me that he’s already noticing the dysfunction, but also confirms to me that I’m doing the right thing.

We have no temporary orders yet. I filed in April and we’re just waiting out the 60-day response period. I’ve documented everything—texts, voicemails, erratic behavior—and we’re asking the court for a full psychological evaluation. I originally sought joint custody but now I'm starting to believe joint custody would be a disaster and I’m prepared to seek full custody pending the psych eval.

I hate that this is my son’s reality. But I’ve accepted that the only way forward is through. I’ve stopped making excuses for her. I’ve stopped hoping she’ll change. My neighbor told me I was strong for trying as long as I did. That helped me see the truth: I did try. I gave everything I had.

Now I’m done.

This forum—and the stories of others here—have helped me deprogram the years of gaslighting and self-doubt. I finally see clearly. I want to create a healthy, grounded life for my son, where love isn’t tangled up with manipulation, guilt, or fear.

Thank you to everyone who shares their journey here. It’s saving people like me and my son.

[SoonerOwl]

Hi everyone,

This is my first post here, but I’ve been reading for a while. I’ve found a lot of clarity and strength through this community and through reading Stop Walking on Eggshells, which helped me finally start to wake up after being deeply enmeshed and manipulated for years.

I’m currently in the middle of my second divorce filing from my wife—we’ve been married for 7 years, and I first filed nearly two years ago. Back then, I was baited back in emotionally and sexually, thinking maybe things could improve. They didn’t. They got worse. Much worse.

The day I finally left, we were arguing over something as small as me going to the store to pick up a few things for the house. She couldn’t handle the idea of me stepping out. She’s extremely controlling—just going on a jog or walking around the neighborhood would trigger paranoid accusations of affairs. That constant suspicion became the norm. Her emotions dominate every space she enters.

At one point, she showed up uninvited to a work happy hour at my new job—a high-level finance position with a major bank—caused a scene, and eventually contributed to me not being able to integrate at the company. I lost the job. That’s happened more than once. She's wrecked my career, cost me tens of thousands in legal fees, and even had me wrongfully jailed. (Charges were dropped.)

She hasn’t worked in years. Her car’s been broken for almost two, and she refuses to fix it. She can’t consistently get our son to preschool. Her ADHD, combined with increasingly erratic behavior and constant plan changes, makes co-parenting nearly impossible. She isolates herself from everyone—her friends are gone, her extended family avoids her. I'm her only target left. It's parasitic in nature.

The worst part is how it’s affected my health. I developed hypertension from the stress and chaos. I couldn’t even eat a peaceful meal in the house because of the yelling and disorganization. It was like living in a minefield. I truly believe I was on a fast track to a heart attack or worse if I didn’t get out. I'm in a much better place now.

She was hospitalized last fall after experiencing alcohol-induced hallucinations and pancreatitis. Since then, her mental state has declined even further and she appears to have jaundice in her eyes. When her mother had a stroke and was paralyzed without the ability to speak it seemed to send her into a tailspin. Her father is the only one who might be able to intervene, but he has a partially paralyzed wife and aging parents to care for, and wants to stay out of it.

Meanwhile, I’ve had our 4-year-old son living with me and my parents every other weekend. He does great when he's here —thriving in stability, showing signs of peace, but it's almost all undone when he goes back with his mom. It kills me that he’s already noticing the dysfunction, but also confirms to me that I’m doing the right thing.

We have no temporary orders yet. I filed in April and we’re just waiting out the 60-day response period. I’ve documented everything—texts, voicemails, erratic behavior—and we’re asking the court for a full psychological evaluation. I originally sought joint custody but now I'm starting to believe joint custody would be a disaster and I’m prepared to seek full custody pending the psych eval.

I hate that this is my son’s reality. But I’ve accepted that the only way forward is through. I’ve stopped making excuses for her. I’ve stopped hoping she’ll change. My neighbor told me I was strong for trying as long as I did. That helped me see the truth: I did try. I gave everything I had.

Now I’m done.

This forum—and the stories of others here—have helped me deprogram the years of gaslighting and self-doubt. I finally see clearly. I want to create a healthy, grounded life for my son, where love isn’t tangled up with manipulation, guilt, or fear.

Thank you to everyone who shares their journey here. It’s saving people like me and my son.

