New Therapist not helping with day-to-day struggles with uHwBPD

[JazzSinger]

After helping me move towards seeing myself leaving my H, my new therapist continues to share a lot about how she left her 2nd abusive ex-husband. I think that sort of sharing is fine here, but as I plan my exit, I need some hand- holding and support with my day-to-day at home. Am I wrong to expect that?

While in one visit, she helped me decide that I need to work on getting out, I rarely got a word in edgewise.  The second session was more of the same, except she gave me some tips on how to find affordable housing for myself.  She told me about areas in the region where I could look. I really appreciated her real estate tips, but I didn’t get to say much during this session either. She talks a lot about herself, and what she went through with an abusive man.  I get it, but that’s not what I need.  My prior therapist was much more receptive and worked more closely with me, but she has moved on. 

I really need a therapist I can talk to as I move through life with this very difficult uHwBPD.   I think I’m going to have to keep searching for a one. 

Just sharing. 

Thanks for listening. 

Jazz

[CC43]

Hi Jazz,

That your new therapist talks more than listens doesn’t sound quite right. I’d also worry that she’s projecting her own experience onto you, without taking enough time to understand your own needs. Though it can help to hear from someone who « gets it, » you probably need deeper emotional support right now. I’d think a therapist would provide support primarily of the emotional kind, whereas other experts could focus on logistical and/or legal support. Maybe the current therapist isn’t the right fit for you now.

We’re here for you. I hope you continue to find the strength to try to get to a better place, whatever that looks like. I’m a big believer in trying to recognize how needs change in different life phases. Whereas staying married makes sense in one moment, at some point the drawbacks can outweigh the benefits, even when you’ve tried your very best to get help and make things work. The person who can best weigh the pros and cons is you, because only you have all the information and know your priorities. A good therapist might help you see the whole picture, but you are the one who draws it. I just hope you realize that you are worth it and deserve to be happy  Maybe not happy every moment, but most of the time. All the best to you.

[JazzSinger]

Hi Jazz,

That your new therapist talks more than listens doesn’t sound quite right. I’d also worry that she’s projecting her own experience onto you, without taking enough time to understand your own needs. Though it can help to hear from someone who « gets it, » you probably need deeper emotional support right now. I’d think a therapist would provide support primarily of the emotional kind, whereas other experts could focus on logistical and/or legal support. Maybe the current therapist isn’t the right fit for you now.

We’re here for you. I hope you continue to find the strength to try to get to a better place, whatever that looks like.

CC43,

Thanks so much.  You’re right.

I believe this woman is projecting her experience onto me, and she’s not listening.  The minute I mentioned my abusive H, it was all about leaving, and more specifically, about how she left her abusive husband. She gave numerous details — TMI.   

I definitely need deeper emotional support.  I deserve it.  Dealing with my H is enough — I’m not interested in managing a therapist!  Can’t get a word in edgewise with her, and can’t talk to my H either!

Also, when I’m ready, I’ll put a real estate broker on the case. That shouldn’t be the job of my therapist.  She was going to send me links to a couple of listings.  The  listings have  yet to materialize, but really?  Right now, I need help with my decisions, and so much more.

Thanks again, CC43.

Jazz

[maxsterling]

Perhaps my situation is viewed differently because I am a man, or because I haven't specifically told my T whether or not I plan to leave.  She works with me on day-to-day strategies of self-care, recognizing how emotionally and physically depleted I am.  Things like going for walks, finding ways to keep me away from the negativity, encouraging me to keep my engagements with BPDw minimal, etc.  If I asked her for exit strategies, I am sure she would help me with that.  But she does not push me in one way or another, she just reminds me of how this is affecting my health and our children's emotional well-being.

My sister, on the other hand, who was a target of BPDw's rage last week, is now sending me all kinds of information about abusive relationships.  I certainly appreciate her input, but I am careful to illustrate to her the complexity of the situation. 

