Moving out of state and leaving BPD adult daughter behind

[Skeptikalgurl]

This my first post. My daughter relies on me for everything and whenever I pull back, she does something dramatic. Most recently severe cutting, after I tried to set boundaries about what conversations I will have with her and when it is appropriate to call me (as in not 2 a.m.)

The issue is that my husband and I are moving out of state and she is staying behind. This was a planned move and she knows we are moving and that she can’t come live with us.

What can I do to help keep her safe and functioning when I am in another state? 

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[CC43]

Hi there,

I went through a similar situation with a BPD stepdaughter.  She graduated from high school and went off to college.  Once she was living on campus, her real mom decided it was time to downsize, and she sold my stepdaughter's childhood home.  Since she was away at college, the presumption was that she'd easily adjust to the change; after all, there was space for her at her dad's and my home, and her mom merely moved a half hour away.  But she felt like she was brutally traumatized and abandoned.

May I ask, how old is your daughter?  By the sound of your post, I'm guessing she's around 26-35, which is typically the time when parents will say she can't come live with you anymore.  But you know perfectly well that (i) she will feel "abandoned" and (ii) she will try to make you miserable for that transgression.  Am I on target here?  I'm guessing that I am, because if your daughter has BPD, she ALWAYS feels abandoned, ALWAYS tries to make you feel guilty and ALWAYS tries to "punish" you for perceived transgressions.  The question really is, how far will she take things?  Will she cut herself?  Will she attempt suicide?  Will she manufacture a self-sabotaging crisis so that you are forced to "rescue" her?  I think the answers to the questions depend on the severity of her BPD behaviors on the one hand, and the past rewards she's gotten for those dysfunctional behaviors on the other.  If she gets her way when she is cutting, then her incentive is to keep cutting.  It's sad but true.  In fact, I suspect that your daughter isn't really "traumatized" by your move, but she will definitely seize upon that as a distraction, a deflection tactic, from her real issues.  Does she continue to blame you for all her problems and all her poor choices?  That's because you're always there for her.  It's so much easier for her to blame you than to look in the mirror and take responsibility for her life!  Using the move to "prove" you are a lousy parent is just another way to deflect the focus away from her dysfunction, and to blame you for all her problems.  It's part of BPD dysfunctional thinking patterns.

I guess my conclusion is, she's going to act out whether you leave the state or not, so if you have to leave the state to pursue a job, downsize, take care of an ageing parent, etc., I think you should do that.  Maybe you take the view, your daughter is an adult now, she needs to learn to fend for herself, and for as long as you're there to rescue her from every little crisis, she'll continue to blame you for all her woes.  In fact she'll RESENT you for making her feel so dependent.  Does that ring any bells?  The only hope your daughter will learn to face her problems is for her to try to live semi-independently.  When she doesn't have you to blame for all her problems anymore, then maybe she'll be ready to accept some therapy, and then she'll have a chance of turning her life around.

Then you ask, how do I support her from afar?  That's a great question, and I'm not sure anyone can really answer that in full.  My general opinion is that you need to take care of yourself first and foremost, because you're no good to your daughter if you are a basket case.  If that means moving out of state to a better situation, then you should definitely do that.  I also believe you should model for your daughter what a healthy adult's life looks like, and that includes cultivating hobbies, having friends and taking vacations.  Your whole life shouldn't revolve around fighting with your adult kid, bailing her out or sending her all your hard-earned cash for her to squander.  Finally, I think you leave the lines of communication open.  She can call you anytime from 8am to 10pm (or whatever window you like), converse and ask for advice, but if she screams at you or starts dredging up ancient grievances, you enforce a boundary and end the conversation as soon as she gets abusive or tells lies.  You could say something like, "This is stressing me out, I need a break, I'll call back tomorrow / I really have to use the bathroom, let's speak tomorrow, bye."  If she's threatening self-harm or suicide, you ask her if she wants you to call 911 for her.  If she doesn't want you to call 911, then you can rest a little easier because things aren't so bad at the moment.  You might remind her, she can always call 911 if she has an emergency.  But you turn your phone off at night, because you need a good night's rest.

I know all of this is really hard.  I'm struggling right now because my BPD stepdaughter is threatening to move in with me (I too recently moved out of state).  But I don't want her here because she'd be even farther away from achieving her goal of getting a full-time job and getting on a track towards supporting herself.  I fear she'd resume her old habits of sleeping all day, living like a slob and hating us full-time.  She is at risk of doing this because my husband has a very difficult time enforcing boundaries, and when she lives with us, she regresses to her old, pre-treatment behaviors.  The risk remains high right now, because although she doesn't want to live with us, moving in is a lot easier for her than to get a job and find a new apartment (her lease is coming to a close), and she doesn't like to face any stress, obligations or anxiety.  If she does move in, I can't imagine my husband will be able to enforce any ground rules whatsoever, no matter how dysfunctional and abusive she becomes.  I feel like I will end up being the one kicked out . . . which would be ironic, as I paid for most of this house out of my earnings, and I put in loads of hours fixing it up, while my stepdaughter does little more than complain, sleep, consume and hate when she's living with me . . .

Anyway, I wish you all the best.