My 44 year old daughter is rejecting and.hateful to me

[Calliegirl]

Three weeks my world came crashing down, when some dysfunctional family dynamics occurred on my husband’s  birthday celebratory trip.
He complained to our BOD daughter that  he was very hurt that I didn’t wish him a happy birthday first thing in the morning.  He knows not to share this kind of stuff with her because she’ll go after me: She and her sister got on me, and chided me aggressively like I was a kid. Finally after a while I got mad. My BPD accused me of not listening. Then her sister told me that all three of my children are feeling estranged from me. I felt like a knife was stabbed in my heart,  The month before they gave me a wonderful Mother’s party and I felt thrilled and grateful,  Nothing happened in the meantime before the birthday trip. I cried a lot after this happened with my daughters (in private). I felt depressed and very vulnerable. Daughter #2 (not BPD) extended a nice gesture of going into town for the day, but before we left, she told me I would need to go into therapy with her for our issues to be worked out (I didn’t know we had issues). This brought back all the pain, and out of self protection I barely spoke to her, which hurt her deeply. When she expressed her feelings (hurt and  anger) I told her I wasn’t in a good place and shouldn’t have gone. I apologized profusely to her at 2 different times.  At some point BPD daughter  took up an offense against me for these things and told me she was blocking me out of her life. She has done this to me before for no discernible reason. We could be talking about the kitchen table, and she would suddenly  blow a gasket, making cruel remarks and saying she would block me.
After blocking me from communicating she started a new family chat that included all the family, including my husband)  except me and called it “Family”. She said it was because she needed space from me and the others were happy to go along with it. Btw, she loves to gossip about me with other family members and tells lies about me.
She said she wanted to go to therapy with me. When I didn’t respond within a few hours (Held  up on heavy traffic) she blocked me again and said I obviously didn’t want to go to counseling. Trying to help, I contacted her by email to ask what her goals would be in therapy, she refused to answer, and sent me a terse, cold reply.
My husband convinced her to give me a call and it was awkward. I told her I’d go to therapy with her, but I feel apprehensive. She’s very good of convincing others of the rightness of actions and judgments. She sounds believable because she is a professional with 2 master’s degree and a doctorate. My whole family (husband and kids) think I should go to therapy with her and have no boundaries.  I’m sure they will all talk about the therapy and details of it, because BPD will tell them,  I feel like I’m walking on eggshells with daughter and anything I say in therapy will be misconstrued. 
I’m still sad and sometimes angry that there is a double standard going on here with BPD daughter, My family  believes her and protects  her, but it’s ok for them to tell me cruel things. And I better not react in pain - they have no empathy for me and have never apologized, whereas I’ve apologized and taken responsibility for my own actions, 
I believe part of this is my husband mentally and verbally mistreated me during much of our marriage and that is the pattern they learned.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[kells76]

Hello Calliegirl and

I just hear so much pain in your family, and I know that's not what any of you want to be experiencing 

Often, in families where BPD is in the mix (regardless of who has it), the strength or shakiness of the parental relationship plays a big part. My husband's kids' mom has many BPD traits (undiagnosed BPD / uBPD), and even though the kids don't have BPD, her uBPD means that my H and her cannot work together, unfortunately. This has led the kids to occasionally playing Dad and Mom off of each other, because they know Dad and Mom don't talk.

I hear that in the past, there was a lot of conflict between you and your H, and he mentally and verbally mistreated you.

Is that still going on? Were the two of you ever able to do any counseling or therapy together (marriage counseling, relational therapy)? If so, how did it go, and have things gotten better?

Even if you and your H didn't do any therapy together, I'm curious if you've ever gone on your own -- just you, just for you, regardless of anyone else?

I've had a therapist just for me for years, and I've really needed it in our family situation. It has helped me even when nobody else is changing.

Feel free to settle in here, read, post, and share as much as works for you -- we'll be here;

kells76

[BPDstinks]

hi! I am so sorry you are going through this   I have come to learn, noone can hurt you like your own family   (I will not even go into the loooong story; only to say, my, 24 y/o daughter, pwBPD, has barely spoken to me, for 3 years, has not spoken at all to her father, sister and 3 beautiful nieces; I really do not understand why....the weirdest KICK, she is not spending time with my mother, my sister and my niece, all of whom she adamantly despised and refused to associate with when I WAS welcome with....I am just SAD all the time....though....now I am starting to get kinda MAD.  I am very close to my other daughter, my husband & I bonded b/c he is just crushed by the whole series of events; I am of the mindset, friends are family we choose for ourselves; basically, I have become the "blacksheep" of my sister's side of our family and I discovered, I really don't like them (other than being related TO them!); I love my daughter, however, she just makes me a nervous wreck; I guess there is no point to my rambling email, other than to say, family is a hot mess and if you are welcome to reach out, if you like....we families of pwBPD need to stick together!