Finally held to an important boundary

[shopgirl516]

Well we finally laid down the boundary with our 23yr old son that to live with us he needs to engage in therapy - specifically the trauma therapy his psych prescribed - and ketamine. He has refused therapy for nearly a year & agreed to ketamine sporadically since the full course a year ago. Pretty much only on the occasions he recognizes & feels how unhinged he has become.

From Wednesday we’ve been in flight or fight mode - I mean we live like this baseline, on eggshells like all of us here, trying not to trigger them & in the process doing exactly what we try to desperately avoid. This week was like too many weeks this year where he spiraled & split fast. 25 lengthy rage texts in 5hrs on Wednesday, followed by a long text letter on Thursday. It became so disruptive I told the office I had to leave for family emergency. Tried avoid each other on Friday to keep him somewhat calm before he agreed to go for the first ketamine session since July. It went fine but by Saturday we had each done things that triggered him so he canceled his his new therapy session & canceled the follow up ketamine. After lots of yelling we finally set the boundary for treatment & therapy to live with us.

He booked himself a hotel room for 3 nights. He has a $17hr job so not sure what his plan is after the 3 nights but I feel like we finally did the right thing but holding a boundary.

Also, I know this is controversial but recording a portion of my conversation - his arguing/yelling - me conversing, actually did help him see some of the distortion he hears (takes in?). I said “… yes I think about this every day” and he started yelling at me saying “STOP SAYING YOU HEAR ABOUT IT EVERYDAY. YOU DON’T HEAR ABOUT”…. At that moment I told him I was recording us and was will to stop & play it back for him bc this is not the first time this has happened in conversation with him. He stopped & the look in his eyes suggested he might know that too but the arguing continued & he left. A few hours later he ask me to send the recording “so I can know if I’m wrong at least” I sent it and he said ok I was wrong. I take no satisfaction in that but I hope he sees this as evidence of his BPD symptoms & motivated him to go back to therapy.

In his emotional tirade earlier he also sent 2 of our friends a 4 page letter that he texted us the day prior that including a long list of everything he has been accusing us of over the years & many other things. Our respective friends know us well before we even met each other let alone well before our sone was born & we have shared with each his diagnoses & struggles. We are of course embarrassed he did this but more so I feel pain & sadness for him that he was so desperate he felt he needed to do this OR was so mad at us he felt doing this would ‘reveal’ something about us. I’m embarrassed for him & what it revealed about him. Our friends are concerned for us, and him of course. We have no idea how many others he sent this too - I guess we’ll find out in time. Earlier this evening he had sent us a text saying “I’m sorry I sent those Facebook messages. Airing our dirty laundry was wrong and unfair im sorry. Im not looking for a response we can talk Wednesday but I’m sorry I did that.” but at that point we thought it only went one person & later this evening another friend contacted me. I’m glad he apologized & had remorse. I hope this like the recording help him understand that this is not us trying to treat him as “crazy person” “the crazy one” as he says, but that this is real time evidence of his emotional dysregulation that he desperately needs help for. Two weeks ago he was told by a manager at work that the was he was talking to another manager was not appropriate.

Thank you for listening - this group & my therapist helped me get the courage to hold a boundary. I’m still scared this could go the other way on us but I know what we have been doing up to this point was only enabling him & contributed to where we are now.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[kells76]

Despite everything you've just gone through, what I hear coming through loud and clear is your compassion for your child who is suffering (and hurting others), and that's such a gift for him and for you.

Even though he may not acknowledge it, you having the strength to hold on to a boundary (rule for your own life) could possibly create some stability and predictability in your family system, that might benefit him. At minimum, it gives you a breather, because you are a limited human being who cannot possibly do everything. If you don't have the bandwidth for persons to live in your home without getting mental health treatment, then you just don't.

This is not an easy situation for any of you, and it takes strength to hold on to your choices so that you aren't undermining S23 by rescuing him. He will do the best he can in this moment, and likely has resources you don't know of, and will have a chance to choose some resources to help himself. And, when he knows better and has better skills, he'll have the chance to do better.

I hope he feels the compassion, love, and care coming from you, underneath everything. That can mean a lot.