Sex Boundaries

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Hello! It's starting to feel like intercourse with my wife is a chore. I'm just really not looking forward to it anymore; I'd rather play Elden Ring.

-First of all, for context, she has been SA'd, and also sexual assaulted a bunch as a teenager, which really complicates things. I also had to teach her about foreplay.
- If I say "no," she'll probably split because "I don't love her."
- If I really want to and she doesn't, she'll split if I do it to myself, because again, "I don't love her/need her."
-At least once, she has actually tried to f*ck me while I was trying to sleep. I felt sore the next day cause she couldn't; I was too dry and tight, cause, well, I was trying to sleep :/ She complained cause I told her I'd do it "anytime"....I didn't think she'd do it at midnight on a worknight.
-If we actually do have intercourse, she wants two turns, when I only get one, and will split if I say I'm too tired. And if I look too tired while "assisting her" she'll split, too. It also feels like she only "assists me" so she can have her turn again. I just wish it could feel about me too, but she probably has trouble with that due to sexual trauma.
-It's difficult cause I know she's not doing it on purpose, and that it helps her regulate.
It's also rough because sometimes if I initiate, she flinches from SA related PTSD, and other times she splits on me for not initiating.

[BonfireLit]

Hello! It's starting to feel like intercourse with my wife is a chore. I'm just really not looking forward to it anymore; I'd rather play Elden Ring.

-First of all, for context, she has been SA'd, and also sexual assaulted a bunch as a teenager, which really complicates things. I also had to teach her about foreplay.
- If I say "no," she'll probably split because "I don't love her."
- If I really want to and she doesn't, she'll split if I do it to myself, because again, "I don't love her/need her."
-At least once, she has actually tried to f*ck me while I was trying to sleep. I felt sore the next day cause she couldn't; I was too dry and tight, cause, well, I was trying to sleep :/ She complained cause I told her I'd do it "anytime"....I didn't think she'd do it at midnight on a worknight.
-If we actually do have intercourse, she wants two turns, when I only get one, and will split if I say I'm too tired. And if I look too tired while "assisting her" she'll split, too. It also feels like she only "assists me" so she can have her turn again. I just wish it could feel about me too, but she probably has trouble with that due to sexual trauma.
-It's difficult cause I know she's not doing it on purpose, and that it helps her regulate.
It's also rough because sometimes if I initiate, she flinches from SA related PTSD, and other times she splits on me for not initiating.

[15years]

When it's like that sex can become mentally stressful, making it feel extra important not to upset your partner in any way if you want to avoid criticism. But ironically, worrying about avoiding that criticism often leads to the very criticism you’re trying to avoid.

At least, that’s been my experience.