Is DBT a non-negotiable?

[Zosima]

No children with my uBPDw, married <1 year, met 2 years ago. My wife has unraveled significantly over the course of the last year and I’m struggling with the decision to stick with her or not. She started DBT a little over 4 months ago but in the last 5 weeks she stopped going to the skills/tools class and is just going to the talk therapy sessions. She had lots of excuses for it, but it comes down to a choice and prioritizing. She has said that those classes trigger the most shame because they seem pathetic. It also comes down to very specific actions—you’re either trying the tools in a spiral or not. She can’t avoid the ambiguity as well with that. Since I found out I’m having a harder time justifying all of the effort I’m putting in. I’m validating and validating, communicating with the SET-UP method, keeping clear, compassionate boundaries, getting therapy… Carrying the weight of this dilemma (compassion vs self-preservation) is brutal, and it’s harder still when she is avoiding treatment and accountability. She’s still very resistant to structured treatment or groups of any kind. She even suggested dropping the frequency of DBT to once every other week. It makes her pleas for me to be patient and insistence that she’s trying everything ring hollow.

Does anyone with experience have any insight as to how important DBT is? I know that if she’s not ready to face it, merely attending won’t help much. But are her hopes for practical things like a job and social circle being the catalyst for change realistic? Or is it just stalling/deflecting? I can hang with her if she’s on the pat past the point of surrender, but I don’t know that I can stay when it’s just enabling avoidance and costing me more than I can afford, financially, emotionally, creatively…