Wit's end

[Fortitudenow]

Thanks for allowing me to join this forum. Have been dealing with this for about a year, but my loved one even longer. It has really manifested in the last 2 years. I would hope therapy is something they seek. They say yes, but actions say otherwise. They did a week at a inpatient "behavioral health center" after I called the cops. When they came back home they were good for about a week, then weed pen again to "numb" the pain with the inevitable withdrawal spiral. Can't tell anymore what is real and what is BPD manipulation (although it's probably both as reality is perception). Trying to navigate insurance coverage has also been a fresh hell, but we try. Above all I need to keep my sanity and take time for myself and stop feeding into the emotional terrorism and get the support I need to maintain my strength. I went from being sympathetic, guilt ridden, doubtful to just plain tired of it (even angry at myself for putting up with it). Maybe my adult child does have BDP even though it has not been officially diagnosed. Last few weeks of heavy internet browsing and most symptoms fit to a tee.
Look forward to seeking guidance on this site.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[CC43]

Hi there,

You’re not the only one who has lived with an emotional terrorist. I thought I had invented the term, because when living with an adult stepdaughter with untreated BPD, the term seemed to fit. If you check out some of my prior posts, I bet you’ll see many parallels.

At one point, I thought, I don’t negotiate with terrorists. In other words, boundaries are critical. The first one is that you don’t indulge abuse. If they are violent or threaten to be, you call the cops. If they are suicidal, you offer to dial 911 for them, and if they decline the offer, they are essentially saying they aren’t going to do it. If they attempt suicide, you call 911. If they yell at you or send mean texts, extricate yourself from the situation. They need an adult time out to calm down, and don’t interrupt the timeout!  Only engage when they have calmed down. And most of all, take care of yourself first. You can’t help your kid if you are a basket case. In fact, I think you should model for your kid what a healthy adult’s life looks like, and that includes socializing with friends and pursuing hobbies. Your whole life should not revolve around your adult kid’s dysfunction.

All my best to you.

[In4thewin]

Fortitute, I'm right where you are now. CC43's advice is 100% accurate but I know how difficult it is to consistently do in practice. Nonetheless, we need to heed it for our well being and to help our children. I can't force my daughter to go to therapy and/or do the work, but I can respond appropriately when her lack of attending and/or taking it seriously is obvious from her behavior. Same goes for seeing and working with a psychiatrist. At this point, after many many repeated lessons I didn't learn, only to find myself back in abusive situations, I'm drawing some necessary lines--- one's that are difficult and very sad. I never imagined that my relationship with my daughter could be so broken or that her relationship with herself could be so broken. It won't get better if I continue to brush abuses (of one kind or another) under the rug and try to carry on like things are going to okay without her exhibiting a sincere desire for things to change. Not through her words, but through her behavior. I want nothing more than to be my daughter's rock, and I can be, but not if I allow her to suck the life out of me and I have nothing left to provide if/when she gets to the point where she's ready to face her demons. Take care of you.

[Fortitudenow]

Thank you CC43 & In4thewin,
Grateful for the support and understanding. Yes, never thought I would end up in this situation but here I am. Will continue to stress support while trying to enforce the boundaries. We tried family counseling, but after a couple sessions and misses, the therapist said we are not even ready for family therapy. D needs to stabilize first. Last weeks have been terrible. Dropped out of school, so she has been consumed all day/night by an obsession with and old relationship (if it ever was that) from 5 years ago while she was in HS. She is addicted to social media (with these same people) and will spend hours analyzing their posts and pictures and comparing herself to them. The other night when I took the phone away from her, she was desperate to do anything to get it back. She missed her 2nd individual therapy session the other day because of a "misunderstanding" that she blamed me for. Most days she spends either crying in her room or comes out angry or wants us to listen in detail all the stuff she had found out about them on social media. Supposedly the weed has stopped so at least there is that.