Advice.....Divorcing husband w/BPD and TRO in place

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

Good afternoon,

This is going to be a long post so my apologies. My husband and I have been married for almost 10 years. We have been together since high school. We have two little ones, age 4 and 6.

My husband recently lost his job in December 2024. This has come after multiple job losses, but this latest job he did hold for over 2 years. I filed for divorce in February of 2023 and also an OP at that time due to some poor behaviors. I cancelled those in hopes that we could reconcile and with the strict boundary that we would do marriage counseling. He agreed and we were in counseling for a year and half. We actually graduated fall of 2024 and were in a much better place. Not perfect, but better.

When he lost his job in December, I knew things would not be good (as that was a trigger before) but he wanted to stay at home unemployed for awhile. Of course he spiraled again. Our marriage crashed. I was still taking care of the kids 100% of the time and taking them to daycare while he slept most of the day. I encouraged him to finally seek treatment at the end of January, which he did. He started seeing a mental health NP and therapy once a week. With medication changes, things really went downhill. He was diagnosed with suspected BPD around March, which was later confirmed when he started an intensive outpatient program 4 days/week. He started the program May 3, 2025 - which is when we had separated. We agreed he would stay at his parents house while seeking treatment as I did not feel comfortable being alone with him. He was hitting himself frequently and acting out in front of the kids. During an argument, he hit himself and when I asked if I needed to call for help, he told me he would tell them I did it to him. I have never physically hurt him, ever, which made me very uneasy to be with him but I still let him back in a few more times until I said enough. He subsequently had a $uicide attempt in May with an inpatient hospitalization, lots of comments about wanting to die and death, etc. He was released, and we were doing okay but not great. I would meet up with him for visits with the kids in public places only. At the end of June, he stopped at the house unannounced and I was working from home. I was terrified. Things got a little heated but he did leave, but began texting me inappropriate things to which I ultimately cancelled the visit we had planned with our kids that evening. He freaked out, then drove to our house and tried to break in.

I filed for an order of protection after that and was granted. Then, filed for divorce about a week later.
Now I'm having second thoughts... I feel like we tried everything, except he did beg me to go see the pastor for counseling.
He is finally seeking treatment and to my knowledge is still in therapy (4 days/week) and taking medication.

I can't shake this feeling in my heart that maybe I should have done therapy with the pastor. He is seeking help which is more than most can say, and we were in a really good place last year before the triggering event.

I do think separating has done us lots of good, we have been together for so long. I obviously cannot communicate with him so I don't know if he would even want to try again. My heart says yes but my brain says do not be stupid.

Any success stories? Is it time to cut my losses and move on?
I'm scared for my kids. He's trying for 50/50 custody. I asked for majority parenting time and he get supervised visits.

CAN they get better? It will obviously take a lot, a lot of work on his part, my part and all. But now that I know he has BPD it does kind of make sense. But of course, the most important people to me are our two children and I don't want them to see more than what they have already seen. I'm just looking for some advice.....

[Anony4lyfe]

Good afternoon,

This is going to be a long post so my apologies. My husband and I have been married for almost 10 years. We have been together since high school. We have two little ones, age 4 and 6.

My husband recently lost his job in December 2024. This has come after multiple job losses, but this latest job he did hold for over 2 years. I filed for divorce in February of 2023 and also an OP at that time due to some poor behaviors. I cancelled those in hopes that we could reconcile and with the strict boundary that we would do marriage counseling. He agreed and we were in counseling for a year and half. We actually graduated fall of 2024 and were in a much better place. Not perfect, but better.

When he lost his job in December, I knew things would not be good (as that was a trigger before) but he wanted to stay at home unemployed for awhile. Of course he spiraled again. Our marriage crashed. I was still taking care of the kids 100% of the time and taking them to daycare while he slept most of the day. I encouraged him to finally seek treatment at the end of January, which he did. He started seeing a mental health NP and therapy once a week. With medication changes, things really went downhill. He was diagnosed with suspected BPD around March, which was later confirmed when he started an intensive outpatient program 4 days/week. He started the program May 3, 2025 - which is when we had separated. We agreed he would stay at his parents house while seeking treatment as I did not feel comfortable being alone with him. He was hitting himself frequently and acting out in front of the kids. During an argument, he hit himself and when I asked if I needed to call for help, he told me he would tell them I did it to him. I have never physically hurt him, ever, which made me very uneasy to be with him but I still let him back in a few more times until I said enough. He subsequently had a $uicide attempt in May with an inpatient hospitalization, lots of comments about wanting to die and death, etc. He was released, and we were doing okay but not great. I would meet up with him for visits with the kids in public places only. At the end of June, he stopped at the house unannounced and I was working from home. I was terrified. Things got a little heated but he did leave, but began texting me inappropriate things to which I ultimately cancelled the visit we had planned with our kids that evening. He freaked out, then drove to our house and tried to break in.

