Munchausen Syndrome by Proxy and BPD

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Today my T suggested my W may also have Munchausen Syndrome by Proxy.  This based upon my revelation that W is insistent our kids have autism and anger towards anyone that does not bend over backwards to provide services to our kids.  She had them tested twice.  Once when they were 2-3, and again when they were 5.  The test at 2-3 did not find any indication of autism.  The test at 5 did - but this diagnosis was almost entirely based upon my W's questionnaire and only a short visit with each of the kids.  They didn't ask me - only W about the kids' behaviors.  When I looked over the questions, it was pretty clear W was either seeing something I wasn't or seeing problems much more severe than I did. 

Later, the school district found no indication that autism was affecting the kids' schooling.  To that, W was furious.

That's not to say they don't have some autism traits such as sensitivity to loud sounds.  There could be other explanations for that.  But they don't show any problems with classic autism issues such as socialization. 

W also claims I have autism - to which my last 3 Ts pretty much laughed at and said I was welcome to get tested but felt I would be wasting my money.  Nobody else in my life has ever even suggested this. 

Today T suggested W may have Munchausen Syndrome by Proxy and wants others in her life to have illnesses in order to validate her mental disorder as truly a problem with others.  Is this common with pwBPD?  Given pwBPD's tendency to blame others, I feel it would be common. 

How do I deal with this?  I'm okay with the kids having that diagnosis (for now) because they aren't being treated any differently, and if they do have issues we may get services for cheap or free.  As for me, I was tempted to go pay for an evaluation in order to prove W wrong, but what would that do?  That would likely make the issue worse as she would claim I faked the test or the doctor was incompetent.  Should I use my agreement for an evaluation as a bargaining chip?  "Ok, I will go get a test and find out if I have something that may cause relationship challenges if you will agree to intensive DBT therapy for a diagnosis that you already have that definitely causes relationship challenges."  My guess is that would backfire, too, but it may get her to drop the subject. 

[maxsterling]

Today my T suggested my W may also have Munchausen Syndrome by Proxy.  This based upon my revelation that W is insistent our kids have autism and anger towards anyone that does not bend over backwards to provide services to our kids.  She had them tested twice.  Once when they were 2-3, and again when they were 5.  The test at 2-3 did not find any indication of autism.  The test at 5 did - but this diagnosis was almost entirely based upon my W's questionnaire and only a short visit with each of the kids.  They didn't ask me - only W about the kids' behaviors.  When I looked over the questions, it was pretty clear W was either seeing something I wasn't or seeing problems much more severe than I did. 

Later, the school district found no indication that autism was affecting the kids' schooling.  To that, W was furious.

That's not to say they don't have some autism traits such as sensitivity to loud sounds.  There could be other explanations for that.  But they don't show any problems with classic autism issues such as socialization. 

W also claims I have autism - to which my last 3 Ts pretty much laughed at and said I was welcome to get tested but felt I would be wasting my money.  Nobody else in my life has ever even suggested this. 

Today T suggested W may have Munchausen Syndrome by Proxy and wants others in her life to have illnesses in order to validate her mental disorder as truly a problem with others.  Is this common with pwBPD?  Given pwBPD's tendency to blame others, I feel it would be common. 

How do I deal with this?  I'm okay with the kids having that diagnosis (for now) because they aren't being treated any differently, and if they do have issues we may get services for cheap or free.  As for me, I was tempted to go pay for an evaluation in order to prove W wrong, but what would that do?  That would likely make the issue worse as she would claim I faked the test or the doctor was incompetent.  Should I use my agreement for an evaluation as a bargaining chip?  "Ok, I will go get a test and find out if I have something that may cause relationship challenges if you will agree to intensive DBT therapy for a diagnosis that you already have that definitely causes relationship challenges."  My guess is that would backfire, too, but it may get her to drop the subject. 

[Notwendy]

I'd be careful about adding another "label" to your wife's behavior. It's a part of the disorder to project on and blame others. So, for instance, if your child is acting out because he's anxious or reacting to her behavior- he's the problem, you're the problem. Not her.

MBP is more involved than an assumption the child has a disorder. There's a history of multiple doctor/hospital visits for mysterious "illness" that is actually caused by the parent (usually the mother). It's a form of child abuse as sometimes the mother will give the child medicine or drugs to make them look sick. The baby would get an evaluation and there'd be no reason for it found. There is no specific "test" for MBP. It is usually suspected by the medical providers who see that the child has a history of many visits for mysterious ailments and no reason, and the behavior of the parent.

The typical parent is often a mother who has a medical background and seeks the attention to her and her child for these "ailments". It's not apparent at first but then there's a series of these doctor visits, no real reason is found, and MBP is suspected. Other reasons to suspect it is that if the child is in the hospital, the child is fine, but has an "issue" when the mother visits. Some have put cameras in the room and found the mother doing things to or giving her own medicine to the child.

This is not the same as the projections and blame from a BPD parent. In your situation, your wife isn't only focusing on the child having an issue but also blaming you and others.

We had a similar pattern in my family. BPD mother would blame an issue on one of us, or my father- and the proposed solution would be to "fix" the other person. But you know that didn't work- because the issue was her feelings that she was projecting on to the other person.

Unless your kids are having issues learning in school, paying for an evaluation to "prove your wife wrong" is a waste of your money.

I can't say for sure whether or not your wife has MBP but if she did, it would be your children's medical providers who would consider it by looking at their medical records and seeing the pattern of medical visits.