Tricks to not care so much

[mitten]

Since finding this site and reading all the resources over the past 5 years I've learned so much.  However, I'm still so afraid of making people (especially my BPD wife) angry.  Does anyone have any tricks they use to not care so much if people are angry at them?  I've always been conflict avoidant and needed/wanted people to not be upset with me- which is probably how I ended up in a BPD relationship in the first place. 

For example - I want to propose doing something with my siblings from out of town, and know my family is a big trigger for my wife so she will explode.  How do I not care so much that she will be angry at me? 

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[kells76]

Hi mitten;

I also struggle with fearing that others will be angry with or around me.

There was probably a period of my life in childhood where it was very important that I not make people upset (for my own survival). So, I'm pre-wired to avoid conflict. My body also tells me through how it feels, that I'll feel better when people aren't angry, and I'll physically feel worse if people are angry.

I wonder if there is a part of your past, where it was really important that you not make people angry, or where anger was frightening or overwhelming to you, or felt unsurvivable.

These messages helped us for a long time. Now that we're adults, we still get those messages, even though we may not need to be so careful or so vigilant any more. We still "feel like" it is life or death to avoid setting others off.

It is a difficult thing to work with.

Would you say that logically/rationally you are aware that you can survive someone's anger, it's more that it doesn't feel that way? Or is there another description that fits better?

[dtkm]

I have struggled with this as well, and have worked really hard on this. Several years ago, my therapist told me that my uBPDh’s outbursts have nothing to do with me, they come from something that is off inside him. While logically I knew that was true, I still couldn’t separate myself from my uBPDh’s outbursts. I started to observe the time around his outbursts and saw that while I was the one who got the brunt of the blow, others (my kids, my step daughter, my parents, his coworkers, the lady who didn’t say thank you to him as he held the door for her)…they all got something thrown their direction as well. I also started to notice a pattern of things in the house getting put away in strange places when my uBPDh was having his outbursts…ice cream in the pantry, vitamins in the freezer, cinnamon in the key cabinet, etc. I also would try to put myself in my H’s shoes, to see if I would react the same way. 99% of the time the answer was no. All of these things started to line up and I started to believe that this didn’t have anything to do with me.  This took me years to truly believe. Then I had to figure out how to psychologically separate myself from getting sucked in or walking on egg shells. To this day, every outburst from my uBPDh I literally tell myself that this is his and has nothing to do with me and I need to let him regulate himself on his own. I repeat in my head or write a text that I know I won’t send what I really want to say to him to get it all out of me, I then respond with a neutral loving statement (I am really sorry you feel that way, the kids and I will miss you, I am here if you need anything, etc) and then I move forward with my day. There are days where I don’t want to move forward, I want to “fix it” but I remind myself that I have tried that so many times and it just makes it worse. The best outcome for me has been to realize this is his issue, let him deal with himself on his own, respond with a loving neutral statement and to continue on with my day…at least physically…even if I am a wreck mentally, I don’t let him know!