I filed for an order of protection after that and was granted. Then, filed for divorce about a week later.
Now I'm having second thoughts... I feel like we tried everything, except he did beg me to go see the pastor for counseling.
He is finally seeking treatment and to my knowledge is still in therapy (4 days/week) and taking medication.

I can't shake this feeling in my heart that maybe I should have done therapy with the pastor. He is seeking help which is more than most can say, and we were in a really good place last year before the triggering event.

I do think separating has done us lots of good, we have been together for so long. I obviously cannot communicate with him so I don't know if he would even want to try again. My heart says yes but my brain says do not be stupid.

Any success stories? Is it time to cut my losses and move on?
I'm scared for my kids. He's trying for 50/50 custody. I asked for majority parenting time and he get supervised visits.

CAN they get better? It will obviously take a lot, a lot of work on his part, my part and all. But now that I know he has BPD it does kind of make sense. But of course, the most important people to me are our two children and I don't want them to see more than what they have already seen. I'm just looking for some advice.....

[Anony4lyfe]

I haven't even discussed this with my therapist yet, nor my attorney. I also would NOT cancel anything, but would be willing to pause the divorce for a period of time (60-90 days) to see if there were any improvement. Of course this is complicated when there is an order of protection in place, and not easily done...and I'd also like to see the counselors notes from the program - apparently his attorney has requested them for us already to prove he's not a danger to me or our children.

[ForeverDad]

I filed for an order of protection after that and was granted. Then, filed for divorce about a week later.
Now I'm having second thoughts... I feel like we tried everything, except he did beg me to go see the pastor for counseling.
He is finally seeking treatment and to my knowledge is still in therapy (4 days/week) and taking medication.

He is a work in progress.  At this stage, you can't be confident how much progress he's making.  Be aware that of course the spiritual guidance is to keep on trying.  (That too is a goal when a couple begins couples counseling.)  But you have to also remember that you are being hurt, the children are being impacted as well.  Only you can judge whether or how much you can risk yourself and the children on a clearly iffy outcome.

I can't shake this feeling in my heart that maybe I should have done therapy with the pastor. He is seeking help which is more than most can say, and we were in a really good place last year before the triggering event.

Seeking help is one thing, how much impact it has on a serious behavioral disorder is another.  The resource you're pondering could very well be helpful but it's probably not your complete answer.  Although the Bible touches on many aspects of life, sciences, morality, spiritual aspects and so much more, but it wasn't written to be all-needs mental health guide.

I came from a very religious background, a religious volunteer for 25 years, I even met and married during that time.  To make a long story short, we later had a child which made her childhood (FOO - family of origin) fears even worse.  I recall one time our pediatrician recommended counseling to her, she retorted, "I have the Bible!"  Sadly, that resource wasn't enough.  One elder who happened to work in emergency services shared with me, "She needs a psychiatrist."

I do think separating has done us lots of good, we have been together for so long. I obviously cannot communicate with him so I don't know if he would even want to try again. My heart says yes but my brain says do not be stupid.

Yes, we hear that thought here too... trust your gut.  The emotional tug of war is tremendous.  Listen to your brain - and what you and the kids are experiencing - and give your heart time to catch up eventually.

Many others here tried to make their relationships work, somehow, again and again.  Eventually they realized they were harming everyone involved when the dysfunction was just too much.

Is it time to cut my losses and move on? fI'm scared for my kids. He's trying for 50/50 custody. I asked for majority parenting time and he get supervised visits.

You are seeking what is practical and reasonable, considering his clinically recognized issues.  He, on the other hand, is asking for a "pie in the sky" outcome.  With all of his mental health issues and history, such as a current OP, there's no way he will get 50/50.

No one can predict the future, yet you have extensive history to rely upon to be exceedingly cautious want any hopes and promises.  He may have improved some, but likely not nearly enough, since relapses are still a real concern.  Sufficient recovery for him to make the marriage functional and healthy... that's a stretch.

Back when I joined here long ago, just after I had separated (I called police, ended up with a protection order too) the focus on WHAT IS, not on hopes or dreams.  If you do divorce and in future years he attains significant recovery then you always have the option to ponder remarrying.