[SoonerOwl]

One thing I forgot to mention in my original post—maybe because it’s still hard for me to fully accept—is how much she lies. It’s beyond what I would have ever thought possible in a partner. I’m someone who prides himself on being honest to a fault. I can’t lie even when it might be easier—but she can lie so convincingly, so casually, and with such emotional force that I still find myself doubting what I know to be true.

She is, without exaggeration, a pathological liar. And the hardest part is: she believes her lies in the moment. That’s what makes it so disorienting. I’ve been fooled more times than I can count—promises, tears, rage, fake vulnerability—only to find out later it was all manipulation. I still catch myself falling for it sometimes, even now, and I hate that.

Just today, she called me frantically, pretending to have an asthma attack. This was after being in a good mood earlier. Then she flipped into screaming about custody exchange plans and trying to provoke a reaction from me. I told her calmly that if she was having a medical emergency, she should call an ambulance—but she didn’t. A few minutes later, she was FaceTiming our son looking completely fine.

These tactics aren’t new, but they still shake me. They feel like emotional landmines meant to break through my boundaries—especially when she doesn’t get her way.

I share this because I’m still learning how to stop trying to make sense of nonsense. If anyone else has dealt with this kind of manipulation and pathological lying, I’d love to hear how you learned to trust yourself again. That’s still the hardest part for me—rebuilding my ability to see through the fog in real time.

Thanks again to everyone in this community. You’re helping me stay steady.

[guitarguy09]

Hello and welcome SoonerOwl! Similar situation here, I feel my marriage will inevitably end in divorce despite my best efforts to hold it together for my two boys, 13 and 9.

You have certainly been through the ringer time and time again with her! Wrongly jailed and she caused you to lose a high paying job? Sheesh! To these people their cruelty knows no bounds. Everything is all about them. Good luck with the divorce. I'm sure it will be nasty and a battle but will be worth it in the end. Your son is of the age where he's really going to start to notice her behavior more and more, so awesome move in recognizing that you need to get out.

Your work party reminded me of when I was on an important conference call. I work from home. If I hadn't been able to hit the mute button at the right time, it might have not gone over well.

I hope I have the courage to divorce someday. I think she will basically force that to happen. Oh, and she hasn't worked for two years. She quit two different jobs that year after complaining that I "didn't do enough to support her around the house" and flimsy excuses about how she didn't like her coworkers etc.

[ForeverDad]

I’m currently in the middle of my second divorce filing from my wife—we’ve been married for 7 years, and I first filed nearly two years ago. Back then, I was baited back in emotionally and sexually, thinking maybe things could improve. They didn’t. They got worse. Much worse.

This is what I call the "Obligated" impact.  Once you returned she felt even more that she was in control and that you were obligated even more to the relationship.

BPD FOG = Fear - Obligation - Guilt

She hasn’t worked in years. Her car’s been broken for almost two, and she refuses to fix it. She can’t consistently get our son to preschool. Her ADHD, combined with increasingly erratic behavior and constant plan changes, makes co-parenting nearly impossible. She isolates herself from everyone—her friends are gone, her extended family avoids her. I'm her only target left. It's parasitic in nature.

Once our son was born my then-spouse quit her job.  She did try some sales oriented MLM but it was barely profitable.  I filed 3 years later when nearing our 16th anniversary.

Isolation is an almost universal BPD pattern that progresses from acquaintances to friends to your family and then ultimately you.

The worst part is how it’s affected my health. I developed hypertension from the stress and chaos. I couldn’t even eat a peaceful meal in the house because of the yelling and disorganization. It was like living in a minefield. I truly believe I was on a fast track to a heart attack or worse if I didn’t get out. I'm in a much better place now.

Doctors warned I was becoming pre-diabetic which I attributed to all my stress (and drinking large sodas every day).  I always replied to the doctors that no one in my family had diabetes.  Well, now lots of people have that "metabolic dysfunction" disease but I still believe the extreme and unrelenting stress was a major cause of my poor health.

She was hospitalized last fall after experiencing alcohol-induced hallucinations and pancreatitis. Since then, her mental state has declined even further and she appears to have jaundice in her eyes.

Be sure to have documentation of of all her health issues, mental health issues and the hospitalization.  This may be a factor in you establishing that you are better able to parent your son.  Unless her lack of fitness for long term parenting is emphasized, court will likely consider the conflict as just "bickering" that basic separation and divorce will resolve.

