Attachment and Favorite Person (FP)

[In4thewin]

My BPD diagnosed daughter has significant attachment issues that have continued to manifest as a primary (exclusive really) goal of finding and retaining a boyfriend. This drive of hers overrides everything else in her life, at any given moment, and in her setting and starting to work on any life goals. She has gone from one "relationship" to the next from meeting guys online, and all are pretty short lived, which I believe mostly stems from the fact that she comes on too strong, too soon, and she makes herself available to the point where anyone with a "life" ends up figuring out that something is just "off". Although she has an apartment (I pay for it), she doesn't have a job and won't look for one, and she has been playing games revolving around attending college or starting at a cosmetology school for over a year since graduating from HS and taking a "gap year". At this point however, she was going to start taking a few classes online at a community college this fall through a pathways program, but I just found out today that she intentionally didn't do the online orientation a couple days ago, which was needed in order for her to actually register for the classes. She lied about what was going on for two days until I called the school myself today and it became clear that she was feeding me a line of BS. Now she is saying that she really just wants to do cosmetology, but when I ask her to provide me with a single piece of information about the school, her chosen program, etc..... it's crickets. Keep in mind that I told her very clearly multiple times that I didn't care what she pursued but that she WAS going to be entered into some kind of program this fall or have a solid job, because otherwise I was going to cut off her weekly food allowance and she'd need to apply for SNAP. Understand that there is absolutely NOTHING that is really prohibiting her from making strides forward except for her singular goal of finding and maintaining a "relationship", which is the only thing she focuses on aside from TiK Tok etc, and she goes about in a really unhealthy and counterproductive way. So...... for the past few weeks or so, she has been seeing yet another guy, and spending every possible moment she can with him. Once again she's behaving like she's is head over heels, playing house over at his place, and she's centering her entire existence around his. My take is that she didn't do the orientation and she's pussy footing around about cosmetology and/or getting a job, because in her mind, any of those things jeopardizes her ability to spend time with him when he might be available. Truly. I have no choice but to believe that this is the truth and I am beyond frustrated and feeling totally cornered into drawing lines in the concrete. Please offer me some words or advice. I'd be particularly interested in hearing from anyone who has a child with similar issues when it comes to attachment.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Swimmy55]

Hi,
I truly hate when BPD / mental illness messes the best laid plans.  At this point  you are right in that you have to focus on your own boundaries.  Good for you about the food and having to go on SNAP.  As much as it pains you, she has to see reality somehow. Right now her BPD is making the boyfriend the be all and end all of everything , derailing her plans.  You have to take a hard look on how you will continue to support her. 

With my son , he was distracted /caught up with substance abuse along with his BPD.   It came to a head when he got violent with me and he had to leave my house.  Even afterward,  I still was paying his car insurance, his credit cards, etc.   I didn't have the heart to cut everything all at once, but I did eventually cut things out .   I think you are on the right ( even though painful ) path.   I am not sure what else you are paying for her, but slowly remove the paying of the things if she continues to skip school orientations, chances to better herself.  See how she responds at each step.    Boundaries that you can live with , is the key here.  She needs to understand you cannot subsidize her life through adulthood. 

[kells76]

Hi from me too 

I told her very clearly multiple times that I didn't care what she pursued but that she WAS going to be entered into some kind of program this fall or have a solid job, because otherwise I was going to cut off her weekly food allowance and she'd need to apply for SNAP.

I have a similar question as Swimmy55: do you think you will be able to follow through on what you've said?

If so, and if you have a hard deadline (i.e. September 30th), I wonder if you can start giving some gentle heads-up reminders, maybe every 2 weeks (or whatever feels right)

"Just letting you know that on September 30th, we won't be able to give you $X every week any more, unless you're in school."

"Just reminding you that our budget will change on September 30th. Do you want to keep receiving $X per week until then, or do you want me to start tapering it down, so you can get used to the change?"

Like you said, you've communicated clearly your requirements for her to receive the money. Honestly, I wonder if it might help both of you if you stopped trying to get her to do those school/cosmetology things?

As long as you can follow through with your deadline, then that gives her the freedom to choose a path (even if it's not what you would want for her), and it releases you from the negative role of "nagger" and gives you the freedom not to drag an unwilling horse to water.

I also wonder if she'd be receptive to hearing something from you like: "Hey Daughter, I know I've been reminding you of a lot lately about school and cosmetology. Would you like it better if I backed off, or does it help you when I push?"

If you can let go of needing one or the other outcome, it could be interesting to change the dynamic that way.

She may end up making lots of choices that you would prefer that she not make... but it also seems like right now, trying to make her do anything is increasing the tension between you two, and neither of you really want that.

Boundaries that you can live with , is the key here.

Yes!

