>My 21 years old daughter

[YaRab]

I am a mom who is heartbroken by my Borderline disorder 21 daughter, whom I love her so much, and she insists on shutting me out, distancing me, and ignoring me. I am the one person who understands her very well and always cares about her a lot and listens to her, but surprisingly, she shuts me out. Why am I the out who she always attacks, blames for anything? She was very close to me until middle school, and then she gradually changed in her last year of middle school, and then drastically changed in her high school years. I am the one who feels her pain without even talking, who understands that something is wrong without her saying a word, I am the one who knows and understands her, and she knows that.
I need to know if any moms go through this and he they approach their daughters even if they get verbally attacked by them.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[BPDstinks]

Hi! I am SO sorry (I want to cry, for you, with you!) to hear this!  I won't go into it (it's long), my, now 24 y/o daughter, was diagnosed with BPD 3 years ago, we went through aLOT, (quick version)....3 inpatient stays, suicide threats, hiding of knives and pills; I stayed over her apartment, when she asked; 3 years ago, she just "cut" me, her father, sister and nieces "off" no warning, she told me she needed "space" and would reach out when she was ready; we text here and there, I send her bday, holiday cards, etc. (I say this non-chalantly, however, I am sad, every day); I have researched BPD and read all of the books....I thought "we" had a good "handle" (apparently not!): I am seeing a therapist who specialized in helping parents of children/adult children with BPD; it is helping tremendously (unsure if that is anything you might like?) I will say a prayer for you and, please feel free to reach out, if you like!  I know that is the loneliest feeling; my friends, especially, those with daughters, don't understand, people I run into ask how she is, (I just say, great (insert big smile); lately, I have been feeling "strange" because a couple of her friends (thanks, FB!) are either engaged, married, having babies, and I am doubtful she will experience these milestones (who knows?!) in any case....I very much hope things turn around for you

[In4thewin]

My situation is exactly like yours in that my daughter took a turn out of nowhere in late middle school and then declined significantly during HS. I think it's pretty typical that kids in your daughters age range will shut parents out but I know the pain of this, especially when you know they really need you. My daughter, who is a bit younger than yours, is less about shutting me out and more about being abusive and blaming absolutely everything on me. This has been an heartbreaking, scary ride from hell, and at this point I'm practicing letting go, both for my well being and hopefully hers. Very recently I decided to go limited contact out of absolute necessity for my own wellbeing. I 'm not accepting her phone calls but will text so long as the exchanges aren't abusive--- but I do remain open to having face-to-face contact (online) so long as a therapist is involved. I never imagined this would be our existence given the level of disfunction I know I'm doing the right thing. I'm sad all the time because I love her so much but I can't just keep brushing really bad behavior under the rug only to have it happen again and again. She's has all the resources in the world to really help herself for 4 years now, and she just won't utilize them. If I don't make some healthy changes, why would she? Anyway, I feel your pain and wish you peace of mind. This is a terrible illness for our daughters and for us.

[YaRab]

Oh My God! I hear you and experience the same thing. She doesn't prefer to call me, texting once every blue moon. I never imagined my relationship with my daughter to be like that. She was soooo close to me when she was young. Surprisingly, I am the one who understands her the most and is always there for her, but she insists on shutting me out. I don't understand why and what to do. I never give up, but now she makes it clear that she wants to distance herself from me. I miss her and never imagined I would live without her around me in the house. I had to move out because after 26 years of marriage as he is a narcissist. I am still in the process of a divorce. She always wants us to get divorced. She was happy that I moved out and told me that I am proud of you. I made sure to get a house she would love and painted her room the color she chose, and I thought she would stay with me, but suddenly she decided to live with her dad and left me alone, not even calling me and rarely visiting me. So sad, and I need to hear others who can give me advice on how they handle that with their BDP kids (she is not young, 21 years old). Is there a chance that she will change? Does she know that she hurt me? Is BDP curable? She takes meds and sees a therapist, but I do not see her improve in her relationship with me. Do anyone have cases like this and their daughters/sons magically cured or started to be normal with their moms and love and care about them again? What should I do? Should I give her the space or still approach? When I tried to approach, she was still distant from me. Does she do this on purpose to hurt me, but why? I love her and she knows that.

[YaRab]

Thank you  @BPDstinks for your comments and for understanding how I go through...I am also doing research about BPD and reading articles. I am currently reading a book, "I Hate You- Don't Leave Me"  Understanding the Borderline Personality by Jerold Kreisman and Hal Straus.
Please share with me the contact info of your therapist (I am seeing a therapist who specializes in helping parents of children/adult children with BPD. If she is local, I will go to her, and if not, I will see if I can schedule online therapy sessions with her so she can guide me on how to communicate with my daughter, who insists on shutting me off. I am also in the process of getting a divorce, so it is very tough, and I am going through a lot. She abandoned me at the time I needed her the most....I thought we both should be there for each other, but she decided to live with her dad even though she knows I love her so much. I don't know why. She doesn't even visit me except once every blue moon for an hour or 2.

[BPDstinks]

Good Morning!  I also read "Walking On Egg Shells" (ironically, my pwBPD bought me a copy!) and attended NAMI (so helpful); I am still very sad & miss my daughter, EVERY minute of EVERY day, however, I find joy; I know she does virtual appointments; I have not physically SEEN my daughter in 3 years; the last time I saw her was at her dance recital, where she put her hand up in a stop sign & said, please stay away; I stood there with flowers and literally did not know what to do; she texts me (usually if she wants something) she just moved (I only know that because I co-signed her last apartment) and I do not know where she LIVES!  It is mind boggling!  I am a planner and a fixer & it is maddening that I cannot fix this!  IF there is anything I might be able to at least answer, I would try!  I have researched BPD for 3 years!  I do not pretend to understand this "beast", however, I will never give up trying!  It is referred to as mourning someone alive!  I wish you good luck!

