I need to find support for how to deal with my adult daughter with BPD

[SheriInCO]

I'm confident that my daughter has BPD, though she doesn't admit it to me. Its the only thing that explains her very difficult feelings and behavior that is very frequently causing her and I major problems in our relationship. I'm so glad I found this site! I don't know anyone else that can relate to this and at times I feel crazy and very alone. But, after listening to audio books and researching BPD, I feel a little better. Yesterday morning through text my daughter blamed me for most of her problems and growing up in a "toxic home" because of me. She said she was going to cut me out of her life, and then last night she called and said she was sorry. That was great, but when I asked specifically what she was apologizing for, she said the "way" she said things, but she still believed all the things she said. I accepted her apology and apologized for "implying she lied" which was the start of the fight when I questioned her when she said she spent $1,000 on groceries and needed me to give her some money. Its so exhausting dealing with her.

My daughter is going through a divorce she doesn't want, being separated from her 8 and 4 year old daughters 1/2 the time, and was just fired from her job. So, she is extremely stressed and hurting. I really want some examples of specific language I can use to speak the truth in love (after showing her I support her and can empathize with her pain), but I can't tolerate her blaming me for her emotional problems, or when she distorts what I say. Through text during our fight, I just kept typing "Stop your abusive language to me", which just made things worse. I've tolerated her abuse by running away, taking timeouts, etc. I really feel like I need to stand up for myself and speak the truth about how she is making me feel. I've also done this in the past, but she twists it to my feelings are messed up and I'm making her out to be a terrible person, like I "always have". Any suggestions the next time this happens?

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[BPDstinks]

Hi!  I refer to the JADE examples I have learned through this group!  I do not have much by the way of advice, however, was motivated to respond because my 24 y/o daughter, pwBPD was diagnosed a little over 3 years ago & cut off ties with me, her father, her sister, her nieces (and abandoned her dog) so....the word TOXIC caught me eye, because she, too, has told people I am the reason for her issues (one example, that i was never there for her, as a child, because I was working so much (JADE or no JADE, I will NOT apologize for WORKING (and I know I rarely missed an activity with the kids) (though, she than said she was cutting ties because I enable her) so...I have now been labeled as toxic (I only know THIS because, to add more disorder to the situation, she now associates with ONLY, my mother, my sister and her niece.  BPD is a beast & I would not wish this on anyone...I wish you the very best in finding your answer and your situation.  Feel free to reach out

[CC43]

Hi there,

You must feel exhausted witnessing your daughter in such distress, while being the target of her ire.  I think that's typical for parents of adult children with BPD.

On the bright side, it sounds like you have a pretty good grasp of what is going on.  You pointed out that your daughter lost her job and is going through a divorce--either one of those issues would be very unsettling for anyone, and the stress is probably an order of magnitude greater for someone with BPD.  That she's experiencing both stresses simultaneously is even worse.  In fact, I would suspect that the destabilization around threatened divorce might have contributed to your daughter getting fired.  The workplace does not usually tolerate employees who demonstrate a negative attitude, have outbursts or bring outside problems to the job for very long.

In my opinion, perhaps the worst aspect of BPD behavior is the victim attitude.  That's because the person with BPD will blame other people for all their problems.  Typically they will blame their parents, accusing them of a terrible, toxic and/or abusive childhood.  They might think, their childhood was so messed up, how could they possibly cope as an adult?  They never asked to be born in the first place, and so the parents are responsible!  And yet, they find abusive and toxic people everywhere they go:  their roommates, romantic partners, spouses, bosses and co-workers.  It seems like they always find strife wherever they go, and they always find somebody else to blame.  Worse, if parents are constantly bailing them out (providing money, insurance, transportation, childcare, housing, etc.), not only do they feel incredibly entitled, but they also RESENT parents for making them feel so dependent!  And if everyone else is the cause of their misery, they never take any responsibility.  They feel powerless, stuck and incredibly frustrated with their situation(s).  Their emotions are all over the place, and they can't begin to problem-solve, let alone find the patience or perseverance to find a way forward.  At the end of the day, the victim attitude becomes learned helplessness--utter powerlessness over their life.  That must feel miserable indeed, which perpetuates their negative attitude.  In fact, I bet your daughter still feels like a child, deep down.  She still needs you and she hates herself (and therefore you) for that.  All that hatred you're feeling is probably hatred for herself, projected onto you.