Meanwhile, I’ve had our 4-year-old son living with me and my parents every other weekend. He does great when he's here —thriving in stability, showing signs of peace, but it's almost all undone when he goes back with his mom. It kills me that he’s already noticing the dysfunction, but also confirms to me that I’m doing the right thing.

Is there any way you can move up the amount of parenting time you now have with your son - before the initial hearing?  Since son is in daycare - in this situation a very good solution for him to associate with other children in a positive environment - you could transport him more often and try to keep him for more overnights.

Or if she has difficulty having him for long periods of time, you could offer to take most or all weekends.  And days in between.  While your state or court may claim to default to equal time, more common in recent years, if you're still having only alternate weekends with your son when you go to court, there is high risk the judge or magistrate will rubber stamp the current arrangement and order that she will be the initial Primary Parent.  At the very least make clear to the court that you are trying to get more time but your stbEx refuses to agree to it.  (Do you have documentation you can show the court where you have texted or written your spouse about that but she has refused?)

Basically court has clear procedures for dealing with joint assets and debts, it will work itself out.  What our sort of cases boil down to are addressing the custody and parenting time matters.  That should be your #1 primary focus now, especially at the very start* when you get a very brief temp order hearing... how to ensure you walk out with the most responsibility (custody) and most time (parenting schedule), well, as much as practical so that the pending temp order and eventual final order are "less bad".

* Your first hearing will likely result in the issuance of a temp order.  If it is anything like most here experienced, those hearing are brief, perhaps only a half hour, with little or no time to explain the dynamics of the dysfunction and that it is not mere bickering.  Sadly, our sort of cases with severe mental health issues often take longer than most and that "temporary" order will feel like forever.  Aim to position yourself well and seek the "least bad" temp order possible.

[PeteWitsend]

...
I’m currently in the middle of my second divorce filing from my wife—we’ve been married for 7 years, and I first filed nearly two years ago. Back then, I was baited back in emotionally and sexually, thinking maybe things could improve. They didn’t. They got worse. Much worse.

The day I finally left, we were arguing over something as small as me going to the store to pick up a few things for the house. She couldn’t handle the idea of me stepping out. She’s extremely controlling—just going on a jog or walking around the neighborhood would trigger paranoid accusations of affairs. That constant suspicion became the norm. Her emotions dominate every space she enters.

...

I also called off divorce once, with my eventual ex-wife apologizing for her behavior, admitting she was wrong, and promising she would finally get help for her behavior.

That new honeymoon lasted about a week before we were back in the same dynamic, and she was laughing the whole episode off as me - not her - being "too emotional of a person."

Needless to say, I'm much happier being apart from her after eventually following through with divorce, and even though co-parenting is often difficult, we have settled into long periods of no-conflict and on top of not having her in my life, that means I have a lot more peace and quiet than I did when I was married.

[fsoduck]

I am in a similar situation.  I have been married to my Cluster B (maybe BPD) personality wife for 26 years.  I filed for divorce over a year ago.  She disregarded the papers, and says my daughter threw them away so she "never say them."  Then in April, she started receiving service every week for discovery and started freaking out.  She has no lawyer.  She calls/texts me multiple times, demanding that I file for continuance so she can get a lawyer.  She called me 70 times in one day, and when I don't answer she has my adult daughter call me.  I told her yesterday I am not an obstacle to her getting a lawyer.  And left it there. Why an ostensibly intelligent woman with resources can't/won't hire an attorney is beyond me. 

Court date is set for mid-August. 

[ForeverDad]

She has no lawyer.  She calls/texts me multiple times, demanding that I file for continuance so she can get a lawyer.

While she's an adult and can figure this out for herself, there are four people who can file continuances, if you exclude the various professionals surround the court... Her, her lawyer, you, your lawyer.

It is not in your interests to involve yourself in actions that (1) delay the case or (2) she can do herself or with her lawyer.

On the one hand, never be nasty, do everything as though a judge is looking over your shoulder.  Beyond that, court doesn't care how helpful or unhelpful you are.  You're both adults.  The court basically is a referee to ensure the divorce process works.

On the other hand, be aware that some of our excellent qualities can sabotage us.  In particular, our sense of fairness to the point of being overly fair.  When we're trying to repair a relationship we need to share information as part of rebuilding trust.  If the relationship has failed then we need to acknowledge that we share only necessary information.  In divorces with children, that means basic financial matters and parenting information so co-parenting isn't blocked.  If you share too much then that extra information may be used against you to sabotage your efforts.