[BPDstinks]

....I am sorry, I was so caught up in the therapy...I am so sorry about to hear about your divorce, yes....the rationale mind WOULD think that!  I CAN share it is SO important to take care of YOU (think of the airplane rationale/with an air mask!) please hang in there

[YaRab]

@BDPStinks- Thank you for sharing the book. I'll buy it now and try to see if I can schedule either an in-person or virtual appointment with the therapist. I will check NAMI and see how to join it. I feel your pain when you said you haven't contacted her for 3 years and how she shut you out when you went to her dance recital. I honestly teared up...I am so sorry and truly understand how you feel and how it is very painful. I am trying to search up and see if BDP is curable or not? If there is a hope that our daughters can change and get closer to their moms as they used to be when they were young. Is it possible? How can I approach her and improve my relationship with her if she insists on pushing me away? From my deep inside, I feel that she loves me, but I can not comprehend the reasons for her to insist on distancing herself from me. It is even too sad to say that I feel that she is happy that I moved out of the house where I raised my children for over 20 years.

[BPDstinks]

Good Morning!  I wanted to clarify, I DO reach out to pwBPD; in the very beginning, I reached out, at least once a week, than was advised "your constant (it WAS at least once a week) interaction is not aiding my healing; I will reach out when I am ready" (I remember just staring at the message, thinking, what now?) so....I admit I was creative, I would text her for IMPORTANT things (i.e. she is on my insurance & cell phone plan) and sneak in, "I hope you are doing well, etc." I was advised by therapist that sending bday cards, etc. is good, however, on the card, be "caring but "brief"; I have been giving one "fun" gift card (i.e. the Mall) and I write "for things you might NEED" and a grocery store gift card & write for things you NEED; sometimes I get a thank you text; I always text Merry Xmas, etc. and get "thank you"; the first year....I cried EVERY holiday (I am tearing up typing!), the first Mother's Day and my birthday, I cried ALLLLL day; her birthday, I did not want to get out of bed; the past 6 months have been manageable; like you, I cannot wrap my brain around this, my daughter & I were SOO close....to the statement about a cure....I read that this can "resolve" (for lack of a better word) when pwBPD gets older?  I truly hope OUR situations improve before than!  Like you....I miss my daughter, however, not the very tense feeling when I was with her; the mood changed in minutes and I never knew what to say...

[BPDstinks]

....I admit I speed read!  MY "technical" (only from reading others' stories and research" the "shutting" out is (again, my opinion) perhaps a defense mechanism?  It is my understanding there is a FAVORITE person (sounds great, however, not that great of a place to be....my daughter would call/text all day, have me sleep over, gave me her apartment keys (said, "if you don't hear from me for more than 2 days, check on me), had me hide her knives, keep her excess pills (telling me how many she would need to take....you get the drift"; I have a hunch what pushed me to the NON-FAV (again, research, everything is "black or white" (I love you or I hate you...no middle) she called, right before the "ghosting" asking for $5000 (saying her college loan was due; I was working TONS of overtime and paid all of her tuition, to date, as she did not qualify for a loan (this was during Covid, she ended up dropping out), well....I did not have $5000 sitting there & said to give me a couple of days; that was the last time I heard from her, other than the dance recital, texts, and "here we are"; I don't know if my daughter is even capable of LOVE....I feel that common sense emotions, i.e. saying Happy Birthday, are just "lost" in this BPD world

[YaRab]

@In4thewin Oh My God! I hear you and experience the same thing. She doesn't prefer to call me, texting once every blue moon. I never imagined my relationship with my daughter to be like that. She was soooo close to me when she was young. Surprisingly, I am the one who understands her the most and is always there for her, but she insists on shutting me out. I don't understand why and what to do. I never give up, but now she makes it clear that she wants to distance herself from me. I miss her and never imagined I would live without her around me in the house. I had to move out because after 26 years of marriage as he is a narcissist. I am still in the process of a divorce. She always wants us to get divorced. She was happy that I moved out and told me that I am proud of you. I made sure to get a house she would love and painted her room the color she chose, and I thought she would stay with me, but suddenly she decided to live with her dad and left me alone, not even calling me and rarely visiting me. So sad, and I need to hear others who can give me advice on how they handle that with their BDP kids (she is not young, 21 years old). Is there a chance that she will change? Does she know that she hurt me? Is BDP curable? She takes meds and sees a therapist, but I do not see her improve in her relationship with me. Do anyone have cases like this and their daughters/sons magically cured or started to be normal with their moms and love and care about them again? What should I do? Should I give her the space or still approach? When I tried to approach, she was still distant from me. Does she do this on purpose to hurt me, but why? I love her and she knows that.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[YaRab]

@BPDstinks
Thank you for sharing your experience with your daughter. It is so sad, and we have nothing to do except keep our doors open for our daughters. They need to know that we are always there for them if they shut us out from their lives. It is hurtful, and no one understands how we feel and why they do that. No one understands BDP's LOVE and HATE mood swings. To be honest with you, I can NOT comprehend it either....how come a person pushes away a person who loves her unconditionally, cares about her, supports her,  always there for her....she was sooo close to me. I hope she will realize one day how much I LOVE her so much, and I am so worried about her. I feel that she is not okay, even if she is not around me, there is a strong bond between me and her, even if she is away from you. Why does she reject me? WHY? I hope one day she realizes this, but while I am alive, not after my death. I want to see her love and care for her mom before I pass away....r