How do I make my family understand my child's BPD diagnosis and impact...

[Tiredmomof4]

Hello everyone!

I was given this site from someone a while ago and was happy to have found it again while looking through my bookmarks!

I have a 19yo child who has BPD and it has caused a huge rift in my family.  I have four daughters with whom I haven't spoken in at least a year because of how they think I'm treating their sister.  Unfortunately, I had to be hospitalized, and it was serious, but it at least brought my eldest child back to me, and we have since repaired our relationship.  The other three hardly cared that I was in the hospital, possibly facing brain surgery, and didn't visit or reach out.

I feel as if she has turned them against me (especially the one she is closest to), so I am here on an island all alone.  I've tried to explain to them the impact this has had on me mentally, but they only seem to think of how she feels, and since I'm the "Mom" I should be able to handle myself better.  But honestly, BPD is abusive, and my child has physically, mentally, and emotionally abused me, and it doesn't seem like they get it.  All I asked for was support from my family in the way of trying to talk to my child about her behavior, but I was told that I was being controlling.  Sorry for the long and somewhat vague post, but I'm running out of characters!  Thanks for listening.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Pook075]

Hello and welcome to the family.  I remember these struggles when my BPD daughter was around that age- family members outside our home couldn't fathom what we were dealing with internally.  I have a lot of sympathy for what you're going through.

Question- what books have you read so far?  And what have you tried discussing with your other children?

For me personally, the biggest growth in handling this aspect was when my BPD daughter moved out of my home.  At first, I felt like a failure but at the same time, all the chaos instantly vanished.  It let me realize that I was responsible for my own life and I could not control what my daughter said or did.  I had to let her face the world on her own terms and come to her own conclusions...it wasn't on me to "save her" from herself.

By doing this, other family members saw more of what I experienced because the chaos was no longer limited to just my home.  They too had to see it firsthand to understand what it was like, and many bridges were burned that year as my kid tried taking advantage of everyone.  I'm happy to say that those relationships were repaired in time, but it's certainly not easy in the moment.

For now, hopefully you're learning to place your own needs above your child's, especially when it comes to mental health.  This is not your fight, not directly anyway, and your daughter will come to terms with all of this on her own terms.  It may take months, years, or decades...you can't be fighting those battles with her firsthand.  At some point you'll have to step back and break free from her orbit.

Do you have any specific questions that the community can answer?  Please ask away or feel free to just vent.  This is a safe place and you're among friends.