I am at breaking point with my bpd daughter

[Brokenparent]

I guess, like all Mothers of a beautiful bpd daughter who you love so much, you reach breaking point. And here I am. Nowhere to turn, so tired of my kindness, love and devotion being abused.

I am desperate to understand why my daughter seems to enjoy punishing me, usually after an act of me showing love or kindness or something along those lines.

She is 24, a married Mother of a precious little 1year old. I do everything I possibly can to show love and support but it feels like I’m in the same abusive relationship with her that I was with her alcoholic father who passed away a few years ago from alcohol abuse.

I am struggling to cope emotionally and I just don’t know how to carry on. Every time I start to feel like I am getting somewhere with her and I start to feel happy, it’s as if she enjoys wiping the smile off my face and I cannot understand why she resents me so much.

This does sound like I’m making it all about me but believe you me, it’s usually all about her. I understand all the fears that come with BPD and I have done a lot of research to do my best to help her but it’s very hard when you are caught up in this abusive cycle of being punished regularly.

I know I have to start protecting myself and set boundaries but I have such a soft heart and she knows how to manipulate me.If I try to assert myself, I get shot down in flames.

My health is starting to suffer as I have recently been diagnosed with heart problems etc etc.

I am hoping to get some answers on this forum as I have nowhere else to turn. I can’t afford a therapist. I have spent whatever money I had on her care and therapy. How do I harden my heart towards my child that I love so much? How do I help her without being constantly punished? It’s making me physically ill and very depressed.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Sancho]

Hi Brokenparent
The journey with a loved BPD child is enough to bring any parent to breaking point. The rollercoaster ride of being able to connect, then cut off or abused, wanted then not – on it goes.

It is such a confusing illness because of the mood swings, the inability to recognize how much love is/has been given to them – indeed how fortunate they are to have someone who loves them so much in their life.

I do not think that you have to harden your heart – but we all have to change within ourselves to walk beside our loved BPD child. Each one of us has a different situation and some things are helpful in one situation and perhaps not in another. I can only mention the things that have helped me on a journey from being an absolute wreck of anxiety to understanding and coping.

One thing was realizing that my DD was wired differently. When I got those frantic calls with a problem that had to be fixed NOW – well I used to panic up myself and get to in order to fix it. In the end whenever the phone rang I went into panic attack mode.

Somehow I came to realize that DD needed time and space for her emotions to go from high alert to near to normal. So I started not to answer the first call and wait to see. With mobile phones I don’t necessarily answer a phone call if DD has not left a message.

I know that DD reaches for her phone immediately something happens or is said. With no response the emotion can pass. So that has been very helpful. Realizing that I can help her more by giving her space than I can stepping in and trying to solve the problem.

Another thing is to jump off the rollercoaster ride that BPD takes you on. At first I saw this as not being drawn into the deep pain of my DD – but then I saw that it also meant I had to be careful when things seemed good. When things were good, then I would take a step too far and offer advice or something – and DD would be set off.

I think I operated in a way of ‘I love DD therefore I need to make it better and solve things’, but of course I can’t. So I have had to change so much about myself – but the love for my DD has not changed.

I came across a poem by Nelson Mandela called ‘Letting go’. If you can find it on the internet, have a read, choose one or two of the sentences and repeat them over and over to yourself. This was an enormous help to me.

If you can’t find the poem let me know and I will post it here. It changed so much for me.
Thinking of you . . .

[CAP1960]

Broken Parent
This is exactly what they want.  Your instincts are correct.  I sent an email to you in the hope that we can connect that way, as I have some knowledge to share.  In the meantime, you do not have to walk alongside the personality disordered person.  You do not have to keep the porch light on.  You do not have to keep taking abuse from your daughter.   My health suffered too and thank goodness, I think I'm alright.  My daughter is 39 years old and I have been suffering with her and at the hands of her for far too long.  It will take time and practice to adopt new beliefs about yourself but it is possible.  This forum is a good place to hear the stories of so many who have suffered alongside you.  I look forward to connecting.   

[Brokenparent]

Thank you Sooooo Much to both of you. This has helped me already. I will be in touch.

[SoVeryConfused]

I'm sorry for what you are going through. It's so hard and confusing. And we miss our kids.

I don't have things all figured out, but one thing that has become clear from the different resources and parent/loved one groups I read is that if we are not careful, our loved one can torpedo our lives and our happiness. Now, that might seem like an ok trade for a mom if the child got better or things improved in the end. But, from what I see, without treatment, that usually does not happen and the result if the loved one is destroyed and the child continues undeterred in their behavior and rages. It my case, it seems it's getting worse.

I can't think of a single story in which a parent giving up everything to try and soothe the adult child has come out healthy and happy in the end. Often, they go NC of their own choice as a final resort after years of putting up with rage, just to finally save themselves. And a good number of them will comment that they wish they did it sooner.

That does not mean it's advised - but it's a cautionary tale for all of us that if we don't get boundaries in place and take care of our oxygen mask, that's is the likely outcome down the road. My therapist has said that boundaries are essential for me if I WANT to maintain any relationship. Otherwise, it will likely be destroyed eventually.

So, please do care for yourself and consider what you want out of your life too.

[js friend]

Hi Brokenparent,

Iam late to this thread but I can recognise my own dd's behaviours in your post. My udd31 resents me too but has never said why so we have never had a discussion why she feels this way towards me.

She has also had some really  beautiful friendships in the past with some really loving people when she was younger and then thrown it all away by being truly awful towards them and hurting  them in the worse possible ways. It has been really painful to watch especially knowing that my udd has  possibly scared them for life.

I think pwbpd often behave this way because in their disordered thinking that it is better to drive the good loving  people away first before they get found out and get abandoned themselves which is their ultimate fear. I also think that from because their moods shift so frequently that we can never know what is coming next and that maybe what is happening here with you and your udd.

I believe that boundaries are important and you are on the right track.

They take some getting use to using them  and will probably be difficult at first for your dd  to receive them as it will be a new change but try to stick with it. They are  there to protect you rather than to punish your udd or to diminish the love you feel for her.  I think that I would have literally lost my mind if I hadnt enforced firm boundaries with my udd. Try to focus on your health and ways to reduce your stress levels and try to do something that makes YOU happy at least once a day. In my case my boundaries have definitely reduced my stress and improved my overall health.