How to leave safely?

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

My wife's tantrum yesterday scared the hell out of me and I'm leaning toward divorce. She is resisting DBT and not accepting the full responsibility for her behavior, and that's just too far from anything I can sustain for years longer. I'm just don't have the emotional stability to handle spirals that big and dysregulated. I'm also scared of her getting pregnant, since I've seen in this forum how much more complicated things get with kids in the picture.

How did you all go about finally doing it? I'm terrified of her reaction now, and she has completely isolated herself here. She's from another country, where her friends and family are, and she has only made one fairly casual friend here who I wouldn't imagine is someone to step in to help. I'm worried she might hurt herself, or do something else drastic. She hasn't ever threatened anything like that before, but she was so out of control yesterday, jumping up and down, stomping on the floor, yelling... And she made a comment about taking 10 sleeping pills to just wake up tomorrow and erase the day. I haven't heard back from her DBT center yet, which is frustrating, but it may be the holiday. Or it may be because I'm not their client—she is. They may be cautious about advising me. I have bare bones therapy through Kaiser, but they're not available for emergencies. My old therapist did respond and recommended I look into an inpatient center for my wife, but I can't imagine she'll be open to that when she's already resisting just twice weekly DBT sessions and she'd have to quit her new job. I'm totally lost here...

[Zosima]

My wife's tantrum yesterday scared the hell out of me and I'm leaning toward divorce. She is resisting DBT and not accepting the full responsibility for her behavior, and that's just too far from anything I can sustain for years longer. I'm just don't have the emotional stability to handle spirals that big and dysregulated. I'm also scared of her getting pregnant, since I've seen in this forum how much more complicated things get with kids in the picture.

How did you all go about finally doing it? I'm terrified of her reaction now, and she has completely isolated herself here. She's from another country, where her friends and family are, and she has only made one fairly casual friend here who I wouldn't imagine is someone to step in to help. I'm worried she might hurt herself, or do something else drastic. She hasn't ever threatened anything like that before, but she was so out of control yesterday, jumping up and down, stomping on the floor, yelling... And she made a comment about taking 10 sleeping pills to just wake up tomorrow and erase the day. I haven't heard back from her DBT center yet, which is frustrating, but it may be the holiday. Or it may be because I'm not their client—she is. They may be cautious about advising me. I have bare bones therapy through Kaiser, but they're not available for emergencies. My old therapist did respond and recommended I look into an inpatient center for my wife, but I can't imagine she'll be open to that when she's already resisting just twice weekly DBT sessions and she'd have to quit her new job. I'm totally lost here...

[ForeverDad]

Holidays do seem to trigger more extreme behavior.  The end of my marriage came on a Sunday when only emergency responders were available but it's not always a holiday crisis.

Right now on a holiday and heading into a weekend, you may have to depend on emergency responders if you need help if you can't manage to handle the next few days.

Be aware that calling in resources can backfire if you're not previously prepared.  In my case I had been recording my ex's aggressive tantrums (quietly, not waving anything in her face) for months.  I had a real fear that if an incident happened, then I'd be the one accused.  After all, I'm a man and she's a woman. Sure enough, when the police arrived, she claimed I was the bad guy.  The officer asked me to hand my preschooler (quietly sobbing in my arms) over to his mother and "step away".  When I finally did get a divorce lawyer months later he was surprised I wasn't carted off since that's policy in my area.  Two good things: (1) Our son clung tighter to me and wouldn't go to his mother so they just left.  My son saved me that day. (2) Once I had the opportunity to download my digital audio recording where where she had threatened me, the tables turned and she faced potential consequences for her aggression.

I prepared myself that if anyone questioned why I was recording then I'd explain I needed to confirm I wasn't the aggressive one.  It was hopefully impossible for her to claim she was actually the victim when she was ranting and raging.

Lastly, if you do need to exit, do so as calmly as possible and do try to take any minor children with you.  Phrase it as going to a park, restaurant or some other activity to defuse the incident.  You may be able to return after she's reset.  If that doesn't work, ponder whether you can call a trusted friend to come over.  Often people will control themselves somewhat if there are witnesses present.

[PeteWitsend]

If you do plan on leaving, even if it's temporary, I would speak to an attorney beforehand, and have plans on how to file for divorce and manage child custody up front. 

Physically leaving often triggers the pwBPD and they may escalate things to such an extent that you have to file for divorce to protect yourself and your kids at that point, so it's better to have this lined up beforehand than be scrambling to find an attorney on top of whatever insanity she's creating in your life.

[GaGrl]

If you choose to separate, have as much prepared in advance as possible. If you have proof of violence, have a protection order filed along with the petition for divorce. Have a lawyer ready to work on fair temporary orders for child custody and visitation, possession of the house (not final), etc.

[Zosima]

Thank you all. I must have been a little unclear... We don't have any children. I'm scared of her getting pregnant where we would have children and it would get more complicated. My main concern is for her safety (ie. potential self-harm, losing control) and the reaction itself. The last spiral was loud and totally out of control. It was excruciating for me and awful for my neighbors, I'm sure. It's complicated because she's isolated here in this country. I am drafting a message to her sister and two of her close friends back in her home country, but it's going to be awkward because she doesn't share any of this difficult stuff with people and I anticipate they're going to be surprised and possibly hesitant to step in. None of them seem to be very stable themselves. I worry I'm going to leave and essentially kick her over an edge and she's just going to free fall with no support or ability to self-regulate. I'm definitely willing to cover finances to get her and her things home to her home country, but I'm not even sure that's what she'll want. And if she stays it will be an even bigger problem because with her current job it will be a real struggle to live on her own. Anyway, probably TMI. The main concern is the immediate reaction and what kind of support I can line up for her to get through the initial shock, and how to protect myself.

[Notwendy]

This is from my own experience- I would wait to contact a lawyer before contacting her family and it may be better to not contact them at all.

My BPD mother's family was concerned for her welfare-but mainly concerned for that. They also seemed to assume a position of denial and loyalty- to her. So anything said to my someone in my mother's circle was shared with her. It is in your wife's family's best interest for her to stay with you. They are likely to push that position.

I recall once sending an email to my BPD mother's family asking for support in a family situation. There was nothing disrespectful about the email. The result is to them, I was the "problem" for not supporting their position and the email was seen as an insult to them.

I understand your concern. My BPD mother's behavior was concerning but also there was the expectation to not expose it. Discussing her behavior with anyone else was seen as a betrayal to her and anyone in her circle. This is why I caution you to get the lawyer's advice before speaking to her family and also putting anything in writing- that could be used in court, twisted, and seen in a different light.