[CC43]

I feel your frustration.  I'm in a similar situation with my adult BPD stepdaughter right now, who finally managed to graduate from college, after years of study plus therapy which tended to go in fits and starts.  Though it's a huge accomplishment, she hasn't managed a full-time work/study schedule since high school, and it shows.  Now, her college health plan is coming to a close, as is the lease on her apartment, and she's supposed to be looking for a job.  Though she makes some half-hearted attempts, she is too picky and too easily discouraged.  She has all sorts of objections to potential jobs, and yet she can't articulate what she does want, probably because she has no idea, given her extremely limited work history and overall negativity.  I think she spends maybe 20 minutes a day searching for work, and the rest of the time she acts like she's on vacation--going on trips, going to the beach, scrolling endlessly, taking lots of naps, actively procrastinating.  She says she wants to move to one of the most expensive cities in the US, apparently because it has a better dating scene, and when she talks about it, she references popular TV shows which glorify unrealistic lifestyles.  Granted, she's not as boy-obsessed as your daughter, but she is obsessed with her looks.  Her priorities seem to be getting cosmetic treatments, and right now she's begging for major cosmetic surgery.  I think her priorities are all messed up, and that she's very naive about how she'd cope in a distant, expensive city which is far from her support system.  Her plan seems to be to get surgery, then move to the city, then find and keep a job with insurance, which is the reverse of what she should be doing.  I fear she'll run out of options and end up moving in with me, which would be a disaster, not least because her lack of progress in the job hunt will become all the more apparent.  I've offered countless times to help her in her job search, but she doesn't want my help, probably because (a) she'd have to face reality, not fantasy; (b) she'd have to spend some of her "vacation" working on the job hunt, and (c) when she got a job, she'd have to actually start working, and her prolonged adolescence would come to an end.

I would like my husband to wean her off our financial support, so that she starts to feel some pressure to get on a track towards supporting herself, especially now, as a recent graduate, when her candidacy for an entry-level job is probably at its prime.  We have supported her 100% for a very long time in her extended adolescence, and my husband had to work well past retirement to do so.  If she extends this vacation much longer, I fear she'll think she's entitled to go on vacation indefinitely . . . I think it's not fair to the other siblings, either.  Moreover, if she's living with us, she will refuse to see any other family, which makes holidays and family dynamics even more stressful than they already are (for the past few years, we've arranged for separate holidays just with her because she claims the rest of the family is "toxic").  I'm at the point of saying, if she moves in, we can't support three retired people, and one of us absolutely has to work.  You know who that should be, but in the meantime, what do you propose we do?

Anyway, I understand that underlying all this procrastination is volatile emotions plus anxiety, and to some extent the disordered thinking patterns that mess with priorities.  But man, it also seems unfair that these pseudo "adults" get to make decisions about their lives and yet expect the parents to face the consequences . . . I mean, if I'm paying, I think I should get to make the major decisions.  If she doesn't like that, fine, she can chose to go her own way, and she should be the one who foots the bills and faces the consequences.  Yet it's difficult to let her go her own way, because in all probability she'd end up dead.

[Notwendy]

 I have a friend who has a daughter like this. This young woman is very pretty and always has to have a boyfriend. She reminds me of my BPd mother who also was attractive. In her era, finding a husband was the "normal" singular goal of a young woman then. Women were not expected to work outside the home in her day so this focus was normalized.

I think this is beyond attachment and FP- I think it's survival and a socially normalized way to get extraordinary emotional needs met. I think the lying is also about avoiding shame. For my BPD mother- finding a husband was her main hope- she could not have held a job. She was intelligent, but emotionally so disordered. She was highly anxious. It interfered with her ability to function.

This young lady, after trial and error was able to complete a certificate of some sorts and manage an entry level job. He parents cover her apartment rent. The  "have the boundary you can manage" is their situation as at one point she was on the streets in a dangerous situation.

But what my mother had, and this young woman has- is that they have such high anxiety they can not handle being alone. It's unbearable for them. Having a boyfriend is a socially "normal" mask for this need, even if it's not normal. A lot of the lying, masking, I saw my BPD mother do was a way to avoid the shame of her emotional struggles.

When this young woman is without a boyfriend, she goes to stay with her brother and sleeps on his couch.  There is nothing romantic about this for her- she can't handle being alone. He knows this. She isn't between boyfriends for long. I didn't see this aspect of my mother until after my father passed away. Being alone was difficult for her.

I don't think you can do anything about the boyfriend chasing. In some cases, it may even be a longer term situation, albeit not an easy one but it happens. I do think you can have boundaries but they may be smaller steps than you anticipate- but your D does need to find some way to contribute to her support. It may be that she needs to visit a career counselor at the community college to help find a job path that works for her. This is difficult- I see my friend struggle and it's small steps with her daughter. I don't have advice except to - not listen so much to the lies- they may be shame avoidance. Find something your D can do, and have boundaries that you can manage and attainable goals for her.