Terribly depressed and regretful

[Parents! Get help here!]

Hi All. I'm having a terribly difficult time moving past my missteps as a parent, and regardless of what anyone says, I know that I played a role in the development of some of my daughter's problems. I'm overwhelmed with guilt and sadness all the time, and even though things seem to be improving, I'm also very traumatized by some things that have happened that I'm alway's bracing myself for the next shoe to drop, finding it challenging to live in the moment. The truth is, my daughter didn't exhibit ODD when she was young, and she wasn't a misbehaved child. By everyone's account she was happy and "normal"---- until she wasn't---- which started in 7th-8th grade. My first big regret is with down playing the concerns that she brought to me and not recognizing that she was sincerely having a lot of anxiety that needed to be addressed. I was more like the "toughen up butter cup" type. Then all PLEASE READ it the fan at the same time with her behavior going over the edge at the same time by dad was dying---- and directly following that, my husband (not her bio father) was diagnosed with a late stage terminal illness out of nowhere and died a month later. There were other factors at play as well, but suffice to say that I legitimately lost my mind for a while, and even had bouts of psychosis. I ended up sending my daughter away at the beginning of her freshman year of HS into a wilderness therapy program, followed by a "therapeutic boarding school" at the recommendation of the wilderness program, and of course, nothing but bad stuff came out of any of that. I truly believed at the time that these programs could help my daughter but they only made things worse. I now understand that at best they were incompetent, and at worst abusive, and are really part of the so-called troubled teen industry. There is no doubt that my daughter holds trauma exclusively from those programs, and it's pretty questionable that her issues would have escellated as they did or for the length of time had she not been put in them. So, when she got out, after I spent an ungoldly amount of money in effort to help her, she was returned to me far worse for the wear, and our relationship was in shambles. I could provide more details but it's pointless for the sake of my post. I'm at the point where I don't know if she ever would have been diagnosed with BPD had those programs never entered her life, and I'm still not sure that this is what she really has and/or I should even pay much attention to what research shows concerning BPD as far as it being a lifetime struggle. There were soooo many awful things happening at once, including COVID that I'm hopeful that time along with ongoing therapy, forgiveness, and getting back into a  "normal" age appropriate lifestyle like attending college will rid her of most of the BPD symptoms. She went so long without her mental health needs being properly addressed, while also in places that could only perpetuate problems---- then it took this BPD diagnosis for me to start making changes that really should have been there all along.  Maybe I'm just in denial. I'm just so regretful.

[In4thewin]

Hi All. I'm having a terribly difficult time moving past my missteps as a parent, and regardless of what anyone says, I know that I played a role in the development of some of my daughter's problems. I'm overwhelmed with guilt and sadness all the time, and even though things seem to be improving, I'm also very traumatized by some things that have happened that I'm alway's bracing myself for the next shoe to drop, finding it challenging to live in the moment. The truth is, my daughter didn't exhibit ODD when she was young, and she wasn't a misbehaved child. By everyone's account she was happy and "normal"---- until she wasn't---- which started in 7th-8th grade. My first big regret is with down playing the concerns that she brought to me and not recognizing that she was sincerely having a lot of anxiety that needed to be addressed. I was more like the "toughen up butter cup" type. Then all PLEASE READ it the fan at the same time with her behavior going over the edge at the same time by dad was dying---- and directly following that, my husband (not her bio father) was diagnosed with a late stage terminal illness out of nowhere and died a month later. There were other factors at play as well, but suffice to say that I legitimately lost my mind for a while, and even had bouts of psychosis. I ended up sending my daughter away at the beginning of her freshman year of HS into a wilderness therapy program, followed by a "therapeutic boarding school" at the recommendation of the wilderness program, and of course, nothing but bad stuff came out of any of that. I truly believed at the time that these programs could help my daughter but they only made things worse. I now understand that at best they were incompetent, and at worst abusive, and are really part of the so-called troubled teen industry. There is no doubt that my daughter holds trauma exclusively from those programs, and it's pretty questionable that her issues would have escellated as they did or for the length of time had she not been put in them. So, when she got out, after I spent an ungoldly amount of money in effort to help her, she was returned to me far worse for the wear, and our relationship was in shambles. I could provide more details but it's pointless for the sake of my post. I'm at the point where I don't know if she ever would have been diagnosed with BPD had those programs never entered her life, and I'm still not sure that this is what she really has and/or I should even pay much attention to what research shows concerning BPD as far as it being a lifetime struggle. There were soooo many awful things happening at once, including COVID that I'm hopeful that time along with ongoing therapy, forgiveness, and getting back into a  "normal" age appropriate lifestyle like attending college will rid her of most of the BPD symptoms. She went so long without her mental health needs being properly addressed, while also in places that could only perpetuate problems---- then it took this BPD diagnosis for me to start making changes that really should have been there all along.  Maybe I'm just in denial. I'm just so regretful.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Sancho]

