Made plans with Dr. Jekyll but Mr. Hyde arrived (aka Valentine's Day is scary).

[bananas2]

Ah, the frightening aspect of making plans with a BPD SO.
We all know how it goes: BPD SO is seeming stable recently - no dysregulation, no fights; we are in that "good place." We start to have hope that he/she is progressing. So we make plans - for a date night, a trip, Valentine's Day, whatever. We know that we're making plans with Dr. Jekyll & hoping that's who shows up. But a few days, or even hours before that planned day arrives, Mr. Hyde rears his ugly head. You are now completely turned off & don't even want to be in the same vicinity as this person, let alone have a date night with him/her.

What do you do now? Cancel the plans bc you need to protect yourself and your own emotions, but you know that cancelling the plans will make your BPD SO to go off the rails? Or go ahead with the date/plans (bc it will appease him/her), but all the while you're not wanting to be there and feeling like a fraud with your fake smile, but dying inside?

What do you do?

Obviously, I've encountered this situation repeatedly. And now I find that I've made Valentine's Day plans with Dr. Jekyll, but now Mr. Hyde is here.

[Dragon72]

I have the opposite worry.
My wife is currently being about as affectionate as a cactus plant. 
I have made no plans for Valentines Day because why should I for someone who treats me kike something she stepped in?
But I can almost guarantee she'll do something uncharacteristicly romantic on the 14th and make ME look like the a-hole.

[Larmoyant]

Hi bananas2, I remember this all too well, many times. E.g. We’d made plans once to go on a major trip and it was on and off again for weeks. On the day we were planning to travel he dysregulated big time and it was touch and go whether I’d meet him at the airport. Despite being very upset I ended up going desperately hoping that he’d snap out of it. He did and only blew up a few times that week (unheard of). In that regard it was a good holiday . If I had the choice again I wouldn’t go. Each dysregulation, each attack, chipped away at me and, you describe it well, it was like “dying inside”. I wish I’d chosen to protect myself and he suffered the consequences of his terrible behaviour. Best for both of us.

As for our last Valentine's Day all was well until we got to the restaurant where he blew up majorly. I asked him to take me home. The next day he sent me photos of my Valentine's gifts, some flowers and a teddy bear. Gifts he said I would have received if I'd "behaved myself" meaning if I'd tolerated his rants and insults like I usually did.

Ultimately it's a choice we make. Just make sure it's the right one for you.

[Lucky Jim]

If I had the choice again I wouldn’t go. Each dysregulation, each attack, chipped away at me and, you describe it well, it was like “dying inside”. I wish I’d chosen to protect myself and he suffered the consequences of his terrible behaviour. Best for both of us.

Like what you're saying, Larmoyant.  I was easily manipulated and usually caved when I should have been protecting myself.  I was living a lie, which was a lousy feeling.

LuckyJim

[Dave40]

Wow... .you've just described every event I've had in the last 12 years! I just joined so I wasn't sure if others had experienced EXACTLY what I have. The worst part is the inability to be romantic or aroused by your abuser and being called insensitive, unromantic, etc. and being repeatedly accused of cheating or being a homosexual.

[Chalk1]

Despite all I've read On this site about how amazingly consistent BPDs person to person  I'm still surprised (but oddly comforted) when someone else encounters a similar situation

Yesterday for VDay I sent my BPD wife an invitation/card a few days before asking her "out on a full day date".  I was trying to rekindle the romance and do something to capture the days of yesteryear. I told her I was taking off work to spend the whole day with her. Go out for breakfast , lunch, and then I got a babysitter reserved to watch the kids at night so we could go out for dinner.  She was really touched by the gesture and it seemed to have a real impact emotionally on her. She was amazingly loving, warm, lucid, and "normal" for the days leading up to last night. So yesterday day was great. We had a great day together and then I told her to go enjoy herself shopping / getting nails done while I handled all of the kids post school activities (sports / homework) etc. so when she came home before dinner she would have no stress. The whole day I knew I was playing wit fire. I knew that it was only a Mayer of time before Mr Hyde appeared.  But here  we were at 7:45pm  and everything is as looking great for our 8:30 dinner reservation. At 8:00 I went upstairs to check on her and she was in the bathroom going full out with makeup and hair and preparing a great outfit, etc.  I thought she was almost done getting dressed. And then the transformation happened. Went back up at 8:15 and she had made no progress getting dressed. Gently reminded her about our 8:30 rezzy.  Repeated this twice more and now it's 9:15. The restaurants kitchen closes at 9:30 So I tell her that if we don't leave now we aren't going to make it bun Just in case I'll call around to see if there are any other restaurants open later.  9:30 comes and goes and she's finally dressed. She looks like a million bucks-- dressed to the nines. I tell  her that we can no longer go to our restaurant but that there's another place we can go (which is still open). Mind you we live in the suburbs and on a Tuesday night there's not many options to choose from at 10pm.  When she finds out that we are now going to this other restaurant she goes ballistic. Screaming and "crying" that she has been looking forward so much to this night and how could I ruin it for her by taking her to a restaurant that " we always go to". She rips off her clothes and jewelry and totally freaks out. She then starts telling me that she put her everything into getting ready for this night , as if it were our "first date" and here I am treating it like it was anything but special. That I ruined the night and she now had no desire to go out and can't believe that she was so excited for all these days leading up to tonight to spend v day with a man like me. 

[Dragon72]

I bought her a dozen roses and some personalised cupcakes and some other little things she likes. So, not much, but not nothing.
She bought me a cake.  So, not much, but not nothing.
When I got back from work at 6.30pm she was already in unsexy pajamas and we had the cake.  While we had the cake it was all about our 3 year old son who got to blow out candles on it.
She then took him off to bed at 7pm. 
I watched TV, alone, until 10.00pm when I went to bed alone in our marital bed.
Ironic that marriage has made me feel so lonely.