Wife likely has BPD. I feel relief, but guilt too

[Notwendy]

Last night over some intense conversation, she threatened not go to her first session... as if somehow that's a threat to me. The reasoning was that she doesn't have anyone to be with if things get difficult. In fact the one friend she spends some time with (not much though), she was tired of her now, so doesn't have her either. So, she doesn't want to face therapy alone... because of course, she can't count on me. 

Part of me is saddened that the mother of my kids won't get the help she needs. Another part of me is relieved that this decision has been made for me.

Yes, it's sad that she isn't motivated to get help for herself. But even if she went - because you wanted her to, it doesn't mean she is motivated.

For therapy to be effective, the person needs to be motivated themselves to go to therapy. In this situation, it seems to be the carrot on the stick for you. If you put your decision to stay or leave contingent on your wife's actions- then she has some control over that. But it's your decision to choose.

With my BPD mother, if she knew we wanted something or wanted her to do something- and she herself wasn't motivated to do it, she could threaten, withold, or decide to do it according to her wishes, not ours. While you may feel relief that the decision was made for you by her not going to therapy, what happens if she decides to go today?

I learned that if there was a decision to make, it had to be up to me to do it. Of course if it involved my BPD mother, I wanted to include her, but I had to be the one to decide.

[Notwendy]

And by carrot on a stick analogy- it felt like that for us too at times- the hope and the disappointment. I also wish that my BPD mother could have been more responsive to help for her BPD.

I just learned that because my BPD mother could change her mind depending on her moods, that it was best to not rely on her as part of a decision.

[zachira]

In healthy relationships, there is more reasonable give and take in making decisions that significantly impact both of you. In disordered relationships, there is at least one person who decides what he/she wants based on what their needs are at the moment without any regard for what their partner might want or need. With time, we can only learn and set the boundaries that are best for us, which often is also best for the disordered person. It is up to your wife to decide she needs help and to commit to owning her part in the problems. It is sad, yet it does put you in the driver's seat knowing you will have to make the decisions that are likely best for both of you without your wife's input.