Ending a marriage with a pwBPD is not a simple task.  One has to consider his/her own safety in when the pwBPD pulls out all the dirty tricks in response to the breakup.  That sometimes means "putting on a happy face" or not being totally truthful in order to preserve some kind of peace until you are ready.  Sometimes I will tell my T that I feel horrible not sharing certain things with my W or having the types of engagements or conversations that would normally happen in a marriage.  She reminds me that my W is extremely disordered and incapable of a normal marriage and I have to come up with strategies that work and those may not be strategies that seem fair or loving from an outside perspective.  An example would be to make decisions without discussion either before or after the decision.  Last weekend I told my W that I was going to an Alanon meeting for the first time in 10 years.  I gave her an hour notice, didn't give a reason other than I wanted to go, and told her when it was and when I would be back.  I didn't discuss it further.  In a relationship with a healthy partner, I might have discussed this with her beforehand or possibly invited her along. 

[Notwendy]

I don't feel qualified to assess a therapist but I think a goal of therapy is to be an objective sounding board with the skills to guide a person to their own choice and decision rather than to tell them what to do (unless the person is in imminent physical danger). There also needs to be a "match"- you need to feel you can communicate with this person.

There are two options here. One is to speak up- and let her know you feel this plan is too fast for you and that you want more emotional support in the relationship. The other is to seek out a different therapist that you do feel you can communicate better with.

For Max- I also was a concerned family member looking at my BPD mother's behavior. I understand your sister's perspective. She cares about you. For the most part, BPD mother's behavior was a kept family secret- one we were not to reveal. She could hold it together for short term family get togethers. Now your family has seen a bigger picture.

What I see at risk here is your relationship with your family. Karpman triangle dynamics. Your wife will perceive herself as a victim of your family members and rally you to her side as rescuer against them. They are "on" to her- which also likely causes her some embarrassment.

I naively stepped in like your sister is doing - as I was naive about the dynamics and the Karpman triangle. It was out of love and concern for my father. There was no malicious intent. But to BPD mother- this felt like a threat. My wish for you and your sister is that, since she acted out of love, she won't lose the connection with you over this.

You are correct in that these are complicated relationships. I am glad for you that you are working with a therapist for support and have developed strategies for carving out a place for you as an individual. I am glad you went to Al Anon.

[once removed]

One is to speak up- and let her know you feel this plan is too fast for you and that you want more emotional support in the relationship.

therapists operate on so many different feels that they get about us, past clients, etc.

have you communicated this, directly?

[JazzSinger]

Ending a marriage with a pwBPD is not a simple task.  One has to consider his/her own safety in when the pwBPD pulls out all the dirty tricks in response to the breakup.  That sometimes means "putting on a happy face" or not being totally truthful in order to preserve some kind of peace until you are ready.  Sometimes I will tell my T that I feel horrible not sharing certain things with my W or having the types of engagements or conversations that would normally happen in a marriage.  She reminds me that my W is extremely disordered and incapable of a normal marriage and I have to come up with strategies that work and those may not be strategies that seem fair or loving from an outside perspective.  An example would be to make decisions without discussion either before or after the decision. 

Max

Thanks so much for sharing. 

I’m definitely putting on a “happy face” a lot these days, since, sadly, my H has destroyed any love I had for him.

I’m being totally secretive — He has no idea that I’m planning to get out.  He’d blow up.  I can’t say anything to him until I am at the point of selling the apartment, at which time I’m sure I’ll need to get law enforcement involved.  It’s scary, but I’m desperate to live out my golden years in peace. I’ve gotta do what I’ve gotta do to reach my goal.  He’s not normal, so this can’t be handled normally, and it’s ok.  It’s fair, in a way, because he’s far from fair or balanced when he relates to me — See what I mean?

Thanks again for sharing. Good luck to you. 

[JazzSinger]

There are two options here. One is to speak up- and let her know you feel this plan is too fast for you and that you want more emotional support in the relationship. The other is to seek out a different therapist that you do feel you can communicate better with.

Thanks, NotWendy.

I think since I struggle so much at home with my H, I don’t have the energy to have a discussion with this therapist about what I need. I’d have to fight just to get a word in edgewise. She’s not really working with me, in my opinion.  She’s venting about her ex. 

I’m done. 

The organization I’m working with has already found someone new for me.

Thanks again.

Jazz