Hi In4thewin
I know you feel that no matter what others say, you still will feel guilt, sadness and responsible for the difficulties your DD has faced. I think that many of those who come to this site can identify with how you are feeling. We journey in life with our children – from being totally responsible for their very daily existence to a time when they take their place in the world.

There is no actual point where we say ‘Ok I hand over responsibility now’ and when a child suddenly opposes us etc, we are completely lost and of course we go looking for an answer – something that can help our loved child to hold on to a direction that will lead them to a positive and fulfilling future.

I know what I am going to say probably will not help – but it is what I am thinking from reading your post.

Firstly so much happened that was totally out of your control. I am not sure how anyone could cope with losing such important people in their lives as well as dealing with a teenager in oppositional mood. What a challenge! It seems like you were being hit emotionally and physically from all directions.

I went through a time of deep regret but came through it by using a sentence that you have used:

 ‘I truly believed at the time that these programs could help’

Still when I think back I can feel sick in the stomach sometimes at the thought of why I did such and such or why didn’t I do . . .

My version of your sentence is ‘I did the best I could do at that point in time’.  I cut myself short from thinking too much about the past because I think it is true for everyone who comes here – we truly believed at a point in time that we were doing something that could help.

I read an interview with Jacinda Adern the other day and she was talking about all the criticism she got over covid decisions she made. Then she said ‘People saw the decisions I made but they never saw the options that I had at the time’.

I had no understanding when I made lots of decisions in relation to DD – they were the ones I thought were the best from the options I had at the time.

You ‘truly believed . . . ‘ – no one can do more than that.

[In4thewin]

Thanks Sancho.

[Diamond60]

I’ve always lurked and just joined today.  I am in the same boat with wilderness/TBS and TTI.  When my son is raging he throws all of that back at me despite times when we’ve discussed it and he understood and accepted apology.  When he is kind of “failing at life” he really lashes out and excepts “reparations”, wants to sue us etc… He’s 26 and shows all the classic BPD signs (it was written in his chart at a hospital).  I totally feel all your pain and regret

[SoVeryConfused]

Hi,
I just wanted to echo what Sancho has said - no parent is prepared for children with mental health issues. It's scary. I'm sure you did the best you could; listening to what experts said would help. I'm sure you felt confused and scared and at a loss on how to help her, and this seemed like it would keep her safe.  I can absolutely understand why you would make those choices - you loved your child and didn't know then what you know now.

I look back on the decisions I made. Some, I do detect selfishness or impatience behind them, and I ask for forgiveness for those. But others, even if they proved to be incorrect, I know I did with the best intentions. I bet that's where you were. And if you know in your heart that you were trying your best to help her when you felt ill-equipped, then that is all any human can do.

We are not God - we don't have the full picture - so we do the best that we can with what we know. Give yourself grace, and put your energy into now. You have another opportunity now.