Her habit of dredging up past grievances is a typical coping tactic.  It's distraction from the main issues, which are probably too painful for her to bear (e.g. unemployment, divorce, financial distress).  Moreover, by blaming you for the past grievances, she's trying to shed her responsibilities for her own problems.  If you understand that, then I'd say, you shouldn't take it so personally.  Nevertheless, it will still be hard to take, because what she says is so mean/distorted/irrational/immature!  You might ask, why is your daughter this way?  It's untreated BPD combined with stress, I assure you.

I see some silver linings in your post.  Your daughter needs you right now, and you are there for her.  She is not so ashamed about herself or what she's done that she's avoiding you completely.  In addition, you are communicating at some level.  You have a good idea of what is going on.  You could be her best ally in getting on a path towards a happier life.  I'd say, keep practicing your calmness, and don't get emotionally sucked in when she baits you.  Try not to JADE (justify, argue, defend or explain).  If she's sending mean texts, my read is that she's unleashing her frustrations onto you, and you can take it as a sign that she's really stressed out at the moment.  But you need not admonish her, correct her or engage her in a negative tirade by text, because she'll probably use that as evidence of your ongoing "abuse," or at the very least your lack of compassion.  I'd advise, just give her a time out.  She'll be back when she needs something.  Try to engage with her only when she's playing nice.

When my adult BPD stepdaughter goes into the abusive-childhood-blaming mode, she's deflecting.  She's also procrastinating!  She spent around four years ruminating and raging about the distant past, and she was miserable, making her family miserable right along with her.  It's like she was trying to drive on the highway of adulthood while only looking in a rearview mirror--a cracked one that distorted her perceptions.  By looking backwards, not forwards, she was bound for collisions!  She just couldn't get past the past.  The thing is though, she was miserable thinking about her version of the past, which she can't change anyway.  The only thing she can control is what she's doing right now.  Fortunately, she got some intensive therapy, and she's looking forwards now.  From time to time, she'll dredge up the distant past again, but now we will gently redirect her:  We know you have unresolved issues, and those issues can make you feel down/upset, but you can't change the past.  Texting about things that happened a decade ago, over and over again, didn't make you feel any better before, did it?  You don't want to let the past derail you right now, do you?  Let's keep the focus on TODAY.  You're upset about [unemployment], right?  We understand, it's frustrating to lose a job and lose income.  But maybe that last job wasn't a very good fit for you anyway.  The good news is, there are millions of jobs out there.  Remember, EVERYONE is unemployed sometimes.  You are not the first and only person to be looking for work.  What you can control is what you do about it.  What do you plan to do about it now?  How about submitting one application?  If you want, I can help you (update your resume with you, think of job titles, edit your cover letter, drive you to the local employment center).

I guess what I'm saying is that in the case of my stepdaughter, she will probably never abandon the narrative that her childhood was abusive.  And maybe it felt abusive to her, because of her BPD.  So I guess it's counterproductive to challenge her about the validity of her feelings.  But we do challenge her on her habit of using the alleged abusive childhood as an excuse for her current problems.  It's almost as if we have to re-train her way thinking, by getting it out of the past negative narratives and staying focused on the present, while relying on healthier coping mechanisms learned in therapy, and adopting a more positive attitude generally.  So we'll re-direct the conversation to the present, provide lots and lots of encouragement, and remind her to continue practicing all the healthy habits that she's learned to manage stress:  eat right, get some exercise, get regular sleep, etc.  And we load on the praise when she makes some progress moving forward, even if it's just a baby step.  But baby steps are steps in the right direction!

All my best to you.